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to be absolutely sick to death of my DCs and really, really wish I never had them?

(131 Posts)
Losinit Tue 20-Sep-11 19:09:16

DCs are 13(DD), 10(DS), 8(DS) and 2(DD). The older ones totally ignore me and I have to repeat myself again and again until I shout and feel like I am going to burst a blood vessel. It not that I can let it go either - this is got stuff like going to bed, getting up for school, getting school stuff together, getting shoes on, getting in car etc. I was never a horrible aggressive person like this and I swear everyday will be different but it is always the same. They will continue talking to each other while I am talking to them.

I actually just whacked the DSs as I asked one of them literally 6 times to do something for me as we were in a rush to go out and he would not do it. The other one was hiding in the clean ironed washing on my bed wearing the muddy trousers and jumper I had told him to take off. He thought it would be a great laugh to jump out on me while getting mud all over the place and screwing up the clothes. I did'nt! Now feel like shit of course and I know it won't make a blind bit of difference.

Everything is a bloody battle. They are rude, embarrass me in public with their arging and fighting, tell me the food I cook is disgusting, throw packets, wrappers and half eaten sweets behind the sofa and tv, leave the bathroom and toilets in a mess (I have been making them help with cleaning but again I have to shout and shout to make them do it). The oldest has been getting into trouble at school for being disruptive and my 10 year old is being assessed for possible ADHD again after long term behaviour problems. The stress has been exhausting.

Punishments do not make any difference to their behaviour either. I cannot understand where I went wrong with them. I am an intelligent person, show them a lot of love, have taught them right from wrong and try to do fun things with them.

We have had discussions about how their behaviour needs to improve because they are upsetting me but they really don't give a shit. I have always put myself last since I became a mother and always tried to make the DCs lives happy and I am now sick of getting no respect or consideration. The 2 year old is what is keeping me going at the moment I am sorry to say.

I am so BU I know but I really feel like buggering off and leaving DH to it. He is more 'together' than me and I feel like I am only screwing them up more. I probably am depressed but I defy anyone to live with them and not be. I sometimes wish we could be filmed so I can really see where I am going wrong.

Nevercan Tue 20-Sep-11 19:13:47

How about applying to supper nanny or something similar if you think it would help make you sane again. I find it hard dealing with two and mine are still young. You are doing really well with four. I think they should be showing you a lot more respect that they appear to be....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 20-Sep-11 19:14:22

OMG... poor OP. sad

You and your DH need to present a united front to discipline and get this sorted out before it gets really out of hand. I would start with the oldest, groundrules to follow, consequences laid out and followed through. Go to the school and get the teacher(s) on board. Make sure your children are there when they're supposed to be.

Work your way down towards the youngest, new rules, new discipline and none of them can play you and DH off against each other. Remove prinviledges and reward good behaviour, stuck record, rinse and repeat...

Family meetings every week and proper schedules of who is doing what and when. Split the DCs up when they're fighting.

You don't mean that you wish you didn't have them so don't beat yourself up about that - you need to get control though, before you get driven nuts. Talk to DH and work out how you're both going to tackle this, don't even think of leaving!

You CAN do this! shock

mummymeister Tue 20-Sep-11 19:14:31

Its gets all of us like this sometimes. do a list of things you want them to do in terms of helping round the house. make it clear that this is the minimum amount and that you are being reasonable to ask it - they arent babies after all. make a reasonable punishment if they don't - we confiscate phones or i players, ban tv or a favourite programme whatever is appropriate in your family. take a deep breath and sit down somewhere on your own. You arent going wrong anywhere you just need to tell your DH how crap you feel and see what he can do. good luck we are all with you!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 20-Sep-11 19:15:23

Divide and conquer, OP, that's what I meant to say. Don't let them gang up on you.

GypsyMoth Tue 20-Sep-11 19:15:54

Yanbu!!!

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Sep-11 19:18:03

Are you working outside the house, OP, or are you a SAHM?

What time does your DH come home?

Can you tell us something about the structure of your day? It sounds awful, really awful. Something has to change.

Balsam Tue 20-Sep-11 19:18:06

Is there a non-television version of supernanny? A child psychologist or behavioural therapist or something or other? You need some new techniques to deal with them.

You have my sympathies, sounds awful. Have yourself a nice glass of wine.

mistressploppy Tue 20-Sep-11 19:21:40

YANBU. Get it all out.

Any possibility of a short break?

wine

coccyx Tue 20-Sep-11 19:29:31

And breathe! I have 4 children of similar ages, 13,10, 5 and 3. Some days they drive me insane and yes i repeat myself again and again!!! My husband works away a lot and a few months ago decided that i needed to be in charge again.
Need to get them together with you and hubby. Tell them you are going to make changes and their behaviour is unacceptable.
I have a chore rota for all of them. good behaviour will not be overly rewarded as I don't want them doing things just because they will get something. They need to do them because it is reasonable and we are all part of a team. You need to get some respect back

bushymcbush Tue 20-Sep-11 19:30:32

Yanbu. It sounds awful. Something needs to change and the dc need to know it's serious. Family meeting every week sounds like a good idea. Targets, charts, removal of priviledges - no compromises and no second chances. Zero tolerance.

cottonreels Tue 20-Sep-11 19:32:12

I agree with getting school on board. A lot of your stresses sound school related:
getting up for school, getting school stuff together, getting shoes on, getting in car etc
Agree with headteacher if they are late for school they are 'punished' eg sit outside heads office during playtime or some such. If one makes them all late then I think they all take the punishment - theres nothing like peer pressure at this age.
And the shouting - you have to STOP. I know you know this and its easier said than done, but seriously, its not working and its making you feel like shit.
Instead act angry, lower your voice, gain eye contact, speak slowly.
Have a household diary where anyone can write whats upset them in the day eg DD1 made DS1 late, and whats made them happy. You write in it too. Go through it in a meeting once a week, try to listen to their grievances but make sure that they listen to yours too. Try to resolve the problems by asking them what they should do.
As an aside when you do fun things together try to do some listening games like:
- Draw a circle
- Below the circle draw a square
- To the right of the square, draw a second circle that intersects with the first circle
- Now draw a line from the middle of the first circle to the middle of the square
There are loads like this, just google some you think they'll enjoy.
Sorry you fewel so bad sad

MissBetsyTrotwood Tue 20-Sep-11 19:36:44

OK. So you've posted... good. Sometimes that in itself can make a difference.

You've had enough. The worse they behave, the worse you feel. The worse you feel, the more they wind you up. It sounds as though you are locked in a spiral with them and it's just getting tighter and more tense.

The feeling that you want to shut the door and walk away from it all says a lot. Maybe it's time you took a step back and did something for yourself - putting yourself last the whole time can't help anyone, even though it feels like the right thing to do. Sometimes a break in the 'spiral' (even a single yoga class that you go to alone, or just doing something for 10 minutes that you enjoy) can give you all a fresh start. And give you the strength to make the changes you need.

I think the suggestion to linking this to school is a good one. There was a therapist at a secondary school I used to work at who did sessions with families and it was a really well used service. Most secondary schools will have a counsellor who, if they can't help you will be able to give you details of someone who can help you re structure family life a bit. Or speak to a head of year.

Good luck and big hugs.

MangoMonster Tue 20-Sep-11 19:37:58

Sounds very stressful. Don't give up, there must be some kind of support somewhere that could help you. Yanbu, it must be very trying and tiring, I'm sure some other posters will have some practical advice.

Losinit Tue 20-Sep-11 19:40:14

DH works approx 8-9am to 8-9pm 5 days a week including weekends. Cannot change job/hours, believe me we've tried. He is here for AM school run and as they don't listen to him either it is always a mad panic. We have no TV/computer in the AM but I will still find them lying in the floor in their room (DSs) reading books when they are supposed to cleaning teeth, putting socks on etc. DD will arse about curling her lashes and whatever and I will be sat in the car hooting the horn swearing under my breath.

Nothing is done until we really shout and I am sick of worrying about the neighbours walking past and hearing. It really gets me down. I AM NOT THE PERSON I HAVE TURNED IN TO! I hate having to lose my temper but that is what it always turns into.

We do have a chore list, that piece of yellowing paper stuck to the fridge.

We have gone for weeks before with TV/computer banned and all they do is constantly whinge and whinge and it does not achieve anything when we let them have them again.

They do activities after school which cost ££s and I am thinking about stopping them as well as they will not get ready to go and again I have to shout but I have paid until half term now! I keep wondering WTF am I doing, doing all this for them when they do not care at all..

I am a SAHM mum and an desperate to go back to work but worry about DD coming home alone (DSs will go to after school club, DD2 nursery), and I know they will not do a damn thing to help me so things will be even more stressed.
The daytimes with DD2 are lovely until I pick the buggers up from school and I hate dreading picking them up. It is shit.

OK rant over. I feel better now!

AuntiePickleBottom Tue 20-Sep-11 19:40:34

i think you could do with a break.

could your HV suggest any groups or parenting type course

MissBetsyTrotwood Tue 20-Sep-11 19:40:39

And I agree with cottonreels about the shouting. It's exhausting for the body and the spirit. Try not to... think of it as preserving yourself!

theidsalright Tue 20-Sep-11 19:47:08

I agree with auntiepickle do you have PPP (it's a parenting program) groups near you? They offer it free where I live, through HV's and child and family social work teams, to everyone, if the family themselves identifies the need (it's not a scary SW type thing at all). The program really does work if you all do it but it would work enough to give you a bit of respite even if only you and your DP did it.

Losinit Tue 20-Sep-11 19:51:04

They are never late for school, I just end up a complete jittery nervous wreck by the time we get there.

The school have been very supportive regarding the problems DD and DS have had and they know we are fully engaged with them and are trying with them.

We do have family conferences and talk about how they feel when we shout and they say they know they behave badly. They do not have any fear of consequences though.

I have also thought about downing tools and making them do everything for themselves, letting them be late etc. That may be the next plan before we beg for Supernanny.

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Tue 20-Sep-11 19:54:20

Stop the extras like afterschool activities as soon as you can. Stop pocket money - make them earn it (if they get it!) by doing their chores. Take privileges like DS, Wii, computer time, etc away - grounding (but then you get no break from the buggers!). I am totally dreading my kids being this age - I think they all go through phases like this of winding each other up - I can already see it happening and mine are only 2, 4 and 6!

i agree - make a date with a friend to go to the pub, or to the pictures, just take some time out for YOU and let them get on with it for an evening.

Losinit Tue 20-Sep-11 19:56:47

HV put me onto an stress and anxiety workshop. Hmmm I will ask about parenting classes as well then. Even though I am an 'old hand', I am obviously not doing it right. I will call her tomorrow and see if she will come round.

Thanks all. Lots of good ideas. Guess I'll still be here tomorrow then!

Bubandbump Tue 20-Sep-11 20:01:19

Ok I have only a DD who is 4 months old so I am probably talking out of my bottom but if they aren't ready on time in the mornings, can you wake them up 5 mins earlier every morning until they decide they can be ready on time? And by wake them up, I mean get 3 really loud annoying alarm clocks and put them inside their doors every morning - surely teens and nearly teens hate being up early the morning?

There were 4 of us growing up and we would never have done any of what you described out of respect for our parents. I would say get hard and where it hurts. If eyelashes are being curled delaying school, then the next day, the curlers get confiscated until they can prove they can be ready on time with them, ditto if it's books. You may end up stripping the entire house though but I imagine they would get the idea (eventually).

I would stop also telling them to do things. They have a daily list of chores, if they ignore it, things and privileges get withdrawn - what about pocket money reductions / going out with friends? They probably see you as nagging at them and therefore just zone out. You could have a weekly meeting where you explain the rota for the next week, the consequences for missing it and what priviledges were withdrawn as a result of the previous weeks behaviour. Then I would just let them get on with it.

Oh and swimming - such a great destresser. I now await all the mnetters with actual experience to tell me how much I have to learn..

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Sep-11 20:06:21

I think they need to be late. You should warn the school (speak to their class or form teacher in person) and explain what the situation is like. Tell them they should punish them for lateness.

Be in the car at the right time, with the youngest child. Don't press the horn. Tell them ten minutes before and five minutes before and then go to the car.

They know you will get them there in time at the moment. Don't do that. Just calmly sit in the car and wait. Take a book. Then drive at a normal pace - don't rush and ignore any screams for you to hurry. Drop them off and watch them rush into school. Pray for detentions. After a few days you should find they are a bit better.

As for telling you they hate your food, what the hell is that about? Do you discuss with them what you'll have, ie write a meal plan at the weekend for the week ahead? If they don't like it, they should know they will have to cook their own meal, and btw not with ingredients that you'll need for another meal.

Losinit Tue 20-Sep-11 20:06:23

Bubandbump you are right about not telling them to do things. Even I am sick of the sound of my voice, let alone them! Great idea - not bad for a rookie wink.

MissBetsyTrotwood Tue 20-Sep-11 20:06:33

Even though I am an 'old hand', I am obviously not doing it right.

I venture to suggest you are doing it too right. They have no idea how much you really do do for them.

Now stop being so hard on yourself and enjoy a lovely wine .

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