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to think they could have booked a 4 bed and taken the DSes too?

(123 Posts)
herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:09:43

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lesley33 Fri 23-Sep-11 11:13:05

I understand you being unhappy about this, but in your mum's position I wouldn't have wanted to take your kids as well as it just seems too many to cope with. They are taking away three DC and a baby, that seems more than enough work.

herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:17:03

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worraliberty Fri 23-Sep-11 11:17:11

I can see where you're coming from but if you can afford to pay for their flights and a bit towards the villa, surely you could have taken your kids on holiday within the last two years? Even if it's just to a caravan camp?

How old are your sister's kids and how old are yours?

herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:20:48

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mollschambers Fri 23-Sep-11 11:23:01

I sympathise but, frankly, I'd not be volunteering to take four teenagers, a child and a baby away.

I'm not really into this whole thing of holidaying without your kids but I think for a honeymoon it's fair enough.

sis Fri 23-Sep-11 11:26:02

YANBU - I'd be hurt if this happened to my family.

missymarmite Fri 23-Sep-11 11:27:47

YABU. It's a honeymoon. I don't think I'd want my DS on my honeymoon if I were to get married, TBH. A honeymoon isn't just a holiday, it's a chance to celebrate your union with the person you love. If your mother didn't want to take them she should have said. It's not your sister's fault if she agreed to it.

silverfrog Fri 23-Sep-11 11:29:49

oh, herbietea, I sympathise.

do your ds' and the your sisters dc get along well? (not meaning anythign by it, but if eg the teens tend to squabble and door slam when together that might be why your mum didn't want to?)

but it does seem more like yet another situation where children dealing with disability get overlooked - you cannot help your family situation, but a little bit of empathy from your family, and some extra treats for your boys would not ahve gone amiss.

I hope your op goes well.

slavetofilofax Fri 23-Sep-11 11:32:49

I can understand why you feel upset. It may feel like your sister is being well supported by your parents in something lovely like gettingmarried, but you are not being supported at all when you have to do something horrible like an operation.

But, if I were your Mum, I wouldn't want to look after that many children on holiday either. And you are effectively expecting her to pay for your dc too if you say you can't afford it. I think that's too much to ask. If your boys won't take much looking after, then the same is true for you when you have your op. They will probably even be able to help you.

herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:33:42

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Icelollycraving Fri 23-Sep-11 11:35:08

Maybe your mum felt a bit overwhelmed as to how she would entertain them at home. She sounds like she will have her hands full. There isn't just the cost of the holiday but feeding & treats for 2 more gc may be too much. You could ask her if there is any way she could change it to a larger place.
Yabu to consider not going to the wedding.
Good luck with the op.

MogandMe Fri 23-Sep-11 11:35:36


Your parents will have enough to think about with having 2 teens, a 7 year old and a baby on their own in a foreign place.

Yes g/c should be treated the same but sometimes they're not.

2 big points jump out at me;
1) they don't see your DS very often - so they might not feel comfortable taking on even more responsibility for teens they don't really know
2) you don't live close - so especially with you being in hospital how were the kids going to get to the grandparents and back.

Other points are
*surely your children are at school when this is happening - like the other gc should be, maybe dm thinks you don't agree with taking children out during term time
* they will already be trying to fit themselves and luggage into a 7 seater - 2 more plus more baggage is going to mean more expense for a bigger car, as would the extra room, the extra flights, the extra food.

I can understand why you're upset but did you ask your parents for help for when you went into hospital?

herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:37:03

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herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:41:28

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silverfrog Fri 23-Sep-11 11:43:55

herbie, sadly I think you are up against an age old problem: because you have a disability, and cope, and your boys cope, then everyone thinks you are ok and happy the way you are.

our situation is not the same at all (my dd1 is ASD), but I have lost count of the number of times that family have said "oh, but we didn't think" - didn't thik to invite us, didn't think to ask if we needed help, didn't think to check if we are alright etc.

disability does a strange thing - to those who have to cope, and those who are on the outside. to those coping, it often makes us less willing to ask for help, becuase we don't want to be seen to be asking too much.

to those on the outside, it often means they don't offer help/don't invite along as often as they otherwise would, becuase they don't want ot be seen to be interfering, undermining, and becuase "you always seem to cope so well; you know what you ware doing and we woudl just be in the way/get it wrong" etc.

I am sorry that you and your boys are facing this. is it too late for you to suggest to your mum that they go along, and see if you can all find a bigger place to rent?

silverfrog Fri 23-Sep-11 11:44:22

x-posts, herbie.

Blu Fri 23-Sep-11 11:45:13

Herbietea, I think you are in a v v difficult situation, and it is very tough that your Dsis is honeymooning and has 'bagsed' your Mum for a week in which you needed support. And that your Mum hadn't offered support - I assume the wedding was planned before your operation date came through?

Your Dsis has had no hesitation in 'pressurising' your Mum - have you asked, directly, for your Mum's support?

tbh I can see why your Mum might feel she has her hands more than full with the ones she IS taking, but also it would be nice if some of the family support could come your way.

I think you need to talk to her about it - understanding how it came about from her pov, but letting her know that to you AND your DCs she is a valuable and needed gp and your DCs will feel sad not to be incuded.

mollschambers Fri 23-Sep-11 11:45:28

It's not really about the holiday then, is it? It's much bigger than that. This may be the issue that brings it to a head. You need to decide whether to have it out with them or put up with it. Just remember it's between you and your parents. Try not to drag any other family members into it.

KatieMiddleton Fri 23-Sep-11 11:46:42

YANBU to be upset. Yabu to expect anyone to take their dc on honeymoon!

I don't understand why your mum has to look after the 19yo. Can't she look after herself and her baby?

snailoon Fri 23-Sep-11 11:47:01

It may be stating the obvious, but can you talk, (I mean really sincerely but without angry accusations), to both your parents about your feelings? It seems that your mum is more in control of the situation than your dad. There seem to be many different issues here; maybe everything needs to be aired out really well.

herbietea Fri 23-Sep-11 11:47:49

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Blu Fri 23-Sep-11 11:49:04

FWIW, if I had a sister in your shoes, no WAY would I expect my mother to take my children so that I could have a honeymoon as a priority over my sister needing support thorugh surgery. I would say 'no Mum, if you have time, DSIS really needs the help that week'.

It sounds like a long-standing problem, and I am not surprised you feel abandoned.

Take pride on your own self-sufficiency, pass that on to your boys - byt maybe tell your Mum how it is sad to see the boys left out where their cousins are included.

nickschick Fri 23-Sep-11 11:49:13

Herbie Id be hurt too,especially as Ive only just realised your disabled and having an op too - I think if I were you Id have to bite the bullet and say to your Mum - is there any reason that my dc havent been invited? you know im having my op that week so it would have helped me a lot- and wait for her answer it could be shes absolutely thoughtless ,it could be she didnt want to take your dc it may be that she just never thought about it - you have nothing to lose its not as though she can take offence and stop helping you or looking after your dc is it.

Good luck with that and with your op.

mummytime Fri 23-Sep-11 11:49:46

Sorry but at 14 and 16 YABU to think of taking kids out of school in term time.

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