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To take back my car?

(216 Posts)
damodad Tue 20-Sep-11 12:41:06

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

eurochick Tue 20-Sep-11 12:42:37

Are you in a financial position to give her the car (or a cheaper one)? That way there would be no ongoing commitment but you wouldn't need to disrupt your son's education.

Take it back as agreed.

nocake Tue 20-Sep-11 12:44:32

You need to be sorting out a financial separation, not just worrying about the car.

fanjobanjowanjo Tue 20-Sep-11 12:46:01

Do you pay maintenance for DS? If you do, you don't owe her this car! Has she never heard of a bus? It's completely wrong and she's treating you like a mug.

Stormwater Tue 20-Sep-11 12:47:51

Can you afford to buy her a cheap runaround, on the basis that the running costs are down to her? I think if it were a question of my son moving schools I'd try to avoid it if he had recently had disruption from the split.

damodad Tue 20-Sep-11 12:52:59

I do pay maintenance, and other than the car we have arrangements in place for all other financial matters.

I can't afford to buy her a cheap car so thats not really an option. In fact even I gave her the car, I'm not sure if she could afford to run it anyway.

fanjobanjowanjo Tue 20-Sep-11 12:58:46

Take it back! She's got to grow up - it was her choice to leave you, so it's her choice to find a way to make it work financially. Where's the new bloke in all this? Can't he buy her a car?

sunnydelight Tue 20-Sep-11 13:07:26

Take back your car. Sounds like she doesn't really understand the concept of sticking to agreements.

If she was just using it for her sole use I wouldnt hesitate in saying take it back. However, will it be detrimental to your DS if she does...how will he get to school?

YANBU in wanting to take the car back but dont do it just to spite her if it is going to make DS suffer too .

damodad Tue 20-Sep-11 13:41:55

The new bloke is in fact a new woman, she also has a daughter and a wife. They don't live together as my ex would loose a lot of money in benefits. The new woman has a car but she needs it to get to work but I suppose they may be able to work it out (not really my problem though!).

I am aware that it may be viewed as petty or vindictive but this is my take on it:

She left me.
She wants a new life where she still doesn't have to work but with the perks of her old life
She knew where DS1 was going to school when she moved into her new house (near to new woman).
This was all agreed in June!

fanjobanjowanjo Tue 20-Sep-11 13:57:30

If she was just using it for her sole use I wouldnt hesitate in saying take it back. However, will it be detrimental to your DS if she does...how will he get to school?

Bus? It's not detrimental to DS, plenty of families get the kids to school without a car.

Yeah, if it is on a bus route? Some people live out in the sticks where the bus service is crap and as I dont know where OP's ex lives I cant say.

My point is dont do stuff out of spite when other people are going to suffer...I hate kids getting used as weapons when couples split - My sister did this and her kids are royally screwed up as a result of it.

damodad Tue 20-Sep-11 14:11:47

We live in a major city. We lived 2 miles away from the school, but she is now 4.1 miles away. Not sure about bus routes etc?

My main point is that she didn't take this into consideration when she moved but now I have to take it into consideration when I want my car back!

snoopdogg Tue 20-Sep-11 14:14:16

If she's on benefits and more than 3 miles from school wouldn't DS qualify for free bus?

SwingingBetty Tue 20-Sep-11 14:15:33

let the other man buy her a car

SwingingBetty Tue 20-Sep-11 14:16:36

She wants a new life where she still doesn't have to work but with the perks of her old life

so are you going to carry on allowing her to walk over you and take you as a mug

SnakeOnCrack Tue 20-Sep-11 14:23:13

If you are paying maintainence/fair money for the kids, then I would say you were within your rights to research the buses, give her the info and then take the car back as originally planned. I take it you are also paying for the insurance/MOT/tax/petrol then? It's unecessary, don't be made to feel guilty, obviously things cannot carry on as they did before, you are no longer a couple.

thisisyesterday Tue 20-Sep-11 14:24:34

i would take it back and buy her a bus pass instead

seriousoly, you are right... nothing will change and you will end up paying for it forever.

if she would seriously take her son out of school rather than look for somewhere closer to live/take the bus/get her own car well... that's kind of spiteful

she is hoping to guilt trip you into letting her have it.
don't fall for it.

thisisyesterday Tue 20-Sep-11 14:25:34

OR, tell her she can buy the car off you for x amount of money, give her a good deal on it.
or say she can keep it for (so she can do school run), but that you won't be paying running costs on it?

fanjobanjowanjo Tue 20-Sep-11 14:27:27

"Yeah, if it is on a bus route? Some people live out in the sticks where the bus service is crap and as I dont know where OP's ex lives I cant say.

My point is dont do stuff out of spite when other people are going to suffer...I hate kids getting used as weapons when couples split - My sister did this and her kids are royally screwed up as a result of it."

Exactly why I initially asked about maintenance. She should be able to work out an alternative in terms of DS without it being about DS as a weapon.

aldiwhore Tue 20-Sep-11 15:15:19

Take back the car. If you're in a major city there will be a bus or two with 4 miles.

Sounds like you've had a shit time, don't be a mug anymore, you don't have to me. If she doesn't play fair then I think you'll have to brace yourself for battle. Good luck

damodad Tue 20-Sep-11 22:44:01

So I asked for the car back and this is what I get... sometimes I feel like banging my head against a brick wall...

Listen i'm trying to do whats best for the kids it's not about us. I don't think you are a mug by letting me have the car because it is about the kids! We were in a marriage that meant I would not work so I could look after the kids whilst you went to work to support us. Our break up has not changed anything - i am still looking after the kids so that you can go to work so getting a job would mean you need to contribute more to the daily running around of the kids as I would be going to work as well as you. I do intend to go back to work but when Louis is old enough to go to pre-school (I have looked into part time - although you think i have done nothing - but it is not worth the money I would receive when you look at childcare costs) - you would also have to contribute to which would mean more money to pay out.

They are our children and although you say you want to break all ties with me - well that is completely impossible because we have two children together who love us both.

At the end of the day, WE need to get the kids to school and if you are going to take the car from me then you will have to step up and share some of the responsibility for this as so far I have been able to do this because I have had transport and haven't been working.

Please don't ever think I have it easy - being on benefits does not mean that I am swanning around spending lots of money on anything I want. I am trying to support myself and our children. I did not have it easy when i left the house as you often say and have everything given to me on a plate - I have had to make a new home and I know you will say i have chosen this and that is true but at the end of the day we both need to think about the children. I am not asking to be friends with you but what I am asking is that we think about the children.

At the end of the day, if you take the car then so be it but you will have to take more responsibility for taking DS to school and also dropping them off here and picking them up.

You have asked for certain things since we have split like me having the children when you are on call and again, this has been so that you can go to work and if I go to work then you would again have to take more responsibility for the kids when you are on call.

SnapesMistress Tue 20-Sep-11 22:48:13

Take the car back and buy her a bus pass, that is more than fair.

FabbyChic Tue 20-Sep-11 23:05:15

Tell her that she chose to leave the relationship and should have considered the implications that would have on her life. It is her responsibility as primary carer to ensure the children get to school and how she achieves that is down to her.

You already pay more than enough to facilitate other things in her life, and a car was not part of the bargain.

When relationships split up every body loses out and some things have to give, she has to go without a car its as simple as that.

She is laying the guilt trip on you, its not fair and it's wrong.

Tell her that when she does work if she does as a single parent she will get financial assistance from teh state and you fail to see why you would have to pay for something that would be paid for elsewhere.

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