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To tell exp that he can now only see dd on weekends as agreed in court order....

(107 Posts)
naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 15-Sep-11 18:46:32

The court order says that exp should have dd for one day per week saturday or sunday, which he agreed to.

That was a year ago. In that year he has seen dd very few times on the weekend certainly less then 10 possibly even lees then 5 days on the weekends. He does shift work and sometimes collects dd from childminder at 11 on his way back from a sleep in, as it seems to me he wants to keep his weekends free for himself. And if he has a day off in the week sometimes has dd.

He lets her down alot and makes promises that he doesnt keep. I feel that he sees dd when it suits him and is not committed. Then he is getting angery with me because I want him to be consistant.

DD has just started reception and I have told him that we now need to stick to the court order and he can see dd on the weekend. I also said if he wants he can have her for a sleepover on friday or saturday nights. To which he replied 'I am not your babysitter'. And has told me in the past he 'has a life' when I have asked him to see dd on weekends.

DD is only 4 and gets very tired after school and I really want to try to get her into a good routine. Also I would like to sometimes have time to myself on the weekends just as exp does so that I can do somethings I need to do like go to the gym etc.

So am I being unreasonable to say he cannot see her during the week?

CardyMow Thu 15-Sep-11 18:48:37

Nope. Follow the Court order, if he doesn't like it, he can go back to court. Not saying refuse ALL contact, just stick to the court order. Your DD NEEDS consistency now she is at school. Any family law judge would accept that.

Flisspaps Thu 15-Sep-11 18:53:56

YANBU. Now that she's at school she's going to be better off with a fixed routine, and if that means sticking to the Court order, so be it. I would make allowances for perhaps special occasions (such as her birthday) but otherwise, until she's older, weekends seems fair.

griphook Thu 15-Sep-11 18:56:56

yanbu, unless he works all weekend which would make it difficult, if not stick to court order

MissPricklePants Thu 15-Sep-11 18:59:48

yanbu, stick to the court order.

BarbarianMum Thu 15-Sep-11 19:01:57

YANBU wrt. term time but a bit of flexibility in the school holidays would not be unreasonable.

Gonzo33 Thu 15-Sep-11 19:06:09

Yanbu stick to the order, if he doesn't it is his problem

Mitmoo Thu 15-Sep-11 19:13:53

How did it get to a court case if he's a decent father and there is no risk to the child? I would just like a little background before I'd advice anything.

It's hard to advise without knowing what went before, on the face of it I'd says stick to the order.

I'd also say make a note of every date that he made it, he missed, when he called, when he kept promises and when he didn't

Most of all as yourself before you do anything "what's best for my child" and let that be the guide.

Mitmoo Thu 15-Sep-11 19:14:43

as ask doh

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 15-Sep-11 19:16:04

thank you all for your comments, I really didnt think I was being unreasonable, but he has started saying I am hurting dd etc by doing this.

I have looked at his rota that he sent it, it is for a 6week period and during that time his weekends are as follows:

2 whole weekends off
1 sat off
1 sun off

= 4 weekends out of 6 he can see dd no problems

1 weekend finishs work at 4 sat and sun so could possibly see dd for a few hours sat evening

1 weekend looks impossible.

But normally ex p would not see dd everyweek anyway and sometimes doesnt see her for 3-4weeks at a time as he gets annoyed with me and cant be arse ( I think he feels if he lets dd down he will be punishing me).

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 19:18:16

Its not possible for him to have her during the week if she is at school unless he picks her up from school and has her overnight and then takes her to school the next morning.

Its really not fair on your child for him to demand to see her during the week as she will have homework and like you say needs routine for school days.

Stick to your guns, its the weekend or nothing.

slavetofilofax Thu 15-Sep-11 19:20:35

I'd stick to the court oder on the weekends that he's not working, and allow him to pick her up and take her out for dinner once during the week only on the weeks wher he can't see her Saturday and Sunday.

He is the one hurting his dd by messing around. You know that rationally but hearing him say you're hurting her is still going to hurt you. Unfortunately it sounds like a common trick, they know how to stick the knife where it hurts. Don't fall for it.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 15-Sep-11 19:22:36

Message withdrawn

Mitmoo Thu 15-Sep-11 19:22:42

naughty did he take you to court to get the order?

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 15-Sep-11 19:22:51

mitmoo - we went to court as I had stopped contact between exp and dd in the past and he wanted a court order so that that would not happen again.

I stopped the contact because he smashed my door in when I told him i was taking dd on holiday without him. and he did not not see dd for 9months. Untill i finally gave in and let him see her (without a court out at that stage).

also as for being a decent father, I'm not sure if i would totally agree. In the past year he has given maintence money 3 time @ £150 per month. other then that does not pay maintence in order to try to use that as control over me. (if i take dd on holiday or dont do something he wants me to do he uses it as an excuse not to give maintence money)

also is there any point in keeping notes of when he lets dd down? As i have heard once before that the court order only means i have to make dd available for contact and not that he has to have her.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 15-Sep-11 19:24:13

Message withdrawn

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 15-Sep-11 19:25:45

Message withdrawn

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 15-Sep-11 19:30:07

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 15-Sep-11 19:22:36
Yabu and if he goes back to court he will get mid week and weekend contact - this has to be considered in context of mid weeks seem to have been happening and he works on weekends.

He is right dd will suffer, ds used to stay

He very rarely sees dd on the weekend. if he had regular contact on the weekend and then wanted to see her in the week sometimes that would be fine, but he is so inconistant and never actually makes a day on the weekend to see my dd.

when he sees her for 2-3 hours in the week she comes home and i can tell it was not enough time with her dad espically last week when she had not seen him for 3 weeks before that. including the week that he said he booked off to spend tues, weds and thurs with dd. but dd was ill and didnt want to go to his house on tues, so i told him i will drop her down on weds instead and she can stay over until thurs, to which he replied, fine if she doesnt want to see me i will make other plans. then when i told him to grow up, that she was only little and didnt feel well enough then he ignored my texts and calls.

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 15-Sep-11 19:33:05

mjhas left - can you expand on why we sound as bad as each other? In your opinion!

Mitmoo Thu 15-Sep-11 19:33:19

Naughty I've stopped contact too, and had an indirect contact order only in the past when it was necessary, so just trying to get a feel for how the ex is.

How awful for you and your child you seem reasonable to "allow" contact without an order after he kicked your door in. I don't mean a decent father as in the financial sense, but as in the emotional/care sense. Though a father who kicks their mum's door in is a failure of as ex and a father on that occasion.

Yes there is a lot of point in keeping notes. If he comes back to try to get the order to include weekdays which would be a reasonable request to a court, you could demonstrate that he hasn't kept to the contact order he has already and the disruption to your daughter's life while waiting in for no shows would be unfair on your daughter who could be doing other things but waiting in for a father who doesn't turn up.

From what you've posted this far he sounds controlling, wants the order so that he can maintain control of you and your daughter but doesn't actually want to stick to the order, while expecting you to. If I could only see my son one day I week I'd walk over hot coals to be there.

ChippingIn Thu 15-Sep-11 19:38:58

He sounds like a pretty 'feckless father' - but I presume your DD loves him and enjoys seeing him, so I'd let him pick her up after school, have tea with her if he brings her home at a decent time - for her sake - not his.

Were you concerned he would hurt DD? If not - why did you stop contact? If you were, what's changed that you feel he's no longer a threat?

Maintenance - CSA??

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 15-Sep-11 19:41:48

mitmoo - i completly agree with you, i do feel he is controlling, but he says i am the one who is controlling, i only want to control my life and my dd's. I dont like him having control over dd's life as i feel that he only wants that in order to control me, as when i do offer him responsibily for dd and as much contact as he wants he never takes it.

Mitmoo Thu 15-Sep-11 19:47:00

Maintenance and contact are not linked. A family court will not consider whether maintenance is paid or not it's irrelevant.

It's difficult to be reasonable when there is a court order in place chippin You also have to anticipate your exes next move. Family courts are set up to be adversarial which means solicitors represent their clients wishes and although the best interest of the child should be paramount, that's rarely the outcome.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 15-Sep-11 19:48:07

Message withdrawn

Mitmoo Thu 15-Sep-11 20:03:42

He's taken you to court naughty he's agreed to one day on a weekend, he's got the control if he was happy with that order. You say you want control of your life, you don't get that once you have a child as that means negotiating until the child can make decisions for themselves with their other parent. Same as controlling daughter's life, she is from two parents not one.

You have to remember it's the child's right to have two parents in their lives (unless one is a danger to them then the gloves are off)

BUT

that doesn't mean that he should get court orders and not turn up. IF you fight for a court order, that should mean that you care so much for your child you would cherish every second you have with that child. He's not, he's got the order but doesn't want to turn up for a good percentage of the time.

Someone should have told him that if he wants to get a court to order every Saturday or whatever, that also means he has no right to see the child Sunday to Friday.

If you give him overnights voluntarily, he could easily ask for that to be included in the order, as you've "allowed" it that would be written into the order in all likelihood. You set precendents so being reasonable and flexible can be abused by the other party, you need legal advice before going outside of the court order unless you are certain he won't try to use it to gain leverage in the court for future hearings.

There are no guarantees in the family courts, not even in the same area, during my years in the family court as the respondent, we learned which judges would be sympathetic to DV and which ones wouldn't give a shit, which ones would care about the children which ones didn't and same for CAFCASS. The family court solicitors support whoever they represent.

So much of what happens depends so much on the CAFCASS officer you get as well.

Anyhow I digress, right now I'd record everything, including the no shows and how your daughter has been upset by that. Forget yourself, think only of your daughter, courts don't care about you but they should care about the daughter.

Be very wary about giving more than what is ordered particularly with a chld who is so young, I went outside of the order when the child was older but only after I was certain that the ex thought the family courts were as useless, incompetent and messed up as I thought they were. They only thing we agreed on in years.

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