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AIBU to want this work/life balance?

(59 Posts)
confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 12:03:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Sep-11 12:07:40

It's a shame to miss out on an opportunity just because you're saddled with a partner that won't pull his weight at home. I'd make him finance the cleaner and then take the better job.

olderyetwider Thu 22-Sep-11 12:11:42

Which job would you prefer to have, if you didn't have to do everything at home?

If the less responsible one, because you'd enjoy it more then you need to deal with DH's pressure and get him to understand that decisions about your working life are for you to make.

If you'd prefer the more demanding role then DH has to understand his role in making that possible.

Either way, if you're working then he needs to pull his weight

confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 12:12:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 12:31:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Sep-11 12:31:42

Believe it or not, many stressed preoccupied people manage to get through life without a carer catering to their every need. If you're happy that his needs take priority over yours, that's your call. I know it would make me feel resentful.

confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 12:42:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten Thu 22-Sep-11 12:43:47

Well, it's rather ridiculous to say that your DH is so disappointed in your lack of work achievement whilst he makes absolutely no effort to support you by pulling his weight at home!

My DH runs a business and would happily be absorbed in it all the time if he was left to it. He is not. Even with me as a SAHM, he must do his small share of the domestic work and childcare and if he slacks off, I find a swift boot to the rear serves as a reminder! (Not literally, of course...) I may not work but I'm using this time to study and DH supports me in that by taking the kids out on weekends and we got a cleaner for 3hrs a fortnight to keep the house ticking over if I got behind.

I would demand the time to do what you want to do - get that cleaner or make your DH do his share.

olderyetwider Thu 22-Sep-11 12:44:47

Take the job you want, and enjoy it. It's not anyone else's call, ambition is not compulsory.

Squitten Thu 22-Sep-11 12:45:13

X-posted. So, what exactly do YOU want to do...?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 22-Sep-11 12:47:30

Do you want the job or not?? If you do want it then accept....if you feel you cant cope with it then dont. Quality of life is far more important than pounds in your purse ...if you want it then go for it. You could hire a cleaner, maybe you would only need a few hours a week which wouldnt cost that much. Dont turn it down because your DH is stressed, like someone else said, that will only breed resentment. You can only deal with YOUR stress, your DH needs to be able to deal with his own without inflicting it on you.

CurrySpice Thu 22-Sep-11 12:49:39

First of all I would be really upset if I felt DP was "disappointed" in me sad

I think you are getting yourself in a tizz about this. It deosn't sound like the more senior job is CEO of BP wink and I'm sure it's within your capabilities without having a hissy fit every day

Don't let your DH's expectations of you hold you back or doubt yourself. Have a bit more confidence in yourself and go for the more senior job. My guess is that you'll eat it for breakfast! smile

confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 12:55:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Thu 22-Sep-11 12:57:48

It sounds to me like you need a new DH, one who is supportive and pulls his weight, not one who is critical and expects you to be a skivvy while he does exactly what he wants.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him how his disappointment and selfishness makes you feel. Then take the job you want to do, while letting him know it's time he started showing you some respect and supporting you both emotionally and practically.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 22-Sep-11 13:16:33

Confussed - seems like you are making the best decision. Good luck with the new job!

Laquitar Thu 22-Sep-11 13:33:10

Can i just say that you wont pay the cleaner almost what you earn - unless you get a full time cleaner! So the way to see it is that you pay her 3-4 hrs pw but this helps you to work 40hrs and make x money.

However, no you don't have to do it if its not what you want.

The sad thing is how many times you repeat in all your posts that your dh will be 'dissapointed'. He is not your father and you are not a little girl. Does he make you to think this way i.e. his comments or you do it to yourself? confused

TadlowDogIncident Thu 22-Sep-11 13:37:38

I'd be angry at my DH if he was simultaneously telling me that he was disappointed in me for not using my professional skills, and expecting me to do everything domestically. Have you read "Wifework" by Susan Maushart? If not, do look at it - it's really good at identifying the stuff a lot of wives do that doesn't even get recognised as "work", and it sounds as though supporting your DH in dealing with his stress falls squarely into that category.

I would get a cleaner, though, regardless of which job you take. Having the basic necessities dealt with each week does make domestic life a lot easier, even though there's still stuff to do in between.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes Thu 22-Sep-11 13:44:05

if you didn't want the job why did you apply? sounds a bit as if you are lacking in confidence in your own abilities. Take the one you want and organise life around it, sometimes things at home won't get done, so what! if DH is supportive he will help or just leave it plenty of people work and still manage home stuff, its a case of learning to leave the work at the door when you get home and not getting stressed by it.... its a job not your life, life is what you have outside the job.

confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 13:48:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bathsheba Thu 22-Sep-11 14:37:42

Confussed - I once had a horrific time in a job - full time, very stressful job where I was bullied relentlssly by my line manager. I found it hard to explain to anyone but I really wanted a job working on the check outs in sainsburys. Yes, I have an undergrad degree and 2 post grad ones, yes I have experience in a specific industry but I just wanted to ork in sainsburys...

I think thats the point you are at - a job that keeps you ticking over mentally, but no stress to allow you to recover from some very stressful 2 years see where it goes when the children are 2 years older etc...but at the moment I think you know which job you want...not which job your Dh wants for you

aldiwhore Thu 22-Sep-11 14:41:45

Never take a job to please someone else, take the job that best suits you.

And don't tell your DH about the other job.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 22-Sep-11 14:43:01

"he also says he doesn't understand why someone as bright and capable as me is prepared to only work for £8 an hour jobs."

Well next time he says that, ask him why he insists someone as bright and capable as you works for £0 an hour jobs. Because that is the effect of him not pulling his weight domestically.

YANBU to not want the higher-paid-but-higher-stress job. (I'm a bit the same myself.) But he IBVVVU to express 'disappointment' oh I would SO kick his arse if he was mine whilst behaving in such a way as to make anything else impossible. How dare he manoeuvre you into a position of guilt, whilst undoubtedly congratulating himself for being so "new man" he wants his wife to have a high-powered job! How bloody dare he!

confussed Thu 22-Sep-11 15:13:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar Thu 22-Sep-11 15:33:35

Ok. I think you need to sit down and talk about how he makes you feel, as others have said. and also to talk the practical things. Not in a general tone i.e. 'yes ok i will help too with the house' but you write down a specific plan.

For example:

- Both of us full in time work, we 've got x hours of cleaning/ironing pw do we hire someone or split up the work between us? If hire someone who does the research/interview/trial?

- Who drops children to school, who collects. Who finds afterschool childcare and who deals with it. Who helps with homework.

- Who will be first called by school/cm if the child is ill

- Daily things like cooking/dishwasher/tidying.

- Emergency things like boiler etc

If you can draw a plan (a proper written plan not verbal blah blah) and organise your lives (in a fair way) then that can work well. If his work and hours mean that he cannot do the above then he has to admit that and negotiate another plan.

AvaLafff Thu 22-Sep-11 15:36:56

ut it will be more responsibility, slighty more hours, and more stress.

sod that for a couple of quid a week more

there is loads of time when kids are older to go back and work till you drop.

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