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to ask whether it was you or your DP/DH who wanted DCs "the most"...

(39 Posts)
NurseFleischerBaum Thu 22-Sep-11 16:52:14

and whether you think this has any bearing on who is the most hands-on parent out of the two of you.

Riveninabingle Thu 22-Sep-11 16:53:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra Thu 22-Sep-11 16:54:09


Not a parent but an interesting question.

Not really an AIBU, but never mind.

OpenMouthInsertFoot Thu 22-Sep-11 16:55:05

Me. My husband wanted to wait until we'd bought a house and had savings. I disagreed grin

He is 100% involved in everything to do with the children (and housework) and always has been.

Jins Thu 22-Sep-11 16:55:58


I was more hands on in the early days but now we're both very much in the "hands off" camp as the DC are well into the teenage years

TadlowDogIncident Thu 22-Sep-11 16:57:33

DH. He's now an SAHD, though I pull my weight when I'm at home (I think).

aldiwhore Thu 22-Sep-11 16:57:35

DH and I were both of the same attitude - lets see what happens. We stopped using contraceptives. Then we forgot about it really, 3 years later when I got a bit poorly and was prescribed some tablets for IBS, we were both shocked to find I was in fact pregnant. (My mother had a field day and dug out an old biology book).

We're both very hands on.

Our second child was equally as unexpected, given that HAD we been actively TTC our first would have taken 3 years we assumed it would take just as long with our second.

We were both laid back, chilled out people who worked to live life and have fun. We're now both less laid back, happy parents who work to live life and have fun with our children. Who wanted a child more was never an issue.

Though I suspect DH had given the idea more serious thought than me as he's older. We both knew we wanted a family 'one day'.

OddBoots Thu 22-Sep-11 16:58:25

With our first we both did but I wanted to go for it earlier than he did, we made the decision together though.

I didn't mind as much if we had a second or not but dh wanted an even number of children so we had a second.

I was a SAHM in the pre-school years and work term-time now so I do more hands on with the children but dh certainly pulls his weight when he is home.

DizzyKipper Thu 22-Sep-11 17:04:58

OH has wanted kids his entire life, well since he was 8 anyway and effectively became the man of the house and had to help with his newborn twin sisters and 5 year old brother. I'd never wanted kids - the thought of being responsible and a 'mum' scared me. It wasn't until I met OH that I had this sudden, instinctive desire to procreate. I guess we now want them equally. Still no children (we're working on it!) but when we do I've no doubt I will be the more hands-on parent. My job is less demanding and can be made to fit around school hours, OH's isn't and there's scope for him becoming more successful and moving up in the company. That's not to say he won't be a hands on parent, I know he well.

NurseFleischerBaum Thu 22-Sep-11 17:13:51

I'm just wondering how many people there are out there who don't do much childcare who use the excuse that it was their DP who wanted the DCs in the first place.

attheendoftheday Thu 22-Sep-11 17:15:32

Both dp and I wanted kids, but it was probably me who couldn't wait any more and prompted us to have kids when we did. I am the most hands on, ut think that's more to do with me being on maternity leave and dp working. We're planning to split the childcare equally when I go back to work.

whackamole Thu 22-Sep-11 17:33:09

Both of us equally, in both pregnancies.

First one, I just said one day that I wanted a baby, and we started TTC grin.

This time, we had a scare, and about a week after I got my period he said he was secretly disappointed, I had to admit I was too, to we started TTC again.

I'd say we are both as hands on as each other, although I have more time alone with the boys,

OpenMouthInsertFoot Thu 22-Sep-11 17:52:48

anyone who comes out with that is a bit of a twat, frankly.

If someone doesn't want children - they know what to do (or what not to do grin ). Once you have children - they are as much your responsibility as their other parent's, and coming out with crap like oh, you wanted them, you do it - well, apart from anything else, nice for the kids to know one of their parents wasn't much bothered about having them! I really hope nobody does go off like that, tbh.

StrandedBear Thu 22-Sep-11 17:53:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerdOfTinyElephants Thu 22-Sep-11 18:00:40

Both pretty much equally. He would probably have waited another year or so before TTC #1, left entirely to his own devices, but then he wanted to start TTC #2 a year or so earlier than we did.

Don't think it has much impact, tbh.

grumblinalong Thu 22-Sep-11 18:01:17

Both wanted DS1 & DS2 equally. DC3 (surprise) I was very unsure about (even looked into termination sad as was very very ill) but DH talked me out of it and I'm holding beautiful 12 week DD in my arms. Forever grateful to him for helping me stick with it.

Got a teeny tiny bit resentful this morning when he straightened his hair, got ready for work & sauntered out. I was running round like a headless chicken trying to get school run in hmm and bf a screaming baby with sick in my hair.

NurseFleischerBaum Thu 22-Sep-11 18:01:22

Openmouthinsertfoot unfortunately I have heard a couple of new fathers saying that lately - not outright, but strongly implied. It's like, because they weren't the ones pushing for DCs (although they did want them "eventually"), they hadn't given it much detailed thought and are really shocked by quite how much work it all is.

OpenMouthInsertFoot Thu 22-Sep-11 18:09:14

it's much more work for the woman if they're pushing it all on her. lazy arses.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Thu 22-Sep-11 18:13:44

We didn't talk about it all that much. I brought it up and he sort of agreed. Was a bit resentful at how little practice we had to put in to get the DCs .....

He's a brilliant father, really loving. I'm OK too

startwig1982 Thu 22-Sep-11 18:17:21

It was me pushing to have children, but once we moved to a bigger house, DH wanted kids as well. I'm more hands on but only because I'm on ML and he's working very hard.

BertieBotts Thu 22-Sep-11 18:18:04

XP did, but never got involved at all. Still isn't. Looking back, getting me pregnant was more of a control decision than anything based on DS' welfare. angry

He liked to use the "excuse" "It was you who wanted a child!" as well. I liked to remind him that in fact I wanted to wait a while longer and he talked me into it. Which he would then deny. Twat.

I do love DS but it would have been better for him if he had come along later, probably with now-DP.

NotJustKangaskhan Thu 22-Sep-11 18:19:14

My husband is the more hands-on parent.

I'm not sure which of us pushed to have kids more, I don't think I would have gone ahead if he wasn't as eagerly on board if not more so. I would have been the one to push to have them sooner over later in discussions due to family medical history.

strandednomore Thu 22-Sep-11 18:20:07

Me. Dh didn't want children at all, but he's been a good father now they are here (although I naturally do most of the childcare as he works full-time and I am at home/part-time student). I think he realised that by saying yes he had to take responsibility for his actions. Shame not all men are like this, I get very sad when I hear how so many women have husbands who don't get involved in childcare.

MrsSnaplegs Thu 22-Sep-11 18:23:44

I wanted dc but had been told I probably couldn't when I was with my ex - we tried for a long time.
DH and I got together and bingo next thing you know I'm pregnant - dc were never in his "life plan" let alone 2 dc however he is now the SAHP and does 80% of the Childcare grin

RedHotPokers Thu 22-Sep-11 18:30:11

I think it was very slightly me who was more keen on having first DC sooner rather than later, although DH was certainly happy about the whole idea.

DC2 was definitely DHs idea (I seem to remember him uttering the phrase 'in for a penny, in for a pound'!) - I was still in shock from DC1.

I am the more hands on parent (I work pt), and am generally the more child-tolerant, but DH is a very good father.

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