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AIBU or is the nursery?

(48 Posts)
wastedwaist Tue 20-Sep-11 12:52:06

My DS (2:11) is having a bit of trouble potty training. He has had quite a few health problems (pneumonia, heart defect, asthma) and although is in good health now is quite sensitive and 'babyish' He did have problems with his speech but is better at being understood now.

His nursery are really REALLY pushing the potty training. They say that at his age he should be fully trained by now and that all his peers have been trained. He will sit on the potty for them but is wetting himself a couple of times a day. He will not sit on the potty at home. He gets really distressed. I have tried everything I can think of (...treats, big boys pants with his favourite characters, sitting on the big loo.....his sister has sat on the potty, I have, heck even DH sat on it!!) He just isn't convinced, says no and is quite happy with nappies....

....anyway all his friends have been moved up to the next room at nursery and he is with smaller children. He is quite tall for his age so it is really noticable. They say that unless he has special needs he cannot go into the next room but I think he should be allowed to go in there to improve his speech, play with his friends, see them use the potty and then (hopefully) it will all fall into place.

AIBU to think that this seems really unfair?

confusedandbewildered Tue 20-Sep-11 12:54:45

YANBU, keeping him in his current room will just hold him back. At our nursery there were boys over the age of 3 still in nappies! They just do whatever suits the family and give you loads of help with it. The word "should" when it comes to potty training is highly unhelpful!

sunnydelight Tue 20-Sep-11 12:55:32

It doesn't sound like a very nurturing environment tbh. I can't believe they won't move him to the next room just because he isn't potty trained. YANU to be upset - is a different nursery an option?

MsGee Tue 20-Sep-11 12:56:48

YANBU. At my DD nursery there are a lot of children in the 2.5 and 3+ rooms who have not been potty trained - or are in the process. If he is not ready there is little point pushing things.

Can HV advise or give you some information to pass on showing that they are wrong - something along the lines of that children are not all potty trained by this age and shouldn't be pushed before they are ready?

booyhoo Tue 20-Sep-11 13:00:37

firstly, your son is no tready to potty train if he is finding it distressing.

i made this mistake wen ds1 was 2.5. i started him before he sowed anysigns and i didthe whole treat/reward thing. ittook six long stressful months before he was starting to go wthout accidets!!

this time round iam letting ds2 take thereigns. some days he willask to use the potty 4 times a day, other dayshe will forget altogether. i askhim if he wants to come wthm wheni use the toiletand sometimes he does. there is no pressure at ll, he is hapytosit on the potty when it is his own choice to do so.

youwill create anissue for your son ifyou keep putting pressure on him. IMO i would forget about the whole toiletthing unless he ass to use it. and he willask, it just mightnt be acording to your schedule.and why shoud it be?it's his body, let himdecide when he is ready.

secondly, the nursery surely have a good reason wy he cant move up to th next room? i ould guessthat al cildren inthe next room are toilet trained s no nappies.? although if he is otherwise a the sae level as his peers i see no reason to keep him with younger cildren. a nappy can bechanged in two minutes and it des't affect theothr chilren.

apologies for spelling,my laptop is very tempramental.

coccyx Tue 20-Sep-11 13:01:13

As a mother of 4 I would say they are being awful. Where is the flexibility, child centred care. they should recognise not all children are the same. He is being penalised unfairly.

alana39 Tue 20-Sep-11 13:01:18

YANBU Neither of my older 2 would even consider using a potty or toilet until they were 3 (DS1) and 3.4 (DS2) then for some reason decided they were big boys and were trained almost overnight.

You can't force them, and it's only one aspect of development. DS2 could read pretty well before he could be bothered to crap outside his nappyhmm

Chundle Tue 20-Sep-11 13:04:19

Yanbu! My dd is only 2 she ha a few additional needs and the people that see her regularly have told us that nurseries that are attached to schools that take kids at age 3 can no longer demand or expect any kids SN or not to be potty trained on entering nursery!! Do not push him as he will only go backwards. Your son has been through a lot and this will have set him back a bit. Tell them to sod off or else you will find a more understanding nursery

YANBU. Your son isnt ready for potty training, pure and simple,and nursery will do him more harm than good by holding him back because of it.

JarethTheGoblinKing Tue 20-Sep-11 13:06:03

They are being incredibly unreasonable! DS was one of the last ones in his group to train, but as soon as he moved up to the next room with all his friends it all clicked into place. They let him use the potty in the 3-5 room for a short while, and after a couple of weeks suggested the toilet and he went from there and was dry quite quickly.

Incidentally - DS was 2.11 when we started trying to potty train as he seemed to be showing signs, but it was a total failure. Gave up totally and left it for 2 months, tried again and he fairly reliably dry within a few days.

I would be having serious words with them and possibily look for another nursery. I'm always one to follow the nursery's lead with most things but this would have me speaking to the manager.

Is it a private nursery?

iwantbrie Tue 20-Sep-11 13:08:26

YANBU. I'd make an appointment to speak to his keyworker if possible.
Can you also possibly speak to your GP/HV or Specialist (assuming he is under specialist care for his heart defect)? If the staff won't take your wishes into consideration then I'd really look at other options.
BTW, my DS didn't even look at the potty when he eventually trained, we ended up getting a loo seat for him so he could go 'like Daddy'. The potty ended up being used as a bathroom ornament for a couple of years!

Witchofthenorth Tue 20-Sep-11 13:11:26

YANBU! DD was over 3 before she ws potty trained, he is clearly not ready and should be allowed to move to the bigger class with his peers. I am really angry at this nursery, just because he is still in nappies doesn't mean his mental age doesn't progress ffs! And what's with the SN from the nursery, what has that got to do with it? I would be thinking about changing nurseries.

wastedwaist Tue 20-Sep-11 13:11:44

Thanks everyone, DS is my second child (DD is 5 and didn't have any problems so this is all new to me) It's really reassurring to know that INBU. It is a private nursery, it costs £243 per week!!!

I'll be speaking to them tonight,


Poogles Tue 20-Sep-11 13:20:26

Same as Alana - DS refused to go near a potty and then at 3.3 decided he wanted to use the toilet. He went dry straight away - only 1 accident in 6 months (and that was because we didn't get there in time!). Nursery were really supportive (and I think quite pleased that instead of lots of accidents to clear up they had a fully potty trained boy over night!

There is already enough to stress about! Let him do it in his own time and if they don't like it I would consider a new nursery!

itisnearlysummer Tue 20-Sep-11 13:25:18

YANBU. This is for their convenience, not in the best interest of your child.

Having taken a very laid back approach to potty training both of mine (as in I did it when they were ready rather than when it was convenient for me), I found that their biggest single motivator was realising that their friends/peers were moving out of nappies into pants.

Both of mine were 3 and once it was done there were no accidents because they were ready.

whackamole Tue 20-Sep-11 13:29:20

YANBU - but they may not have nappy changing facilities in the other area, it is probably more a pre-school.

My boys are not trained yet at 2.8 and I don't think they will be for a while. They are also behind with their speech. The difference is, our nursery is fab, so supportive, they are not concerned have not issued ultimatums and are just happy to go with the flow. I think your nursery are being a little unfair.

PrincessTamTam Tue 20-Sep-11 13:33:29

YANBU at all. They are wrong. Be firm with them, they are punishing him by not moving him up and it could be harmful to his development. They do not sound like a child centred environment, I would keep a close eye on them from now on and personally would be researching other options. Good luck.

ballstoit Tue 20-Sep-11 13:35:29

I'd suggest you direct them to the Early Years Foundation Framework Guidelines...for example, on page 9 'Every child should be supported individually to make progress at their own pace and children who need extra support to fulfill their potential should receive special consideration' and 'Providers have responsibility to ensure positive attitudes to diversity and difference'.

By keeping him, purely because he isn't toilet trained, they are failing to adhere to the guidelines. If you have no joy with nursery, I'd contact Ofsted. They are not fulfilling their obligations to your child.

BlueGeranium Tue 20-Sep-11 13:38:31

YADNBU. DD was 3.3 when she was finally potty trained. I tried to potty train her before DS was born, but she wasn't ready. She would sit for ages on the potty doing nothing then get off, pull up her knickers and then wet herself. I only wanted her "done" before DS was born so I wouldn't have two of them in nappies, but quickly realised she wasn't ready.

When DD eventually potty trained she was done in two days, and rarely had an accident after that. So I shall be waiting until DS shows all the signs of being ready before I attempt potty training.

Fortunately the nursery DD went to was very relaxed about potty training. They said ideally they would like all the children aged 3 and upwards to be potty trained, but if they weren't then it wasn't a problem and they would still change their nappies.

CustardCake Tue 20-Sep-11 13:43:32

YANBU - I would be furious about this. Firstly they are not in a position to determine whether a child does or doesn't have "special needs" as they say. Secondly not being potty trained is entirely normal for his age. Children in this country are taught according to their age not their continence levels ffs!

I would tell them in no uncertain terms that the pressure stops, he moves rooms to be with his peers and that you will consult Ofsted and make an official complaint at at the nursery's failure to treat him as an individual with his own rate of physical development and for effectively punishing and humiliating him into becoming potty trained before he is ready.

OmniumAndGatherum Tue 20-Sep-11 13:47:24

What a frightful nursery. Can you find an alternative? I can't believe that people like this are allowed to look after small children. sad

SurprisEs Tue 20-Sep-11 13:52:57

YANBU. The nursery are there to aid your child with his natural development not to set him back! There are plenty of children in nappies at 3 and if they were really that bothered they would want him to be with his friends of the same age in hope he would copy them and feel confident about the potty.

Find another nursery is my opinion. Bullies.

Mishy1234 Tue 20-Sep-11 15:31:00


I think that just over 2 is very young to potty train. I didn't even try with DS2 until he was 2.5 and then it only took a couple of days because he was ready.

As for the nursery, I'm astounded. They are clearly holding him back a room because that's what is convenient for them and it's not in his best interests. What is stopping them from moving him and carrying on with nappies for a while until he's ready? I would also say that I wouldn't consider not being trained at 2.11 as having "special needs". Utterly ridiculous.

I would put my foot down about it and get him moved up with his friends. Also, they need to forget the potty training until YOU say he's ready. If they don't comply them move him.

Mishy1234 Tue 20-Sep-11 15:33:07

Also, I agree with CustardCake's suggestion to consult Ofsted. They are supposed to respect each child as an individual and they certainly aren't doing that in this case.

notcitrus Tue 20-Sep-11 15:40:08

YANBU, though sounds like a long chat with the nursery about what they can and can't do might be more useful than going in all guns blazing.
My ds was 2.10, we'd tried potty training at home and nursery a couple months earlier but he'd got so distressed we gave up after 4 days, and then did lots of practice of getting trousers up and down (which he couldn't do), and then used pull-ups to get him used to getting those up and down himself. He did not want to be grown-up at all!

Then nursery explained that around 3, he could go up to the pre-school room, where all the children are toilet-trained (though accidents are common), and if he was still in nappies changes would have to be done on the floor and he might feel different from all the others. Or he could stay in his room for a couple more months but after that he'd be the eldest and likely getting bored. So we embarked on intense bribery and rewards for going along with the plan - which after a week of fighting and another of wee everywhere, worked really well and he's incredibly proud of himself.

I'd argue that if he's had health problems he does have special needs and should be with his peers, but equally if you have a stubborn child like mine, at some point you may have to say 'this is how it is - it's pants from now on.'

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