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AIBU?

Is DP being unreasonable to be annoyed by an uninvited guest at his reunion?

18 replies

VegetablePatch · 18/09/2011 09:07

DP has organised a 20 year reunion for 7 friends who were at University together. He has put a lot of effort and planning into it, over the course of a year, to make it a great weekend for everyone, and some of the 'boys' are travelling from overseas. So it's quite important to him.

With less than one month to go, one of the invitees has emailed to announce that he has invited one of his friends, X, from University along to the weekend (without checking the situation regarding arrangements/numbers).

5 of the 7 don't like X (and DP can't stand him). DP is refusing to make additional arrangements for him. One of the people who DO like him, is travelling over from Dubai so it makes sense for him to be able to see X in the same visit.

I've told DP just to go along with it, make the arrangements etc., but he's really quite adamant that X will ruin the whole weekend. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2011 09:12

He's not being unreasonable, the friend is. This is obviously an invitation-only party, the presence of X would spoil it for most and the friend should be told that it's him on his own or not to bother.

Stormwater · 18/09/2011 09:13

Is the inviter aware that 5 others don't like this guy? If so, it was very unfair of him to invite the extra guy, and I don't think it's out of order for the others to tell him to make other arrangements at all. Perhaps one of the most tactful of the five could be nominated to phone the inviter and talk it through with him, and ask him to reconsider?

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 18/09/2011 09:14

Yes and no. Two people do like X and presumably, they are old enough to get over it.
DH had a university reunion about 20 years ago. I went and couldn't work out why they thought they had been friends.
Everyone had changed dramatically and those who were closest at college, had little in common any more, and vice versa.
TBH, your DH sounds like my DD. My game, my rules and if you don't play properly, you won't play at all with me.

TheProvincialLady · 18/09/2011 09:15

5 or the 7 don't like X so it will be a crap time for everyone including X if he comes. DH should tell his friend that X is not invited.

Eglu · 18/09/2011 09:17

He is not being unreasonable. This is just not a siuation where it is the more the merrier. Friend should have asked. Very rude to just invite an extra.

Spuddybean · 18/09/2011 09:18

I think the friend is being unreasonable. It is rude to invite someone else along to this kind of thing - especially if they know the majority of the group don't like him.

Why don't they like him? (out of nosiness interest.)

VinegarTits · 18/09/2011 09:19

Christ how old is he? tell him to grow up and enjoy his weekend, the only thing that will spoil it will be his sulking

VegetablePatch · 18/09/2011 09:38

DP here:

For your interest I don't like X because he is a self opinionated, look-at-me kind of twat. I also may add that as a group of 7 friends we have met up at least once a year since Uni without X. However, I do realise that 1 of the 2 who like X is coming from Dubai and for his sake it would be nice for him to see X. I have already said that I won't be making arrangements for X, he can make his own if he wants to come. I am torn, though, for the sake of my friend in Dubai should I include X?

OP posts:

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 18/09/2011 09:40

Cant X just make his own arrangements. Honestly, it can't be hard. It's not as if he needs extra rooms for his security detail is it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2011 09:41

If the friend in Dubai wants to see X, surely they can make their own arrangements? This is a specific get-together, your friend has made a mistake inviting X and, if you let X come to this reunion, I guarantee he'll be at all the subsequent ones because he'll now think he's officially 'in'.

mousesma · 18/09/2011 09:41

How long has it been since you have seen X? Is it possible he has grown up and is a nicer person now?

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 18/09/2011 09:41

Another thought from my thought box, if your friend is coming over from Dubai, presumably he won't just be staying for the reunion.
Could he spend some time either before or after alone with him?

DuelingFanjo · 18/09/2011 09:41

No. Presumably someone coming all the way from dubai will be herte long enough to see x on another day? Yanbu.

aldiwhore · 18/09/2011 09:42

I'd include X even if he's a knobber, there's really only two ways you can go and one of them is rather childish and quite rude to X who's been invited along by your friend rather than invited himself. Your friend's been thoughtless in inviting him, but I wouldn't allow it to ruin the weekend, roll with it.

Can completely understand you being pretty cross about the whole thing.

MajorB · 18/09/2011 09:58

I actually think there comes a point in your life as an adult when you get to say "my time to relax and have fun is actually pretty limited, and I only want to spend that time with people I actually like." especially at an event that you've organised.

If the 7 of you are good mates, simply go back to the one who invited X and say what you've said on here I.e. "I've worked really hard on making this reunion happen, I want the people there to be people we all enjoy spending time with, the majority of us don't like spending time with X, can you arrange your own time to meet him after/before this weekend."

EdithWeston · 18/09/2011 10:15

Is Dubai friend actually aware of a) the animosity that X provokes in the group or b) that there is a settled history of how these reunions work?

Also, how difficult is it really to change bookings to include another person. If there is more than just a hotel booking involved, I think you'd a better chance of wriggling out.

How about something along the lines of: I'm really sorry, but this is the annual meet up just for the seven of us and we've been doing it like this for years. Also, as it involves XYZ, it's not really possible to include an extra person now. Could you see him at another time instead?

Obviously this still carries a risk that one/both of them will still be obtuse enough to have X just turn up at the venue. But then the existing group will just have to put up with it - two possible outcomes: he's mellowed and you actually have a good time; or he's still an arse and the rest of the group find an additional community spirit in facing adversity. (There is of course outcome 3 - you actually let him wreck the event - but they can avoid this if, forewarned and forearmed, they make a conscious decision not to permit this).

VegetablePatch · 18/09/2011 12:24

Thanks for all your replies. I was a bit short with DP when he explained the problem to me...my response went along the lines of...'Grow up, it's been 20 years, what's another person to add to the itinerary' etc etc.

When I posted the question I honestly thought that everyone would say DP (aged 38) was being unreasonable. However, you've provided many more viewpoints, and, most helpfully, suggestions for how best to deal with the situation.

OP posts:

diddl · 18/09/2011 13:48

If these people meet up every year, how is it a reunion rather than just an annual meet up?

If it´s a reunion I wouldn´t expect (for want of a better word), it to be limited to the ones from the annual meet up.

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