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What would you do about this? DH didn't even realise he was gone

(112 Posts)
Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:12:33

I can't work out if this is a big deal or not
The more I think about it, the more upset I am

We had a barbecue on Sat, DH was faffing about getting the barbecue ready, and he was really stressed. We didn't have any ice, so I said I would go and get some really quickly.
He was still faffing around outside, so I just said bye, I'm going, I'm taking DS with me.

Anyway, we had to go to 2 shops for ice, and DS wanted everything in the shop, so we were about half an hour.

Came back in and DH said, oh I didn't even realise he has gone with you.

DS is nearly 4.
If I am in the house with him, I don't go for half an hour without checking on him
Also, we have a second lock on the front door, like a chain, so if DS is in the house it needs to be locked as he will try and follow me, and he hadn't locked that.

so he didn't notice his son was gone, didn't check on him for half an hour.
He thought I had gone out alone, so should have locked the door behind me

what do you think?

ladyintheradiator Tue 20-Sep-11 10:15:12

I think that on it's own this is a bit of a non-issue as DS was with you. But having read your other thread there's obviously rather more to it than this and I don't think you're doing yourself a favour by dwelling on a little thing and ignoring the big thing.

Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:23:23

What, the big issue being I can't leave DS with DH?!
That's what I'm trying to figure out!

I didn't want to bring anything else into it, I just wanted to know opinions on this one incident
I have to discuss DS with him, so I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable about this

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Sep-11 10:25:25

YABU... making a mountain out of a casual throwaway remark of a molehill.

diddl Tue 20-Sep-11 10:27:18

But you didn´t leave them together.

And why should he lock the door behind you?

Wouldn´t you do that yourself?

But this doesn´t mean that if your husband was on his own with your son he would forget about him, does it?

MurunBuchstansangur Tue 20-Sep-11 10:30:23


You are overthinking it. I might pop out and leave my 4 YO with my DH. He would be in his room with his playmobil or something, DH wouldn't know he was there IYSWIM. It's just a throwaway comment.

forget about it.

I thought your AIBU was going to be that your DH lost your DS. Then you would have something to complain about.

thisisyesterday Tue 20-Sep-11 10:32:25

hmm i wouldn't "do" anything about it. but i do think it's a bit off that if he thought ds was with him he didn't check on him or ensure the door was locked yes.

what did he say when you asked him why he hadn't noticed ds wasn't there?

it could be that subconsciously he HAD heard that you were taking him and so didn't check. and when you got back he had that sudden "oh! yes! he was with you" kind of moment?

ladyintheradiator Tue 20-Sep-11 10:32:45

Alright, then you're being totally unreasonable, you didn't leave DS with him so you can't possibly speculate as to how things would have gone if you had done. My DS is almost 4 too and if I went out and DP was in the garden there's no way DS would leave DP alone for half an hour, he'd be out there wanting to know what he's doing etc or just play or say daddy what are you doing or whatever. Even if DS was, let's say, playing quietly in the living room the whole time I was gone, and DP was outside the whole time I was gone, so what? Totally unreasonable of you to say you can't leave DS with him and a very unfair comment.

Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:34:07

ok, cogito, thanks

If he thought DS was in the house and I had gone out, he should have locked the door behind me. The second lock should always be on if DS is in the house. I say lock, its just a latch, has to be done from the inside.

thisisyesterday Tue 20-Sep-11 10:35:02

but isn't the point that her DP thought DS was with him?

and not only had he not checked on him, he hadn't locked the door?

ChristinedePizan Tue 20-Sep-11 10:36:01

But you were only gone 1/2 an hour, not two. So he might have checked if you'd been gone longer. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill but I've not read your other threads

Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:38:17

aarrggh, i'm really confused now

DH didn't know I had taken DS
And he didn't check on him for half an hour

And if he thought he was in the house, he should have put the latch on

thisisyesterday- i get what you mean about subconciously he did hear me and subconciously he knew DS was with me
I think that's probably the case

LITR- I'm not saying I can't leave DS with DH, I thought you were referring to that!!

WorzselMummage Tue 20-Sep-11 10:39:27

You sound like you don't like or trust your husband very much Zoggs.

Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:39:59

Forget the other threads-

Is it reasonable for a father to not check on a son that he thinks is in the house for 30 minutes, especially if he has not locked the front door and the lock had to be put on the door to stop the child escaping

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Sep-11 10:41:11

You said at the outset that your DH was preoccupied with a BBQ which is presumably why you took the kid with you in the first place. You seem oddly disappointed that DH wasn't panicking and calling out search parties even though you'd told him where you were going and that DS was with you. It's a total non-event.

Ephiny Tue 20-Sep-11 10:41:57

Sounds like a complete non-issue to me, though I haven't seen your other thread so maybe there's more context/background here that I don't know about.

thisisyesterday Tue 20-Sep-11 10:42:07

i have to admit that there are plenty of times when I don't check on ds2 (who is almost 4) for over half an hour. that on its own wouldn't necessarily worry me.

that said, if i was outside doing something and he was indoors I probably would poke my head in to make sure he was ok.

does your DS have form for unlocking the door and getting out? if so then yes, I would be cross that he hadn't done that.

ladyintheradiator Tue 20-Sep-11 10:43:10

Well if it were my DP and my house, then no it would not be unreasonable, because it just wouldn't happen that way.

But if we had a door that needed locking (have lived in such a house before), then being the one unlocking it to go out I'd say it was my responsibility to make sure DP followed me to the door and locked it after me.

You didn't do that because you didn't leave him so it's conjecture. What it this, thought crime?

Georgimama Tue 20-Sep-11 10:46:07

I agree with ladyintheradiator. And tbh yes I would and do leave DS (also 4) to his own devices in the house for 30 minutes while I was doing something and he was engrossed in play - our house is child proof in the sense there is nothing lying about or in low cupboards that could harm him, and he is a sensible child capable of asking for help if he needs it. DS would be quite happy in his playroom or bedroom entertaining himself for 30 minutes if the mood took him.

You shouldn't need to lock the door to stop your child escaping. 4 is old enough to know he does not go out of the door on his own, end of.

Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:47:26

Bloody hell, I am asking for your help to figure out if this is an issue or not.
There is absolutely no need to be snippy

yes DS, does have form for getting out, that's why we got the second lock

WorzselMummage- DH is very difficult and complex, and we have relationship issues, which we are trying to work on. But in the meantime, I have DS to worry about.

rubyrubyruby Tue 20-Sep-11 10:48:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumblechum1 Tue 20-Sep-11 10:49:03

Zoggs, I really don't think it is an issue.

Perhaps you should change your lock so that it automatically locks when you go out.

Morloth Tue 20-Sep-11 10:49:15

You can't just expect people to forget the other threads, the picture you are painting is either of: a) a very disinterested and downright neglectful father, or b) an overbearing and neurotic mother.

In isolation I don't think this is a very big deal and is probably something that would happen with us, DH would kinda hear me, kinda of process the thought he didn't need to worry about DS but still be a bit 'Oh you took him with you...'

If you want people to disregard your previous posts on the same subject you are going to need to namechange.

Zoggsrus Tue 20-Sep-11 10:50:21

he's nearly 4, and he's a bolter
The house is safe.
I personally don't leave him more than 10 minutes or so, which I will admit is probably a bit pfb!

cory Tue 20-Sep-11 10:51:37

Well, you did ask and I would say it is absolutely normal to leave a 4yo alone without checking every half hour. If my ds had left the house on his own I would have bollocked him instead.

But if there was a problem then I would say it was your responsibility to check that your dh had heard you, not the other way round.

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