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Is it my responsibility or their Mother's?

(11 Posts)
floppybits Wed 21-Sep-11 19:11:33

I need help deciding what is fair for my child/husband/stepchildren. My DH has a degenerating spine disease and has lost his job and is unable to drive due to his medication and pain. We have a four year old daughter together who has just started school and my 10 and 11 year old stepchildren who live a fifty minute drive away, they spend every other weekend with us. I work part time including Saturday until lunchtime and live a long distance from my family so have no extra help. My stepkids have a huge amount of weekend activites from now onwards, I have offered to pick up my DSD from guides at 9pm on Friday and take both children back on Sunday whether it be to my DSS's rugby training or home, their mother refuses to drop off my DSS on a Saturday after his rugby and thinks I should pick him up which means I spend my day working and in the car so my DD and DH have no transport. There are also additional activities on Saturday pms which again are 50 mins away so on weekends we have them I spend no time with my own child and she has no transport for her own activities. If I refuse, my DH and DD don't see their children/siblings, but if I do it they are stuck at home and don't see me. AIBU to think that their Mother could be a bit more helpful with the driving as they are her children? (sorry for longwinded post but it's complicated!!)

pithtaker Wed 21-Sep-11 19:23:17

In the nicest possible way, I found that block of text hard to read and understand, could you break it up a bit? (you will get more responses if the text is easy to read.) smile

For what it's worth, I think she is probably BU , but it seems a complicated situation.Hope you get it sorted.

theredhen Wed 21-Sep-11 19:25:46

No yanbu, but be prepared to be told the dsc should be put before your DC as they don't have parents who live together. Hmm.

If dsc miss out on activities because their own mother won't help then that is her choice. Plenty of kids miss out on things because their biological parents can't stretch themselves in all directions.

try and find a balance where everyone gets a bit of what they need but above all don't neglect yourself as you can't be good mum or step mum if you're frazzled.

thisisyesterday Wed 21-Sep-11 19:27:25

hmm yes, i agree that she could be more helpful... but she is also maybe thinking the same thing? that she is busy and has x.y.z to do and that as it's your weekend you should just come and get them?

difficult one. are things amicable between your husband and her? could he discuss the possibility of her sometimes dropping the children over? or even meeting halfway?

FabbyChic Wed 21-Sep-11 19:29:33

Considering you are not the parent and the parent is seriously sick and cannot drive I think it is a bit much for the step children to have activities on the weekends you have them. At best there should be no activities on those weekend, if there are then she should bring them AFTER the activities.

floppybits Wed 21-Sep-11 19:30:50

Things are not amicable, she's always been difficult which is hard to understand as she ended the marriage as she was seeing other people. She has made it clear she is not prepared to do any driving on these weekends whatsoever, and if I can't do it we don't get to have the children at all....

FontSnob Wed 21-Sep-11 19:33:18

YANBU, is there any way that you could pick up DSS alternate weekends (of your alternate weekends), and his mum could do the other weekend drop off. That way you only each miss out on one Saturday each month. Would she be helpful in this way?

ChippingIn Wed 21-Sep-11 19:33:39

Given your DH's condition I think she should be being more accomodating to enable her children to see their Dad/go to their activities.

However, it's very hard to make people do things that they don't want to do sad

I would say to her that you are unable to take DSS to rugby on a Saturday so either she needs to do it or he will miss out every other week.

Could they get a bus/train to a stop/station near your house? They're old enough if they don't have to make any changes.

FontSnob Wed 21-Sep-11 19:33:52

Oh, x-post.Not helpful then sad

FontSnob Wed 21-Sep-11 19:35:25

Perhaps you could collect dss one weekend and he misses the other weekend, not ideal, but it would mean he only misses 1 out of 4 and still gets to see his dad.

Elderberries Wed 21-Sep-11 20:17:53

Can she really deny his access to his kids though?

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