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SAHD who doesn't do housework?

(237 Posts)
bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 16:54:49

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

Portofino Fri 16-Sep-11 17:16:05

I have actually worked from home with a 3 yo and done a full day's PAID work. Feck off can he not squeeze in a bit of housework. This is what cBeebies was invented for.

ENormaSnob Fri 16-Sep-11 17:16:13

He's on the computer most of the time?

If this were my dh I'd be telling him to get a paid job.

He's takin the piss IMO

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:16:35

Chunkypickle, if my DD was only 1 I would totally agree with you. But 3yo don't need the constant supervision any more and they are much better at 'helping' with household tasks.

Yet when my dd was 1 I was the SAHP and I still managed to whip round with the Hoover every day.

StopRainingPlease Fri 16-Sep-11 17:16:47

What's he doing while DD is watching TV? An opportunity for a clear-up surely?

porcamiseria Fri 16-Sep-11 17:17:26

thats true what southernfried tofu says

maybe have a chat, dont demand he does all but ask realistically could he

wipe floors
tidy a bit

try and understand why he does not, time or inclination

its hard

Fizzylemonade Fri 16-Sep-11 17:18:00

I think it is a matter of getting into a routine. I am a SAHM and if you do 5 mins at a time on a task you get a lot done rather than let it build up.

For example straight after breakfast in our house the dishes are cleared from the table and put into the dishwasher. It takes 2 minutes and teaches a child that this is what we do with dishes.

If they are to be washed up by hand then I would run the hot water into the sink whilst making breakfast, then I can wash up immediately afterwards. Children love "helping" to wash up, so I would let me son clean the already clean dishes at the end.

Spending a lot of time doing a task is hard with a little one but wiping over a bathroom daily takes minutes.

Some people, male or female, don't like cleaning or tidying. You either need to offer to help with things, to point out that things haven't been done or suggest you get a cleaner.

porcamiseria Fri 16-Sep-11 17:18:06

can you not even find a tenner a week for a cleaner????? just for an hour??? its worth it

in that case he needs to pull his finger out, you need to say that the place is smelling and its no fun coming home to breakfast stuff fgs draw up a weekly list of chores and discuss who does what, be reasonable but if he is at home the least he should be doing is looking after the dog, laundry, cleaning etc whilst you could do shopping clearing up after dinner just be clear that you both need to be responsible for your home but the SAHP does the bulk. nag if thats what it takes, but you have to talk soon.

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:18:12

He's playing on his iPhone or computer while she watches tv usually.

camdancer Fri 16-Sep-11 17:18:14

It depends a lot on how the work is split when you get home and also what he does all day. I'm a SAHM but was out of the house from 8:45 until after 4. I've not done much.

Actually, no it doesn't. (Sorry, thinking while typing.) He is looking after a 3 year old. He can keep things at least basically clean. She can help. My DC's love helping with cleaning. Unless he is doing some amazing stuff with your DD, then he should sort himself out and get on with it.

Do you split the chores once you are home, or does he think that you are the housework fairy and it'll all just magically get done? I absolutely don't get this "men don't do housework" crap.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 16-Sep-11 17:18:30

"He spends a lot of time on the computer and on his iPhone"

You're going to need to start a conversation.

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:18:56

Really, no money for a cleaner.

CeliaFate Fri 16-Sep-11 17:19:17

You need to discuss it as a joint problem. Say you're unhappy with the state of the house and between you work out a timetable of jobs and who does what.

PenguinArmy Fri 16-Sep-11 17:19:33

well then that's a separate issue.

we shouldn't do housework because he's not parenting, he should be spending more proper time with her says the person who's on MN

AuntieMonica Fri 16-Sep-11 17:19:50

if your DS is 3yrs old, is he entitled to some free hours at a nursery now?

you could suggest this as a way to 'free up' some time for DH to run the vacuum about and do he dishes

but i agree, if this was a thread about a woman at home, there would be a lot of very different posts

evn more so then as he is hardly looking after her if he plonks her in front of the TV all day while he does his own thing! what about looking for a nursery place a day a week so she gets to do something else and he has time to drag himself off the pc do housework

Bootcamp Fri 16-Sep-11 17:21:32

Yabu. Sorry but sahp job is your child. Imvho if you want housework done to certain standard, perhaps swop roles. I don't think getting a cleaner will make much difference unless they come in everyday and do washing up, laundry etc.

Bootcamp Fri 16-Sep-11 17:22:03

Yanbu re the dog.

AuntieMonica Fri 16-Sep-11 17:22:21

apols to OP's DD blush not DS

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 17:22:58

You're going to need to start a conversation.

Why because a SAHP spends time online?? Um I hate to mention it to you but um.. mumsnet would implode if all the SAHP's had to gt off the internet

Maisiethemorningsidecat Fri 16-Sep-11 17:24:39


No child of 3 needs constant stimulation/attention, and if he's at home then it's his job to keep the place tidy. Very easy to fit that in a whole day.

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:24:48

I clean at weekends and holidays and he lets me do it. If I bang about enough he sometimes stands helplessly and says "what do you want me to do?" or I say something like "the house is filthy, do you want to do the bathroom or the bedrooms?" and then he will do it. But not when I'm not here.

AbbyAbsinthe Fri 16-Sep-11 17:24:56

SouthernFriedTofu - she's hardly expecting him to be her cleaner! They all live in the house...

Why should she come home to a shithole when he's been playing computer games half the day?

Whoever is the SAHP should do the lion's share of the housework, that's just how it is, regardless of gender.

I have some experience of this - I am currently getting divorced as a result....

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 17:25:10

As I've told dh if I had a 5 year old in school every day I'd probably have some tidying done. But at the moment dd wants to be sitting on me or touching me at all times during the day... fine for faffing on the internet but I really have a hard time cleaning or she cries non stop

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 17:27:02


I said she shoudl expect him to clean the mess he has made (so whatever he has done he should tidy), but he doesn't have to be on his knees scrubbing all day too. Btw your post implies you are divorcing your husband for not cleaning enough.

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