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to have said this to DH this morning as he left for work?

(72 Posts)
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Sat 17-Sep-11 08:34:15

you no longer seem like the man I married and are turning into a self obsessed middle aged twit!

He asked to me iron his shirt for him this morning (I haven't a problem with that at all), but then followed up by saying as you do it so well and never leave any creases. That was with reference to yesterday when i did one and he said he was going to do it again as there was still a crease. I couldn't see it till I looked very closely, you know sometimes you get what I call a shadow crease, so feint you can hardly see it, the residue from a really tough crease. He'd have had deeper ones from sitting in the car by the time he got to work.hmm At that point I told him he had issues about looking so pristine, maybe a tad OCD about his appearance.
TBH that spurred me on to my opening comment after his behavior last night. He was due to go out and meet 2 friends, he's known them since they all went to school together, for golf and some drinks.
About an hour and a half before he was due to go he was playing with DC's in the garden. I was doing tea, having some time out from DC's. His mum turned up to drop off some ironing that she's kindly done for us (she is lovely.) Dh forgot youngest DD (17m) was on the trampoline (with side netting of course) and came in to see his mum for a few minutes. The other DC's followed.
I suddenly realised DD3 was not with him and asked where she was, just then heard an ear splitting scream from the back garden. DD1 and I rushed out to find her in a heap on the floor next to trampoline with a bruise/graze, slight swelling on her head. She'd fallen approx 2ft but we don't know whether she toppled forward and landed head first or hit the ground in any other way and then hit her head. Some grass some paving slabs, again not sure where she hit?
She was very distressed for quite some time not even wanting her fave blueberries for at least an hour. I was in two minds wheteher or not to take her to A&E. DH said she was fine and I was overeacting. My mum was happy to come over and watch the other DC's. DH then said I suppose i should cancel tonight? A question not a statement. I knew he'd whine about missing his night out if they gave her the all clear so told him to go I'd let him know how she was later.
Mum came round and she began to perk up a bit, even giggled and DS's crazy antics and she was looking tired. We checked her eyes for any signs of obvious brain injury and they seemed fine, so i gave her her regular meds for severe reflux but not her sedative as i didn't want her too drowsy so i could keep an eye on her. (Without it she's normally awake and screaming for hours by about 1am, doctor prescribed as well.) Text DH to say this was plan.
Gave her a lovely cuddle and BF to sleep very easily, she was exhausted, could her her refluxing though, the stress seemed to have made it worse.
Within 1/2hr she was awake and crying, took her into my dark bedroom and cuddled her, but very stressy, dozing then hysterical crying in cycles. Text DH at 10pm to say was taking her back downstairs as she was very unhappy.
TBH I though at this point he might have decided to come home, he had to pick up DD1 (17) and her friend en route but they were just waiting around for him anyway, had finished their meal out and were wondering round taking photographs (A level courses.)
Called mum back round at 10.30, not sure whether to take her up to A&E again. She calmed a bit but still v unsettled. In the end I rang A&E, explained all, they eventually we agreed give her normal sedative but sleep her next to me in bedside cot rather than in own room, and keep checking her through the night.
DH eventually arrived home at 12.10. Said he'd left where they were at 10.45, dropped mate off, collected girls then come home. Timings do seem about right.
I wouldn't have gone out last night at all, but it would have been my decision based on my feelings for DC's and I wouldn't have worried about not seeing friends under these circumstances, and i certainly wouldn't have hung around another 45m when i had a long journey home if DH was struggling in this situation.

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 17-Sep-11 08:38:58

So much detail.


paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Sat 17-Sep-11 08:40:53

Sorry it's so long, didn't want to drip feed on this.blush

bamboostalks Sat 17-Sep-11 08:41:07

You need to edit that tbh.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 17-Sep-11 08:41:59

Firstly, I think you need to stop doing his ironing for him. It's okay to do this when it's appreciated, but not okay when it is expected that you will do it and criticised for not being good enough. Your husband had plenty of time to iron his own shirt - you are his wife, not his staff. Am a bit shock that his mother is doing any of your ironing tbh.

I agree with you that he shouldn't have gone out. I wouldn't have wanted to in those circumstances - I would have wanted to be with my child and I can't really understand why he didn't feel the same way (especially as it's his fault that the accident happened, really).

I think he sounds a bit spoilt and a bit too entitled tbh. Time to be less accommodating. I would go ape shit if I thought my dh would moan because he couldn't go out (because our child had had an accident).

If you are U, then so am I.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 17-Sep-11 08:43:59

Your post doesn't need editing. I managed to read it just fine. Think people should concentrate on actually answering your question. If it's too long, they don't have to read it!

RedHelenB Sat 17-Sep-11 08:44:27

Since you didnt take baby to a & e then yes you are being unreasonable.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Sat 17-Sep-11 08:45:32

Thanks Karma, already feeling pretty shitty this morning without feeling my post is too long. Lot's of things to take into account in my mind.sad

twag Sat 17-Sep-11 08:46:23

The crease thing would annoy me but your dd falling off the trampoline was an accident Yes it could have been prevented but it happened, I think you were being a little bit OTT , you checked her over and everything was fine and she wasnt sleepy so in my opinion your DH was right to go out.

I don't see the problem with the whole going out thing, he obviously wanst drinking if he picked your DD up and he didnt get home very late.

scuzy Sat 17-Sep-11 08:49:57

whats the problem?

ok he was an ass about the ironing.

accidents happen.

he did come home early.

i know youve had a rough night but that comment to dh was harsh. i know your tired annoyed at him even though it was an accident (natural) and worried about your little one.

if he said that to you it would tear you up would it not? or am i missing something here.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Sat 17-Sep-11 08:52:37

He didn't come home early Scuzy, that's quite late for him.
He's not been the kind of man who goes out all the time and certainly not one to go clubbing etc.
There are other issues, i won't go into here but I will appologise for being so harsh.

kangers Sat 17-Sep-11 08:54:26

I think you are not being unreasonable in hoping he would stay at home. But as you seem to have a slightly more traditional marriage (ironing, SAHM (?)) then I think HE has behaved quite normally- 17mo not so bad, you have it all under control. In line with many men, he will just prioritise himself if given the chance.
But I understand that YOU (and ME) would not have gone out in this circumstance.

bytheMoonlight Sat 17-Sep-11 08:55:23

He is a tit imho.

The house and the children are your responsibility in his opinion.
You are are not a team

kangers Sat 17-Sep-11 08:57:38

To say he's not the man you maried is probably true, but that emotion is caused by more than this one bad night- so YANBU

kangers Sat 17-Sep-11 08:58:45

married bad r

PattySimcox Sat 17-Sep-11 08:58:51

I guess because you didn't explicitly say "I want you to stay at home" and when you sent a text at 10 saying you were bringing her downstairs rather than "Please come home I need some support" then to his mind he probably can't understand what the fuss was about. Like you, if I was the one with a night out, I probably wouldn't have gone either.

Accidents do happen and that is what it was - it could easily have been you keeping watch and then having to go deal with another DC and DD could have fallen out.

Go gentle on yourself today, you've had a stressful and worrying night with probably very little sleep.

scuzy Sat 17-Sep-11 08:58:53

yeah i think there is more to this story. so without all the details hard to say if UABU

Proudnscary Sat 17-Sep-11 09:01:07

Your post is way too long and rambly to read properly but why any woman irons her dh's shirt is absolutely beyond me.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 17-Sep-11 09:03:50

You should apologise if deep down you think you were wrong, but not, if deep down, you think you were right. Okay, perhaps when he's heading out to work is not the ideal time to have that conversation, so you could apologise for the timing but I wouldn't apologise for the content. The ironing thing would have made me really mad. Yes, the baby falling was an accident, but he was supposed to be supervising and didn't. Then he went out and left you to deal with the fallout. Maybe I'm harsh, but I'd be cross.

I think you would do better to have a proper conversation about expectations and attitudes. You could say that you would have liked him to want to stay home and worry with you, rather than going out with his mates and leaving you to fret alone. I'd also say that you think it would be better if he did his own ironing in future. He was rude and ungrateful.

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 17-Sep-11 09:04:43

I think there's a lot more to this, but going on your OP, YABU. He asked you about going out and you said yes. And he came home and collected the girls/dropped off a mate - so (unless he is terminally stupid) he hadn't been drinking either.

You had the advice you needed, so what else could your DH have done?

Someone would have had to go out and collect the girls ^anyway.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Sat 17-Sep-11 09:35:27

Supported me when he knew I was worried and our DD can be very difficult due to her health issues and teperment.sad

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 17-Sep-11 09:46:36

Well then you shouldn't have said it was OK for him to go out!

hopefulgum Sat 17-Sep-11 09:47:41

I too would be upset if my DH had come home late. I know I would have appreciated the support after your DD had gotten hurt.

But I have a similar husband to you, and I would have had to have said,"I'd prefer you didn't go," or'"Please come home early".

I also iron for my DH when he asks, and he knows better than to complain.I don't feel like I am his "staff" because I choose to iron his shirt. He does things for me too when I ask.

I think Kangers is right, many men prioritise themselves if they can. My DH included.

So, no, YANBU, and I sympathise.

moondog Sat 17-Sep-11 09:52:12

I iron my husband's shirts regularly and willingly and am delighted to do so.
Was unaware that doing somethnig for the person you live is such a submissive act. hmm

Nagoo Sat 17-Sep-11 09:56:45

YABU he asked you if he should stay in, you said he could go out.

You need to be more assertive.

He's not a bloody mindreader.

'I'm taking her downstairs' doesn't mean 'I want you to come home now'.

YABU to have a go at him this morning.

And the ironing is neither here nor there. If he has time to re-do his shirts, he has time to iron it in the first place, so next time, look busy and tell him to do it himself.

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