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AIBU about DBro, Parents and GP anniversary?

(45 Posts)
Iliketothinkimnumber6 Sat 17-Sep-11 13:09:28

It's my Grandparents wedding anniversary in a few weeks for which my parents are organising a family get togther/buffet/party thing for them with family and close friends.
I have a younger brother (21) who has just 'come out'. My parents are 'aparantly' okay with it and I don't give two hoots.
However last night I was talking to my mum telling her what time we would be arriving at said party (DBro is coming with us as he is at Uni in the same city as DH and I live)
And She informed me that DBro wasn't coming as my parents after taking to grandparents and 'knowing the other guests' have decided that it would be best if DBro didn't come as guest may not agree with his 'choice'. I asked specifically about what Grandparents said (this doesn't sound like them) and she just muffled and spluttered something.
So I'm presumming this is coming from my parents and no one else.
My DBro is very upset about it all and I know feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I want to go and celebrate with my grandparents and see other family and friends, I want our young DCs to see family (grandparents haven't met youngest - 8mnth, we haven't had a chance to go down). But equally I don't want to be around people who wont accept my DBro (who I am very very close too) and don't even want him there.

I'm really stuck.
AIBU if I do go or AIBU if I dont

FabbyChic Sat 17-Sep-11 13:11:34

I'd insist he goes or you don't sorry but just because he is gay does not been he should be cast out like a leper.

Crosshair Sat 17-Sep-11 13:12:53

I wouldnt go unless he does. How awful.

squeakytoy Sat 17-Sep-11 13:14:28

YANBU and I feel very sorry for your brother too. If I were you and your brother I would go, and to hell with people and their prejudice and homophobia.. it is their problem and they can get over it, would be my view.

olderyetwider Sat 17-Sep-11 13:15:09

If your DBro is ok with it I'd take him along anyway stick with him, and leave with him if there's any unpleasantness.

cat64 Sat 17-Sep-11 13:15:22

Message withdrawn

cat64 Sat 17-Sep-11 13:15:58

Message withdrawn

metalelephant Sat 17-Sep-11 13:16:57

Absolutely YANBU!

Good for you for supporting your brother, make it clear to your parents that you won't put up with this. Could you ask them to specify exactly what was said? Then maybe you could chat with your grandparents too, but do make sure your brother is ok with you discussing it.

CMOTdibbler Sat 17-Sep-11 13:16:59

I def wouldn't be going if dbro was't being made welcome

AurraSing Sat 17-Sep-11 13:17:11

I wouldn't go if he wasn't invited. But that would upset your grandparents.
Would your brother be happy to not mention his sexuality at the party? Just for the sake of his grandparents?

troisgarcons Sat 17-Sep-11 13:17:26

'knowing the other guests' theres your answer - someone close to your family is vehemently homophobic.

I'd suggest this person was dis-invited.

Are your grandparents of the generation who would find open homosexuality a bit embarassing? Mind you I've never been anywhere when I've been introduced to someone and they've announced "I'm gay, you know!" as an opening gambit - it just doesnt crop up in conversation!

NinkyNonker Sat 17-Sep-11 13:19:15

Yanbu at all. I wouldn't go and would be horrified at my parents. Parents are meant to stand by and up for their children.

Eglu Sat 17-Sep-11 13:19:52

I agree with olderyetwider. What do your parents expect him to do at the party anyway? I'm sure he isn't planning on coming as a drag queen or something. They are being awful.

meditrina Sat 17-Sep-11 13:24:42

I agree it is likely your GPs know nothing about this, so if you want to do anything, it will mean persuading your mother out of her unreasonableness.

A family party might not be the place to come out to the rest if the family: might that be her concern? Is she worried about a fuss from others who will be there? Lets be kind, and assume she is worried about a potential fuss spoiling the party. Because if so, it could be easily assuaged if he undertakes to not mention it as this one gathering (rabbiting on about your sex life can be a bit off at parties anyhow).

But in the longer term, especially if he has a serious partner, they are all going to find out, and your mother really has little control - either of the spread of the news or other people's reaction to it. Your mother's assessment of how people might react could be wrong anyway. But it is possible to sidestep it now. Of course, if your bro is seeing this as a more personal judgement (rather than an immediate aftermath wobble), this idea might go down like a lead balloon. But you're not dealing here with an ideal world, it's an actual event and the best thing you could do would be to work out the best way to a proper long-term reconciliation, which in the short term might mean a bit of hypocrisy in the short term concerning this one gathering.

LadyMondegreen Sat 17-Sep-11 13:26:36


Well, first I suppose I would ask the brother. I presume he knows he's not invited. He might be a bit embarassed at you causing a 'fuss' IYSWIM.

But if he is ok with it, I would not go. How horrible! My sister came out when she was in her 30s and my parents are not 100% comfortable with it, but they would never exclude her.

I would argue the point with my parents until I was blue in the face. What do they think is different about your brother now? Nothing has changed.

bemybebe Sat 17-Sep-11 13:26:44

I did not get from OP, but who is inviting the guests? Parents or GPs? Can you talk to your GPs and find out if they are not prepared to welcome you DB to the party? If they are not, I would certainly not go myself, if they are then what is the fuss?

purplepidjinawoollytangle Sat 17-Sep-11 13:27:42

Is DBro going to spend the entire evening wearing leather trousers, showing off his piercings and singing Abba on the karaoke? unless of course this is normal behaviour from him before he came out

Is DBro going to go up to every single elderly family member in turn and tell them how much he likes cock?

Is DBro, in fact, going to behave any differently at this family party to any party he has attended in the past?

Your parents need some support to realise that their son is still exactly the same person he was before they found out he's gay. I don't see why it has to be made into the wider family's business - the occasion is to celebrate your GP's, and I assume your brother can be trusted to remember that?!

Eglu Sat 17-Sep-11 13:29:43

purple you said what I was trying to say but much better. I blame being postnatal. I simply can't think of words a lot of the time atm.

purplepidjinawoollytangle Sat 17-Sep-11 13:32:06

I was aiming for the polite side of sarcastic, thanks for the confirmation I got it right, eglu wink

bigfatgypsy Sat 17-Sep-11 13:33:07

Does your brother have a partner that is likely to go to the party as well? If not I really don't know what your parents are worried about. Presumably he's not exactly going to start telling stories about his sexuality is he? And does he wear outrageously camp clothes that could offend? Probably not, (well he might but I'm guessing he's more of a normal-person-who-just-happens-to-be-gay) so really what's the issue? If your parents think that everyone is going to be whispering about him and making THEM feel uncomfortable well they need to decide who is more important to them, more distant relatives and friends or their own son.

I'd have thought it would be an ideal opportunity for them to show all their family and friends how much they love their son and support him whatever his lifestyle choices.

clam Sat 17-Sep-11 13:39:36

The thing is, his sexuality is just not relevant. Or at least it's as relevant as yours is. Unless your family makes a habit of discussing your sex-lives at family do's.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain Sat 17-Sep-11 13:53:46

Are they worried it will turn into a coming out party hmm. I would want to know who exactly is more important than your db that means he can't go.

HeyYouJimmy Sat 17-Sep-11 14:14:51

Take him along and if anyone says anything, tell them that your DB's sex life is bugger all to do with anyone else but him and his partner.

HeyYouJimmy Sat 17-Sep-11 14:17:39

I wouldn't go if my DB wasn't invited to a party because of his sexuality. I'd be supporting him, besides, it doesn't sound like you'd be missing out on much anyway if that is the way people are acting.

PhilipJFry Sat 17-Sep-11 14:22:29

I personally wouldn't go to this celebration if he wasn't allowed to go. It's disgusting that he's been disinvited. Your parents need to hear that this is completely ridiculous and unacceptable behaviour, and if they won't change their minds I think it would be good to let them know exactly how you feel about it.

Sorry, but this really gets me worked up. It's terribly sad when something like this happens- he is the same person he was before, only now he is probably happier as he isn't concealing such an important part of who he is.

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