To think my mum could show a bit of interest in ME for a change?(13 Posts)
Probably going to come across as really petty and childish but:
I'm 30. My sister is 18. Both of us left school with shit GCSE results (I got 2, she got none) and so neither of us were destined to be academic superstars. When my sister left school she was shoved onto a level 2 art and design course because basically with her poor attendance and grades at school they didn't think she'd manage much else. At the same time, I finally got my thoughts together and started an Access to University course (level 3, very demanding course). Well for the entire year I heard nothing but my sister's art course, what she's been doing this week, what she's doing next week etc etc and my course was very rarely mentioned (and if it was, it was mentioned in a bored 'suppose I better ask' voice). My sister scraped through her course with an attendance rate of 69%. I passed at merit/distinction level with 100% attendance. My success was barely mentioned and instead all attention was focussed on my sister and how great it was that she'd been accepted onto a level 3 course. My mum has known for a while now that I've secured a place at university however again it rarely gets mentioned as every conversation is dominated by what my sister is upto. My mum has occasionally asked "when you back at college?" to me but that's as far as it goes. In fact half the time she seems more concerned that I might ask for help with childcare than anything else.
So my sister started on her level 3 course last monday. Again it's all my mum keeps banging on about (and already she's managed to have a day off with "stomach ache" . I have called numerous times to ask how she's getting on etc and have really shown an interest.
I started my 3 year degree course on Wednesday. So the night before a few texts off friends wishing me good luck - nothing off my mum. The day I actually started again I heard nothing at all from my mum all day. Today I finally gave up and called her. This was the convo:
mum - "hi, when do you start college?"
me - "Its Uni. And I started yesterday."
mum - "Frank, turn those fishfingers down while I'm on the phone .... erm ... when do you start?"
me - "sigh I started yesterday"
mum - "they're already in the oven! put some chips with them if you want! so erm - when did you start? today?"
me - YESTERDAY
mum - "oh alright! no need to snap! are you tired or something??"
me - "well I said it 3 times!"
mum - "Don't let them burn Frank - oh - umm - you enjoy it then?"
me - "yes, upto now we've been .... "
mum - "Frank, ask Lou if she wants chips with her fish fingers - sorry go on, I'm listening ... "
So I won't bore you with the rest of the conversation because you get the gist Be on honest, aibu? I get so sick of this.
But I am now hungry for a ff sandwich, and that's your fault.
YANBU. "Mum, ring me back when you've got time to listen, will you?"
I get this in reverse with DF - DM rings me and he is constantly chipping in over the conversation. Every so often I issue a warning that he needs to shut up.
YANBU. My parents can be like that, and if anything strikes them as odd (in their small frame of reference) they will question it like I'm mistaken.
Mum: So when do you start?
Me: Yes. That's the day it suited them to have me start.
Mum: Friday? Just seems an odd day to start.
[pause during which I am presumably expected to justify the decision of an employer over whom I have no control]
Oh, I really feel for you, but th ere really isn't anything you can do, not that I can think of anyway, I hope someone can give you a peice of good advicem, but I can only think that you will never be able to change her ways, unfortunately, esp as you have said she asks about your stuff in a "Suppose I'd better ask" way.
Unless you are the main topic of conversation to your sister, maybe your sis thinks your mum goes on about you all the time? Or am I grasping at straws?!
The In fact half the time she seems more concerned that I might ask for help with childcare than anything else. really rings true for me too.
You won't really be able to say anything without sounding bratty or jealous.
What you can't change you have to accept I'm afraid.
did your mum go to university herself? if not it is possibly totally alien to her.she perhaps has no concept of what an achievement it has actually been for you.
Glad I'm not coming across as being childish!
It's just so irritating, like a few days ago I called her to tell her my son (her grandson!) had sparked interest from business enterprise (impressive for a 13 year old!) and she was more interested in her bloody boiler (the light had gone out apparently ) than in anything I was saying.
Euphemia - I get the same thing -
"What did you say you were doing at college?"
"UNIVERSITY - and it's a degree in science"
"wouldn't have thought you would need a degree to do the job you want?"
"yes, you do"
"Seems a bit odd " (long silence) "anyway, did I tell you Lou drew a picture of a horse at college today?"
YY it sounds like your being at Uni is outside of her 'area of expertise' so she avoids talking about it.
I agree that she will not take it well if you pull her up on it
would have thoughh part of it is due to u and ur sister ages - presumably she views u as adult whose got good life etc whereas ur sis is jsut startingout so maybe needs more encouragement
YANBU and congratulations on starting Uni as a mature student.
I wonder if it's an older sibling thing? Me and DSis had a vastly different upbringing (and amount of attention) to our DB who is 10 years younger than me. He is still (at 30) the baby of the family and has been coddled for his whole life.
Perhaps you should give up on "taking an interest" in your sister quite so pointedly: it probably suits your mother to think you are interested in her, rather than wanting to talk about yourself and your own achievements occasionally!
I was on the receiving end of something similar when I went to university at the age of 34. For those three years, whenever we visited my parents, the conversation was how was my husband doing at work, how were our children doing at school, and then the conversation would change to something else. It was only towards the end of my final year that my father asked me how I was doing at college.
I was the first person in the family to go to university, so it was possibly out of their comfort zone/experience, but my father did let slip a little later that my mother regarded me as an intellectual snob, and she was of the "mother knows best" variety so probably couldn't accept that she was no longer the fount of all wisdom.
Sometimes there's nothing you can do but accept that the only likely interest your mother will have in your studies is when you graduate and she'll be able to bask in the reflected glory.
YANBU at all, I come from a family where 90% of life is taken up by what one sister is doing and it's draining to say the least.
My mother will never take an interest in my life because I'm not in her face enough about everything as I'm now far to busy having a life I love to be worried about her input.
It's not easy having your life ignored by your mother but the more you try not to let it bother you the more you will enjoy the life you are building for yourself.
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