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aibu to ask dh to calm down his social life?

(104 Posts)
WoodrowButNoPaddle Sat 17-Sep-11 08:14:26

I've really debated on whether or not to put this in relationships. I've decided to put it here as I really need honest opinions. don't even bother with the tampon crap this morning please.

Dh and I have been together 7 years, 1dc together (I have dc from 1st relationship) Monday to Friday he is a mostly a great partner and Dad. works, comes home spends time with dc etc. helps around the house (not as much as I think he should but thats another thread.) We have some intimacy issues but I don't think that is related to this problem.

atm I am on Maternity leave (back in work monday) and he hasn't been working much (freelance) so we have been spending loads of time together. he will be dd's primary carer when i'm back in work as his job is so flexible and mine is better paid.

the problems start when it gets to friday, he has always gone out on a Friday. Not a problem for him to go to the pub even onto a club. I go out with my own friends as much as I want to. Lately he has been staying out later and later, the last few months has been between 5am and 7am every week.

to get it out the way now, I can 100% say it's not another woman. End of. i know exactly where he he is and who he is with.

I could live with this every so often but every week? I don't think so.

we've sat down before (pre-dd) and i've told him I'm not happy with it and he has agreed to stop. He'll come home at a reasonable time for a few weeks/months but then it will all start up again.

i've tried asking him to stop, i've tried telling him to stop and i've even begged him blush.

he strolled in at 7am this morning and will now spend all day in bed. he'll get up about 7pm for an hour (just as dd goes to bed) then tomorrow will be another quiet day as he wont be 100%. so when I go back to work we will have barely any time together during the week, then friday comes and he will off to the pub asap and in bed all weekend. when is my time?

I've told him I can't do it anymore. I'm in a part time relationship. It's making me fucking miserable. I'm sick of being on my own. it's not normal is it?

yes I have friends but they have families of their own, and funnily enough they actually spend time with their dh's!

how would you react in my place?

WoodrowButNoPaddle Sat 17-Sep-11 08:17:21

i should add that yesterday before he went out, I specifically asked him to come home after the pub (end of our street) and he promised he would.

he also text me and rang me to assure me he would be home about 11.30-12 ish. no later.

ladyintheradiator Sat 17-Sep-11 08:20:51

YANBU. A night out is one thing, but writing off the entire weekend EVERY week is totally fucking NOT ON. And I'm willing to bet that intimacy issues and housework ARE actually very relevant here. It's a total lack of respect for you and for spending time together. I'd issue an ultimatum, but I'd mean it - if you won't, then don't bother.

scuzy Sat 17-Sep-11 08:21:08

firstly congrats on new baby.

is the problem that he goes out or that he is coming home at all hours?

if its the latter then your are def not be unreasonable.

you are understanding letting him have his time out and tbh he sounds like a good hands on dad.

but that is ridiculous? he must understand that its not coming in late but thathe may as well be gone until sunday morning as he stay in bed all day saturday to recover. that would make my blood boil. tell him how you feel. its not on. by all means have his night out and maybe a lie in but should be up and spending time with ye all on the weekends.

exoticfruits Sat 17-Sep-11 08:23:50

It isn't part of a normal relationship. I would give him an ultimatum. He is in a partnership-if he doesn't want it you will go it alone.

What I would do short term is make sure the DCs make a hell of a noise outside his bedroom door all day! Give them saucepans to bang!I was going to say as he comes in at 7am hand him the DD and tell him you are going out for the day but it wouldn't be responsible, unfortunately.

cleanteeth Sat 17-Sep-11 08:24:28

Is he 18?! I might be naive but I didnt realise people went out like that and slept all the next day every week when they have a family. That sort of thing is for when your young with no responsibilities IMO.
Fair enough every once in a while would be fine but every week is taking the piss. 11.30-12 is a very reasonable time to ask him to be back.

I dont know what you could do to get him to realise this but you are def not BU.

Congrats on the new baby aswell grin

froggydoo Sat 17-Sep-11 08:24:38

No its not normal and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It is also setting a dreadful example for your DC.

What does you DP say? Does he know just how out of order this is? Not to mention how selfish he is being?

scuzy Sat 17-Sep-11 08:26:38

and i know you say yoru sure there isnt another woman but where the fuck is he til that hour? is he still drinking at a house or sleeping there? i'd be annoyed at the amount of money be pissed away (literally) too.

WoodrowButNoPaddle Sat 17-Sep-11 08:28:19

I gave him another the ultimatum this morning. I just dont think he wants to change. He's got a warped sense if relationships I think. His parents has been married for years (35+) but only spend time together when on holiday. they barely speak to each other any other time.

unfortunately the older dc are away for the weekend and dd is a quiet little thing. I'm decide to start playing games with the dog though and get her barking nice and loud grin

kat2504 Sat 17-Sep-11 08:28:30

Right so he wants to spend all weekend out and then in bed while you do all the parenting? That's going to be shit for you when you are back at work and then you have to do all the home stuff at the weekend too isn't it? While he stays in bed all day Saturday. How old is he FFS?
Also he is lying to you as he promises to do something which he clearly has no intention of doing.
Plan yourself stuff with your friends on Saturday lunchtimes and then make him get his sorry arse out of bed to do the childcare, hangover or no hangover.
Most parents do not stay out until breakfast time on a weekly basis. It is something they may do very rarely. And if he is getting so drunk that he is still not recovered from Friday by Sunday then that is also ridiculous. He is supposed to be a responsible adult not a bloody student, and he has a baby to be looking after at the weekend.
He is being massively unreasonable and disrespectful to you.

poppygolucky Sat 17-Sep-11 08:28:43

YANBU

A night out should be just that, a NIGHT. Not out till the next morning then writing off his whole weekend. Sounds like he may have a problem with alcohol? All night drinking every week is not normal behaviour.

exoticfruits Sat 17-Sep-11 08:29:13

Arrange a babysitter for Friday-tell him 'lovely surprise darling-I'm able to come with you this Friday'.

kat2504 Sat 17-Sep-11 08:31:30

If he doesn't want to change then what next? What do you mean by giving him an ultimatum. He hasn't listened to you in the past as he has a habit of making promises he has no intention of keeping.
The intimacy issues are related. If he wasn't getting pissed and then sleeping it off all weekend he would be in a fitter state to have a proper relationship with you. But he has decided he doesn't want to do that.

WoodrowButNoPaddle Sat 17-Sep-11 08:31:30

cleanteeth regretfully, neither of us are 18 sad early 30's.

froggy I'm scared my dc will grow up thinking it's normal for couple to be like this.

scuzy he's usually with my brother so would not even get away with taking a look at other women (protective big bro)

GeraldineAubergine Sat 17-Sep-11 08:33:22

What is he doing till 7.00 am, most people i know couldn't physically drink till 7.00am, is he staying over (sleep

GeraldineAubergine Sat 17-Sep-11 08:34:12

Sorry that should have said sleeping at other people's
Houses. Poor you , congratulations on baby though smile

WoodrowButNoPaddle Sat 17-Sep-11 08:34:49

exotic there's no problem with me going along, they are mostly mutual friends anyway. I just can't be arsed with it all.

I don't expect him to stay in, in fact I look forward to a few hours alone when he is out and dc are in bed, but not whole weekends alone.

PopcornMouse Sat 17-Sep-11 08:35:02

YANBU. Can you do the same on Saturday nights for a while? Just go to a friends and leave him with DC for 24 hours? Maybe it would make him understand?

TheOriginalFAB Sat 17-Sep-11 08:35:13

I wonder how he would feel if you did it? Maybe you should to see. It will ram home what you have to deal with if nothing else.

PopcornMouse Sat 17-Sep-11 08:35:51

With your brother? I'd be having words with him, too, then...

kat2504 Sat 17-Sep-11 08:35:57

have a word with your brother about this too then. It is not on that this is happening and your brother should be aware that your partner has responsibilities to his family. A bit of socialising and a few drinks of a weekend is fine, but out till that hour every weekend is not. If your big brother is so protective he would not want to be a part of ruining your family life surely??
That said, it is your partner's responsibility at the end of the day and he needs to grow up.

KittyFane Sat 17-Sep-11 08:42:43

In a similar situation - DP goes out after work on a Friday and spends all day Saturday recovering... Leaving me and DD to get on with it. He often has wine on Sat.pm too leading to another 'lie in' on Sunday.
He doesn't drink in the week but at weekends he has either drunk too much or is recovering.
I resent him for this and have no advice as I don't know what to do...
All I know is that it is unbelievably selfish.

exoticfruits Sat 17-Sep-11 08:44:41

I don't know why people let them get away with the lie in-dump the DC on the bed-say here you can read a story/play the game-I'm doing the gardening etc.

ledkr Sat 17-Sep-11 08:45:04

yanbu-this is ridiculous.What are you the babysitter?Where is he until the morning?
I go out accasionally and stay in a club until 4 or 5ish cos i dont go out until late-dh will have the dc';s until about ten then i get up and we usually have a lazy day together-dvds or a nice walk and i big roast for example.I have a drink but dont feel the need to be in bed all day neither does dh
.He did stay in bed the other day after a wedding but he was really hungover which shouldnt be happening every week.He aplolgised for leaving me with the children all day too.
I dont know how you will change things tho.If you offer him an ultimatum he may stop it but be resentfull for the rest of your marriage as it wont be his decision to stop.

TeddyBare Sat 17-Sep-11 08:45:51

YANBU to be upset about not having weekends with your dh or about the lying. 7am coming back is ok if you're a student or if it's new year. Apart from that it's time he sorted his life out and grew up a bit. He has a family and he can't just have weekends off. Being great in the week does NOT buy him credits to have the weekend off. He should be being a good dad in the week and still be around at the weekend.
I think the lying about returning is a slightly separate issue. If he said he was coming back after the pub then he should have come back after the pub. Do you think he intended to come back or was he just saying that to keep you happy? If he was peer pressured into going to the club then he needs to grow up or start going out with different people.
I'm guessing he realises how much of an issue this is for you if you have talked about it before. It sounds like he's pretty inconsiderate of you in general. Time for a heart to heart I think.

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