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to feel I have totally failed as an un step "parent" and wonder where I go from here.

(32 Posts)
whereismysanity Thu 15-Sep-11 22:52:53

I have posted here before under other names about DSS will try to keep this as brief and as unpersonal as possible.

OH has 3 DC's who live at opposite ends of the country. OH is in Navy away for long periods with no communication. I have my own DC's.

DSS is 15 (only child to his mum so brought up as an only child) came to stay in the school holidays for a few weeks (he asked to) and I posted about him having loads of money and really flashing the cash around my kids). His dad has been away for nearly 4 months with no contact. He had a really lovely time here and I went to a lot of effort to make him feel like part of the family even though his dad wasn't here, took days off work to go on days out etc etc. We had a few behaviour "issues" which I felt I dealt with firmly and without any conflict.

Also posted about DSS mum offering to pay for half his flight (I paid) and never recieving the money from her. Was a bit shocked when posters suggested that he may have kept the money (£100 roughly) which left me in a bit of a dodgy situation financially towards the end of the month (esp when I had to take the cat to vets in emergency).

Turns out DSS has stolen the money (this is a fact - do not want to go into how I know). His mum gave it to him to give me and he gave me £20 "from his mum towards his food and that" and he kept £80. I haven't told his mum yet - am going to tell OH when he gets home and let him deal with it - DSS doesn't know that I know.

I feel quite devastated TBH. His dad is due back soon and I feel so awful that I am going to have to tell him what DSS has done. I feel so dissapointed and hurt and worried about being okay with him and still treating him like a family member when I see him again. I am worried where his head is at to do this to me (and my DC's), but also feel so angry and let down and almost like I will never get back (what I thought was) a really great relationship.

I love him but right now I really don't like him and feel all over the place about how I want our relationship to progress and angry with him for doing this (how did he not think he would be found out?!) as his dad will be so dissapointed too.

If you got through that then thanks smile

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 22:55:51

I think you have to tell the boy you don't trust him anymore, trust has to be earned, it shouldn't ever just be a given.

He has taken the piss out of you, he doesn't care about you only what you can DO for him.

Time for you to wise up and realise this boy is a piss taker. You seem to feel sorry for him when he cares fuck all for you.

RedOnion Thu 15-Sep-11 22:59:01

First time ever, but...what Fabby said.

RedOnion Thu 15-Sep-11 22:59:52

The lentil weaving liberals will be along soon to slate you but I think Fabby has succintly nailed it to be honest.

SouthernFriedTofu Thu 15-Sep-11 23:01:01

I'd call his mum deal with her directly. She seems nice enough if she asked her son to give you money for his keep

whereismysanity Thu 15-Sep-11 23:03:15

Hmm not a Fabby fan and wouldn't have phrased it as harshly - but actually maybe you have a point.

Beamur Thu 15-Sep-11 23:03:39

He probably thought he wouldn't get found out.
I think you and you're DH do need to challenge him on this - it is doubly disappointing for you though. I'd want his Mum to know too.

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 15-Sep-11 23:04:34

Disagree that he doesn't care for you at all. I really wouldn't suggest that you start thinking like that of him because your relationship will definitely deteriorate and that might cause problems between you and OH.

My DD is lightfingered sad and even, to my shame, stole over £60 from my DM recently even when it was obvious that it was her and couldn't have been anyone else.

I think teenagers sometimes don't even know themselves what is going through their head.

I would speak to your OH about him and then speak to DSS and tell him that you don't trust him any more and ask him why he did it. I think you have to speak to DSS, and not OH, as he wasn't there.

I know that it's really hard to get over this kind of thing. You will have to lock all your cash away any time that he visits in future, which is a horrible thing to have to do, I know from experience.

I wish you good luck. I don't think he's what FabbyChic says at all. I think there's one side of him that had a really good time with you all and enjoyed himself and there's another side that can't stop taking stuff.

yodafogey Thu 15-Sep-11 23:07:51

He's only fifteen and as my 18yr old DD says, " 14, 15 years old is like the most selfish time of one's life". So we expect that he'll regret this later on in life and be embarrassed should you bring it up too often. However we believe that explaining to him with the help of OH, exactly what he has done and the consequences of his behavioour, would possibly help him to realise the effect of his actions (he's obviously not stupid as he's managed to swindle you out a great deal of dough).

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 23:09:57

I phrased it like that because you feel guilty for not liking him much at the moment, but your reaction is understandable, you can love someone and not actually like them.

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 23:10:41

Thieving specially from your own family shows a total lack of disrespect, it shows they actually couldn't give a monkeys about you.

Sorry but it does

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 23:11:43

Oh and knicking 80 quid is not light fingered. A fiver is light fingered, 80 fucking quid is not light

squeakytoy Thu 15-Sep-11 23:13:23

You havent failed.. and I expect when his mum finds out, she will feel even more as if she has failed.. but she hasnt either.

Many teens can be devious about money, moreso to those closest to them than anyone else, probably because they think if they do get caught, the punishment is not likely to be as harsh..

I also think, if you have had parental control for him without your husband there, you need to be in a position to be able to speak freely with his mother too, and it would be better to get it dealt with as soon as possible between you and his mum, and let her decide the punishment.

PuspornInBoots Thu 15-Sep-11 23:13:45

He probably didn't think at all past the "OOO money!" and maybe some vague "oh it's mum's money, it'll be ok, it's not a big deal" type thoughts. He wouldn't have deliberately done it to be hurtful or even dishonest, just totally, utterly selfish and self centred The World Revolves Around ME typical teenager. It doesn't make it right, but maybe it makes it less "personal" so to speak if you can think of it as a lack of judgement and thought, rather than a spiteful or "criminal" thing :-S
Kids often do something without any thought for the consequences and it brings to mind the old "it's easier to get forgiveness than permission" line...
It's easy for me to say but his mum probably should have sent/bank transferred to you direct, but she probably never thought he would be so daft as to help himself! Hopefully he will learn a lesson from the fallout when his dad and mum find out.

larks35 Thu 15-Sep-11 23:14:57

I think that many 15 yo on a holiday with a step family they don't know are likely to behave in that way. I don't think the lad is bad but I certainly think you should let him know that you are aware of his duplicity (for want of a better word). TBH I think his mum was more than a little over-trusting to give him the cash and not send you a cheque instead.

This is about you and your relationship with your dss so don't necessarily leave it up to your DH to sort. Maybe write him a letter explaining how you feel about it, including how much you enjoyed his company etc.

whereismysanity Thu 15-Sep-11 23:15:54

The amount did upset me tbh, there is a difference between a fiver and £80 sad, and in hindsight the way he went about buying himself loads of stuff in front of my DC's (who get money but earn abd appreciate it), was upsetting in itself before I knew it was my money hmm.

Migsy1 Thu 15-Sep-11 23:16:12

He is old enough to know what he did was wrong. You are not being unreasonable. He has treated both you and his mother very badly. Your DS needs to speak to his mother and him about it straight away. I think you should also speak to him and ask him why he thought that he should deprive you of your money and ask him if he thinks you would like him to come and stay again.

Migsy1 Thu 15-Sep-11 23:16:44

I mean your DH needs to speak to his mother.

Doodlez Thu 15-Sep-11 23:19:24

I stole money from my Dad when I was that age.

I loved my Dad more than life itself.

My actions were selfish, not thought through and not a day goes by when I don't cringe about it, even now and I'm 44!

Please don't take the stand that he cares nothing for you, only for himself...it's not that cut and dried.

squeakytoy Thu 15-Sep-11 23:19:29

It could also be that this behaviour stems from insecurity. He perhaps felt that he wanted to "big" himself up in front of your children, who he may be a bit jealous of. His mum didnt give him much spending money, so he looked on this as an opportunity to help himself. It is not good behaviour, but it may be explainable in a way.

yodafogey Thu 15-Sep-11 23:19:30

larks, I agree with your comment especially like the letter idea.

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 23:20:45

Sorry this happened to you.

It's not nice at all.

You should tell him how disappointed you are and that you expect him to pay you back for stealing from you. When he visits make him clean neighbours cars for money and he can use that to pay you.

TidyDancer Thu 15-Sep-11 23:22:09

Oh, I remember your previous thread, that is a truly sad outcome.

You could approach his mother, you could wait for DH to return, you could approach DSS on your own, none of the ways are actually wrong. Personally though, I wouldn't wait until DH is back, these things are usually best dealt with as they happen, rather than sitting on your feelings for a long time, good way to breed resentment, etc.

whereismysanity Thu 15-Sep-11 23:23:36

Hmm letter is a good idea. We don't see him that often as he lives a long way away so it will be a while before I see him face to face again. OH is home in the next few days so think I will talk to him rather than DSS mum as she had no contact with me at all before, during or after the two weeks he was here. That and his dads job may have a lot to do with his behaviour but does not excuse it.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 15-Sep-11 23:25:35

IMO lies and theft are best dealt with as soon as they're discovered, and I don't think it would be fair to put this matter on ice and land it on your oh as soon as he returns from duty.

This young man needs to know asap that he's been caught out, and you owe it to his mum to let her know what he's done. It will then be up to her to discover why he found it necessary to lie and steal, impose an appropriate penalty, and tell encourage him to make a suitable apology to you.

Of course you don't like him much at the moment. Liars and thieves are not likeable and I hope you'll make that clear to him when you next speak.

He also needs to be made aware that he has seriously blotted his copybook with you and that, although you care for him very much, it's going to take a considerable period of time before you feel that you can trust him again.

I recall your earlier posts when the lad was staying with you, and it was apparent that he has some behaviour problems that need to be addressed. His mum is best placed to get him appropriate help to resolve his issues which, I suspect, may be rooted in jealousy of your, and your dcs, relationship with his father.

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