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To think my sis is being too much of a soft touch

(25 Posts)
mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:26:17

Sis split up with her exH a few years ago. Sis works full time and so does her DD who's now 19.

Sis had to leave the house and rent. Her rent is £1,000 per week.

She has now moved her boyfriend in after 6 months. On the phone last night she said she managed to "broach" the subject of home finances (which I feel should have been discussed beforehand) and it has been agreed that he would pay her £100 per week. I tried not be be a judgey cow to point out in a nice way that £100 per week was was barely a third of the rent let alone bills, food etc.

BF works by the way but is just going through a divorce, he also has 2 DC's but still!

Am I being unreasonable to think this just is not enough?

<sits here in full body armour awaiting comments>

Don't be gentle, I'm used to MN now smile

acatcalledfelix Fri 16-Sep-11 15:27:58

Do you mean £1000 a month?

NinkyNonker Fri 16-Sep-11 15:29:19

Is that £100 all in? Bills, food etc? Would be pretty reasonable if it were just rent and he then chipped in for everything else as well.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:29:31

OOPS sorry yes, at work and keep getting distracted, grrrr.

StrandedBear Fri 16-Sep-11 15:29:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:30:23

No Ninky that is all in.

StrandedBear Fri 16-Sep-11 15:30:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:34:08

Right, Ive got us all in a bit of a mess here. Sis' rent is £1,000 per month and her BF is paying £400 per month for everything.

Sorry, hope that's clearer now.

NinkyNonker Fri 16-Sep-11 15:35:33

Right, well that isn't enough then. Unless they have discussed it and it is a joint decision while he is getting sorted or something, but pretty quick after 6mo.

DoMeDon Fri 16-Sep-11 15:37:37

Are all her bills included in her rent?

YANBU - on the face of it. Unless there are reasons like him in very low paid job and her in high flying one.

HannahZ Fri 16-Sep-11 15:42:33

When my (now-ex)H first moved in with me, he paid nothing towards mortgage or bills, and rarely bought food. He earned much less than me and I just wasn't concerned about him paying his way. Never was, in fact. And while he is now my ex, the split had nothing to do with money.

Is your sis happy with the arrangements? If this is leaving her struggling (or him with much more disposable income) then it's not fair, but there are many reasons why it might work for them.

Atropos Fri 16-Sep-11 15:47:48

Your sister is a grown-up. Part of being a grown-up is that you make choices. Sometimes, you make wrong choices. It is not you business, until she asks you to make it your business. Sounds like crap to me, but it's not my business either.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:51:25

Yes, Hannah I can totally see your point but she is struggling. £1,000 is rent alone, CTax etc. is extra.

She is now getting a new car on finance too.

BF is an Electrician so has a good income, he can also do privates at weekends. Sis is a teacher.

My point is he would have to pay £100 for just a dingy room if he was going it alone.

I feel it is all too soon. Her last BF was a total sponger and left her in financial traits for 2 years.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:53:03

Yes Atropos I do know its not my business, never said it was so ner! But I had to help bail her out last time (and was very happy to do so)

SnakeOnCrack Fri 16-Sep-11 15:53:21

What was the reason for not splitting it 50/50?

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:53:48


mousesma Fri 16-Sep-11 15:54:05

YABNU to be concerned but she is an adult and unfortunately has to be allowed to make her own decisions however silly.

mousesma Fri 16-Sep-11 15:55:09

ah x-post and it is another matter if his lack on contribution means you are going to end up bailing your sister out.

ENormaSnob Fri 16-Sep-11 15:55:39

Should he be paying 1/2 or 1/3 of overall costs?

What is dneice paying?

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 15:56:26

Thats what Im thinking Snake, even if it's a third due to her daughter being there, that's fairer. If they moved into a place together, not him moving in with her, I'm sure if he said, "right then, i'll pay £400 per month and you pay the rest" she may feel a bit differently.

This is NOT her property at the end of the day and she will have no finiancial gain at the end of it.

DoMeDon Fri 16-Sep-11 15:57:14

it does sound she may have difficulties setting boundaries financially. Have you explained your concerns and reasoning to her? One of my friends was so relieved to finally bag a bloke she put up with being royally mugged off financially - very sad- she didn;t want to rock the boat by making it fair - no way to live. He did eventually show his true self when he rocked off with a 19 year old though angry

corygal Fri 16-Sep-11 16:02:08

YANBU. He isn't paying a fair share - which would be £500 plus a bit of food and bills. But what sounds like it's worrying you most is that yr sis' new BF is a user. Which could become an emotional user as well as a cash sponge.

I really wish I didn't think this, but you're right to be worried. About both. Decent men don't use people financially, especially women.

In the hope of being decently treated, a lot of women get conned by the line, often unspoken, of 'Sure, we'll be equal partners - but only if you put in more' relationship.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 16:07:16

Think you've hit the nail right on the head both DoMeDon and corygal.

I tried to point things out on the phone last night but she got all huffy so left it.

Oh well, will keep my mouth firmly shut at the moment and watch like a hawk observe.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 16:09:19

Not sure what neice is paying (not enough though is my bet) that's why I thought 1/3 would be fair.

mumsamilitant Fri 16-Sep-11 16:11:57

The reason she hasn't asked for more is due to him going though a divorce at the mo. Maybe viable? But his ex works full time and kids are 15, so no childcare involved. She's keeping the house.

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