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To be worried about house guest?

(85 Posts)
Caliphora Sat 17-Sep-11 23:52:15

Really nervous posting here - go gently on me!

A few weeks ago we offered our friend our spare room until 15th October, as she's starting a new job up here this coming week. The conditions were:

- We're not charging her rent, so she'll find it easier to save up for a deposit and rent on a place mid-October
- We will need £10 for gas, as we're on a meter and a budget, too.
- No visitors after 11pm. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and need my rest - DP is a shift worker and needs to have peace and quiet.
- No house parties. DP and I are 31, we've done the all nighters we need until the baby arrives...
- She has to help out with communal chores.

She's 22, and a lovely girl, but here are a few reasons why I'm worried:

- She's coming up here on a budget. I had to sit down with her and make that budget because "Money is so hard to figure out"... Her first week here she'll have £19 for food, tobacco and travel, so I'm worrying we'll have to feed her too (which would not be a problem if she asks us about it, but previous experience tells me it will be a last minute "Oh I'm so hungry" pity fest...)
- She is reckless with money - you'll see a theme. She is very immature with finance as she's been living off "bank of mum and dad" for years.
- Her first action when she found out she'd got the job was to arrange a party in a privately owned field opposite my house. When I asked where people would sleep and use the toilet etc, she did a "Oh, yeah, your house?". See condition 4...
- She's already lived in several houses in her current home town, and amassed various debts with her former house mates. Now, I've pre-empted this by saying "Don't worry about rent or bills" - but it still makes me a bit on edge.
- I've told her she needs to be out by 15th October, but I'm eyeing up her salary and thinking there's no way she'll get together a deposit and first month's rent from what she's earning in the first month (£6.50/hour, 40 hours - about £208/week net)

What do I do if I'm 2 weeks away from my due date (31st October) and she goes "I have no where to live, can I stay please?"
What do I do when she spends all her money and we end up having to pay for her food?

AIBU to think that I shouldn't have agreed to this, and that she's going to drive me up the walls?

SansaLannister Sat 17-Sep-11 23:55:57

You agreed to this why?

Is your name 'mug'?

Call her up and say, 'The midwife says it will be bad for my health to take this on just now, you'll need to make other arrangements.'

This person sounds immature and selfish, you aren't obligated to her.

Find some new friends who are more responsible.

LilQueenie Sat 17-Sep-11 23:56:45

you shouldnt have agreed to it.

AgentZigzag Sun 18-Sep-11 00:00:24

Sounds like you're going to have to dig your heels in and not fall for any of her flannel, she has to start taking responsibility for herself and stop thinking she can sponge off a friend whose baby's due in a few weeks.

You could keep talking as though you expect her to move out on the 31st, so she's left under no illusion of any handouts or extra time to sort herself.

She sounds very self centred, you're going to have to steel yourself against the pleading.

theredsalamander Sun 18-Sep-11 00:05:00

You are a lot kinder than I would be in a similar situation! You are about to become parents to your own child, you don't need a kidult to feel responsible for.

I think you are being incredibly kind and tolerant to this girl, but you do have to put yourself first! Maybe remind her of the rules, explain them again and again if necessary ("you have to be out by 15th, I AM HAVING A BABY AND NEED SOME SPACE!")

She is royally taking the piss out of your hospitality.

SansaLannister Sun 18-Sep-11 00:09:52

You need to start telling her now that she needs out by the 15th. Out, out, out. Your parnter needs to back you up on this and you both need to stand firm and street her if need be.

BOMBAYANDMJONICE Sun 18-Sep-11 00:12:16

Message withdrawn

nannynick Sun 18-Sep-11 00:15:17

How come she has no where to live - in the event of things not working out, can she go back to her parents home?

Very cheap bread may be needed for when she runs out of food. However I expect you will feel sorry for her and thus will give her other things (possibly to avoid her just taking things, as she might resort to going through your cupboards).

Sounds like she wants to be independent but isn't quite ready for it yet. So you are helping her by providing accommodation but you are not there to bail her out... unless it's a dire situation, in which case you probably will bail her out with some free food - though probably not expensive food. You may also point her in the direction of places she could get help such as local charities who help those in need, perhaps The Besom.

She needs to sort her own life out and whilst you are offering her accommodation for free, it is only temporary. You are giving her support as best you can, as a friend, but you are not her mum or dad, you are not a relative who can bail her out of trouble.

>AIBU to think that I shouldn't have agreed to this, and that she's going to drive me up the walls?

Well it's a nice thing to offer. Yes she probably will drive you up the wall.

Do make sure she has plans to leave... set a leaving date and help if you can to find her somewhere to go.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 18-Sep-11 00:16:04

You sound much more tolerant than you need to be. Which I mean in the best possible way, that's an admirable quality.

She is not your responsibility though. Your baby and your DP are your priorities and she is taking the mick.

I think you need to stick to your deadline and just be open and honest that you need the space for the new baby.

Caliphora Sun 18-Sep-11 00:23:21

Ah - the job is in Manchester, and her family is in Swansea - hence being nice and offering a place.

BOMBAYANDMJONICE Sun 18-Sep-11 00:24:23

Message withdrawn

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 18-Sep-11 00:29:14

OK, she's away from her family but she has other friends, eg the ones who came to the party?

I think for your own sanity and her character development and increasing responsibility for her own money, you need to be tough.

ZacharyQuack Sun 18-Sep-11 00:29:19

Isn't your MIL coming to stay with you on 16 October to help you get ready for the baby? Won't she need the spare bed? grin

Set some very clear boundaries. If she wants to socialise, she goes to the pub. If she wants to eat your food, she contributes.

You're not her mother.

She's an adult, sharing a house with other adults. You'll be going her a favour if you teach her the way it has to be, as with her low income she's likely to be housesharing rather than getting a place of her own.

Caliphora Sun 18-Sep-11 00:31:55

LOL - we set that date so the room would be free for relatives if the Sprout came early.
hm... I could tell my mother to come over from Sweden earlier...

BOMBAYANDMJONICE Sun 18-Sep-11 00:36:06

Message withdrawn

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sun 18-Sep-11 09:25:11

She is the daughter of your friends, as opposed to being your friend?

Are you mad?

You are about to have a baby and should make the most of the peace and quiet .... Instead you are going to be worried about illegal raves!

This girl seems to not give a shit about responsibility so if she is going to stay tell her she has one chance only to follow rules otherwise she is out immediately.

If her mum is your friend I think she is taking the piss by asking this of you when you are about to have a baby.

My friend had an early November baby so she did all her Christmas shopping in the month before the baby came!

Caliphora Sun 18-Sep-11 09:28:36

No, no - she's a friend of ours - just a very immature 22-year old.

TheProvincialLady Sun 18-Sep-11 09:32:37

She won't be a friend of yours after a couple of weeks of this, I guarantee.

Bartimaeus Sun 18-Sep-11 09:40:23

If you do go through with this (and I would be 100% behind you if you decided to drop out!) you really need to sit her down when she arrives and lay down the ground rules. It's not being mean, it's having open lines of communication so she knows the deal, and you won't spend the whole time seething.

I think it's very nice (too nice) of you to offer this. I'm 38 weeks and I would not have appreciated having someone over here the last 4 weeks. I'm enjoying preparing the last few things for my baby and spending time with DH, chatting about names, feeling the baby kick etc.

You also don't want the responsability of feeding another person. Some days I've felt up for cooking, other days not at all. DH can sort himself out, but I owuldn't like to feel that I had to cook for another person IYSWIM?

Personnally, I would ring her mum back and say that you're sorry but you can't help her out this time, because it's such bad timing. You may end up back and forth to the hospital for the last few weeks and the last thing you want it to worry about what will happen to your house whilst you're gone!

Bartimaeus Sun 18-Sep-11 09:43:44

x-post
I would ring your friend and explain that you can't do it right now, bad timing etc.

OpenMouthInsertFoot Sun 18-Sep-11 09:52:50

I think you're off your rocker to be doing this!

You know you won't get any money , she'll leech off you and I seriously doubt that she'll be out on the 15th, don't you? You can figure that out by looking at the pattern. She's gone from friend to friend. What makes you think she will behave any differently with you?

In your shoes, I'd say that I've been thinking about it, and it simply isn't going to work. You could even use the example of the party - you stated nobody after 11 - and she arranges a party and expects you to allow her guests to doss down at your place. Shows she's not listening. If she's not respecting the rules before she's even moved in - what hope is there that she'll respect them once her feet are under the table?

If you do this, it will end in tears and ruin friendships. She WON'T pay you, you WILL resent it, and eventually, you'll have to put her out on her arse and you will be the bad guy for doing so.

cerealqueen Sun 18-Sep-11 09:57:36

I'm with Openmouthinsertfoot. Last thing you need right now.
Good luck with baby, am due about the same time.

FetchezLaVache Sun 18-Sep-11 09:58:38

What everyone else said, of course, but just hold on a minute here... talk me through this party malarkey please- she arranged a party in a privately-owned field opposite your house??

1) Did she ask permission of the owner?
2) Who was invited to said party? Locals, or friends from home?
3) Have you made it absolutely clear that the revellers will not be using your loo or sleeping at yours?
4) Is said party still going ahead?

You're in a tough situation and you're lovely to offer this girl somewhere to stay, but I'm worried she's going to end up living in your spare room rent-free forever. I would just keep dropping it into the conversation that you're looking forward to your mum arriving on the 16th October ahead of baby coming along, and keep asking her how she's going on with finding somewhere to live. If she starts flannelling at all, just keep repeating, well, you'll have to get a move on, we need you out of here by the 15th. She knew that was the deal, so she can hardly get arsey at you for expecting her to stick to it. At the end of the day, you're already doing masses for her at considerable personal inconvenience.

LoveInAColdClimate Sun 18-Sep-11 10:00:50

I would say the midwife has said you need rest and quiet and that she will no longer be able to stay... She sounds like hell.

pigletmania Sun 18-Sep-11 10:14:51

If you knew this about her before, why on earth would you offer her to stay! I would say to her that its no longer convenient for you to stay as the doctor has said you need peace and rest and as little disruption as possible in the run up to the birth.

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