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or a bad mother?

(29 Posts)
mightusethread Sat 17-Sep-11 23:23:15

I have named changed so I can show this thread to relevant people in RL. I know all about fruitshoot hating, dog owner hating and the rest.

I am divorcing H and DS who is 3 does not know his father and has no memory of him. I have been in contact with a man who lives away for well over a year now. Chatting daily via Skype, Facebook, phone. When my divorce is through I want to start dating this man. I obviously have to look at the bigger picture and not do anything stupid that could hurt DS.

DS has a very strong relationship with my parents. We see them several times in a week and are very close. DS adores my father. He is the closest thing to a dad DS has. If I start a relationship with this man and all went well it could mean moving well away from my parents (so much so that we would only see them three to four times a year). I know this is years away and all would have to go very smoothly and we would have to be very careful about everything so as not to hurt DS, but I have to look at the big picture.

I talked to my family about this today. They do not like the idea of me dating someone who I might eventually move for and take DS away from them. They think it is not fair to DS. (possible)DP can not move. His job could not allow it. His skills are not transferable. If I date him and it turned into a serious relationship it would have to be me and DS that moved eventually.

I understand my parent's hurt and fear of the idea, but I am too emotionally involved to see if they are right that I can't take DS away from them.

Someone talk sense to me. Are they right? Or are they letting their own fears take over?

Ask any questions you need. It is hard to know what important bits I may have missed.

thisisyesterday Sat 17-Sep-11 23:27:55

i think if you have met someone you love and you want to spend the rest of your life with then it's absolutely reasonable for you to move in with him,
yes, it will be hard on your family, and yes it will be sad for your ds... but it's not like you're taking him away just for the fun of it
you'd be providing him with a new, stable home life (not saying it's not stable right now, just that it wouldn't be unstable iyswim!?) with a lovely father figure.... the possibility of siblings maybe?

you have to balance everyone's needs. you can't live alone for the rest of your life just so that ds can live really near your parents can you?

GreenEyesandNiceHam Sat 17-Sep-11 23:28:46

Sorry if I've missed it, but have you actually met this man?

CailinDana Sat 17-Sep-11 23:29:44

You are getting waaaaay ahead of yourself I think. You're only just going through a divorce, which is difficult and stressful, and you haven't spent a lot of time with this man face to face so you don't know what he's like to live with. Have you ever met in person?

If it came to it, it would be difficult to move away from your family, but you will know when that time comes whether it's the right decision or not. For the time being it's best to focus on getting your own life sorted WRT to the divorce, and enjoying developing the relationship with the new man. It may not work out or it may be brilliant, just cross the bridges when you come to them.

follyfoot Sat 17-Sep-11 23:31:48

Its all a bit irrelevant until you have actually been in a steady relationship with this person for a considerable time surely?

julezboo Sat 17-Sep-11 23:32:08

I did it! DS1 was 3 years old when i upped and moved 250 miles from everything and everyone I know to be with my then DP. We are married and have had 2 boys of our own. I am happy, my family are happy that I am happy and DH treats DS1 like his own (he calls him daddy, real dad not on the scene also!)

My mum was gutted, we used to see her everyday when it was just me n DS1. But we see each other often and speak on the phone/skype most days.

I think you need to do what YOU think is best for you and DS. Happy mummy = happy child imo smile

NeedaCostume Sat 17-Sep-11 23:32:23

I think you are jumping the gun a bit tbh. Why don't you actually go on a date and see if you click with Mr New Guy before worrying about moving your DS away from his GPs? Who knows what will happen in future? Take it one step at a time.

mightusethread Sat 17-Sep-11 23:33:38

Yes I have met him. I am obviously intending on dating him and like any relationship hoping things work out. I will keep my head screwed on throughout dating and will keep DS protected from seeing a relationship (ie, no kissing or relationship things in front of DS for a long time. possibleDP will be a friend iyswim)

julezboo Sat 17-Sep-11 23:37:55

My DS1 took it all in his stride smile They get on great now, i would even say he gets on better with DS1 than he does 2 and 3 lol

LineRunner Sat 17-Sep-11 23:39:02

How will you date him if he lives so far away?

All things being equal,in the future this guy COULD be your spouse.

So, put it to your family like this - if you weren't divorcing your DS's father and he NEEDED to move because he had a niche job, they might be a little upset, but would understand. We are talking hypothetically ATM, so HYPOTHETICALLY, you MIGHT move away at a time in the future.

You could just as easily decide that you hate the crap British weather (example) and move to the south of France, just you and DS.

I don't wish to be mean, but your parents, as young as they might be now, won't be around forever, and what if you break off a relationship with this man, and then in 6 months time, you DM/DF find out that they are terminally I'll and are gone 6 months later.

I was 22 when my DM passed away, I'd been married less than 2 weeks and was still moving into my house 2 hours drive away when my dad rang to tell us.

If this guy turns out to be the right one and the question of moving is actually a serious one, you have to balance your losses. I would say go because almost losing my DH was far worse than my mum's death as awful as that was.

TrillianAstra Sat 17-Sep-11 23:40:42

Are those the choices?

a) unreasonable
b) bad mother

What if you are being neither?

mightusethread Sat 17-Sep-11 23:40:52

I am jumping the gun. Deliberately. I have made so many mistakes in the past that now DS is here I want to make sure I have thought of everything before getting into a relationship.

Divorce is not something that I am having to 'go through'. It has been so simple and quick. Was not with H for long (one of my most stupid irresponsible mistakes) and had no joint belongings. I feel that I am settled again now, happy, content.

My question is would it be OK for me to take DS away from GPs that he is so incredibly close to for a partner? If the answer is no I wouldn't even date this man.

Sorry, to qualify my last statement, my DH was VERY ill in Aug 2009 and far closer to being gone than had even crossed my mind when he was admitted to hospital.

mightusethread Sat 17-Sep-11 23:44:30

LineRunner - He would spend a week at a go here and we would go down there for a week at a go. He would stay in a B&B while here and he would stay at a B&B and me and DS at his while down there. Or something like that.

LineRunner Sat 17-Sep-11 23:44:53

Of course you can decide to move to be in new relationship with someone you love and with whom you have a mutual lifelong commitment.

But 'dating' someone you don't know too well, and who lives a long way away, might not be the best way to avoid a similar mistake to the one you made before. Just be sure that the new man is someone you genuinely know.

TrillianAstra Sat 17-Sep-11 23:44:55

My question is would it be OK for me to take DS away from GPs that he is so incredibly close to for a partner?

Yes.

LineRunner Sat 17-Sep-11 23:47:21

ps.s. I've made some cracking mistakes myself in the past smile

troisgarcons Sat 17-Sep-11 23:48:41

I'm pondering this.

This phrase His skills are not transferable. I find that odd. Non-transferable skills. I realise there are some occupations that wouldnt be transferable, but skills? Might be difficult to relocate an Albanian goat herder, but meh! sheep, goats., we have sheep. The only 'job' I can think of where it would be difficult to transfer employers is 'armed forces'.

So flip this on it's head - could you distance yourself from your family? I'm getting the vibe this an inter-cultural relationship. And also you have a close bond with your parents.

Personally, having emigrated twice, before the age of 23 - its bloody hard being without your family. It's also shit having to try and adapt culturally.

AgentZigzag Sat 17-Sep-11 23:48:41

I don't think you're jumping the gun, it's totally normal to try to look ahead at how it might affect your DS.

Despite the relationship your DS has with his GP, you have to make the decision to move away (if it gets to that) for you and your son, and your parents will have to live with what you've chosen to do.

Of course they won't want to have less contact with you both, but you can't live your life for them.

mightusethread Sat 17-Sep-11 23:52:04

LineRunner - I am concious of that and will keep it in my mind but I think really, even if it is someone you met while shopping in town, or at a pub or anywhere really, you are in a similar position. The only men you can really know without dating and spending all your time with is someone you have known for years. Otherwise you are just hoping they are telling the truth. No? Is that bad thinking?

mightusethread Sat 17-Sep-11 23:58:40

trois grin I so admire that you tried to guess but I am afraid you are so off the mark on both things. Skills maybe isn't the right word, but he has trained for his job all his life and there is nothing else that is similar to it, but not it if you see what I mean? We are British also and not a different religion or anything like that. I would be moving to another place in Britain. I am very close with my family. They have helped me and DS so much in the last three years. I really care what they think, but on this occasion, I think they may be putting themselves and their feelings first.

troisgarcons Sun 18-Sep-11 00:08:21

I wasn't 'guessing' - I genuinly couldnt think where a skill set couldnt be transferred (ok, maybe ozzie crocodile hunter!!!)

See I'd say: the length of Britain is only 600 miles. Thats not exactly a world away. I have American friends who think nothing of driving for 9 hours for Sunday Lunch to visit their children! So unless you live at John O'Groats and he lives in Lands End - it cant be that far that you can only see your parents a couple of times a year!

springles some fairy dust and makes everything all lovely

mightusethread Sun 18-Sep-11 00:11:04

Erm, what if 'unless' actually DOES apply to me? It would take more than a 9 hour drive sad Thanks for the fairy dust though. It seems people do not think I would be in the wrong so I feel a bit happier now.

troisgarcons Sun 18-Sep-11 00:17:49

Look, your child is the important one in this.

So unless you are contemplating going to some obscure Hebridean island to go seal watching where there are no other people or no schools .... or alternatively moving from the tranquility of an equally obscure far flung light house out post and arriving slap bang in the middle of a throbbing metropolis and bunging him in a a school with 2,000 pupils there arent really too many issues.

children adapt, they cope.

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