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AIBU to give money I owe my son direct to his stepmum who he owes money too?

(29 Posts)
creamola Thu 15-Sep-11 16:51:10

DS1 (18) went to his dad & stepmums last night to pick up their spare hoover & brought it back in a taxi because mine had blown up & they offered me their spare one

Taxi cost £15.

He paid for the taxi so now I owe him £15

He has just left to see his girlfriend and hasn't eaten that well today (staying in bed until 2pm ....uni day off) so I said I'll order a pizza to get delivered to you and girlfriend (who is in halls of residence) if you want with some of the money I owe you.

He said No, I owe stepmum £200 so that £15 will go to her. I said 'no problem' I'll just give it directly to Stepmum then.

He went a bit 'stroppy' and wants me to give him the £15 and not stepmum and said 'I will hate you if give it directly to her'

I think he will end up spending it so would I be unreasonable to ignore his request and just give it direct to his Stepmum???

parentfailure Thu 15-Sep-11 16:53:43

I think you are spot on giving it to his step mum.

woowoo2 Thu 15-Sep-11 16:53:58

YABU. He is an adult, let him handle his own financial ffairs

aldiwhore Thu 15-Sep-11 16:54:22

YWBU... he's legally an adult, you pay him what you owe him and let him pay those he owes himself.

I can understand the temptation to pay his SM direct, but it would be wrong of you to do so.

parentfailure Thu 15-Sep-11 16:54:55

Oh, but I'd probably order him a pizza anyway <<<soft touch and no experience of teenageers>>> grin

AMumInScotland Thu 15-Sep-11 17:01:22

If you owe it to him, then you give it to him. What's between him and his stepmum is up to them to sort out. He's an adult now, so you have to treat him like one. You wouldn't do that to anyone else, would you?

creamola Thu 15-Sep-11 17:19:01

I would MuminScotland .....if I borrowed £10 of someone and they owed £10 to someone else, and I knew about it, I would probably give it direct to the person who is, at the end of the chain, due the money.

@parentfailure ...I imagine I will be ordering a pizza regardless come 7pm if they still haven't eaten.

The thing is, if you even borrow so much as 50p from him he is all over you like a rash to recoup it . He hounded me endless last week for 20p (the things I'd ask him to pick up came to 20p more than the money I'd given him)

I don't want to upset him but on the otherhand I think he needs to learn repaying debt is important.

I know he's an adult but he's only just left school and the last two months is the first time he has actually earned his own money

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Sep-11 17:30:38

I don't think of 18 as an adult tbh. I think at that age they are still in the process of growing up. I do think part of that process is learning how to manage your own money. So I would return his £15 and let him come to an arrangement with his step mother.

I think he sounds a bit tight tbh - hounding you for 20p is not on imo and I'd be tempted to invoice him for all the things you do for him. I'm not saying you'd push for payment, but seeing on paper how much he would 'owe' if he had to pay for things might make him appreciate what a good life he has. I wouldn't stand for stinginess in one of my dc.

itisnearlysummer Thu 15-Sep-11 17:32:59

3 of you in a room. You hand it to him, he hands it directly to her.

Would that work?

If you give it straight to SM he doesn't have the experience of being in possession of the money and then handing it over. It has just happened.

BluddyMoFo Thu 15-Sep-11 17:35:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Sep-11 17:36:40

I wouldn't pay for the pizza tbh. He won't starve and he won't learn anything if you are always generous but let him get away with being stingy towards you.

creamola Thu 15-Sep-11 18:09:24

karmabeliever but he is still my baby blush he needs food shock

I think this is a difficult time because he his going from being a teen into adulthood and it's difficult to know what is the best course of action iynwim

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 18:34:18

He is 18 he is responsibile for his debts and you are responsible for yours. You pay him back, not his stepmum.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Sep-11 19:03:21

Yes, he is your baby and always will be. No one needs take away pizza though. I feel the same way about my own, but I wouldn't let them get away with demanding 20p from me that I 'owed' them. Did he eat/use any of the shopping that you paid for? Because if one of mine had said that, they'd get a bill (just to make a point, not with a view to them paying it).

Part of helping them make the transition to adulthood is teaching them what is good behaviour. View it as helping his future relationships - women do find tight men attractive, so you are doing him a huge favour to get him out of this way of thinking now.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 15-Sep-11 20:07:14

Jeez. My Mother had NO idea what I had and had not eaten with my boyfriend when I was 18. You'll do him no favours ordering pizza for them.

Give him his 15 quid and let him sort out his own debts....he's a man!

BarbarianMum Thu 15-Sep-11 20:17:30

Agree with Mumbling... He is a man, please treat him like one (if you wait til he acts like one it may never happen).

Anyway, he told you his intention was to pay his stepmum with the money so it seem a a bit rude to assume he's lying.

PS. You sound very caring so I bet over the years you've given him the skills to make himself a sandwich wink

Andrewofgg Thu 15-Sep-11 21:48:27

Pay him. You owe him. Not her. You don't owe her. He's a man. Not a boy.

Inertia Thu 15-Sep-11 22:10:03

Give him the money- your debt is to him. I'd be inclined to let his stepmum know that you've reimbursed him though, in case she is avoiding asking him for the money owed to her because she thinks he's still out of pocket.

Let him and his girlfriend organise their own dinner. If he hasn't eaten much because he spent most of the day in bed, that's his lookout. It's not hard to buy fruit/ make a sandwich/ cook some pasta and sauce- he is 18, not a small boy!

sunshinelifeisgood Thu 15-Sep-11 22:59:30

pay back you son he is a adult, let him sort his own debts out simple and sorted smile

sunshinelifeisgood Thu 15-Sep-11 22:59:57

"your" not you oops

creamola Thu 15-Sep-11 23:00:07

I know interia but do you ever stop worrying about your kid eating enough?

My mum used to try and make me eat a bannana ever time i went to her's and I was 30 ??

She (stepmum) is not avoiding asking him for the money ......she's quite upfront about it ...but it has in turn made him a bit reluctant to go down and see his dad and stepmum of late

Being 18 doesn't make you suddenly 'know' everything though

Inertia Thu 15-Sep-11 23:43:13

I know that you don't know everything at 18- but the rudiments of preparing your own snack ought to be do-able for a university student. Having said that, my grandmother always used to send me back with a bag of food after we'd visited- I think she didn't believe we had shops in the north smile

I do think the money issue is something that your son needs to learn to handle for himself- learning to juggle finances and prioritise debts and expenditure is an important skill to develop.

fit2drop Thu 15-Sep-11 23:58:09

He may be "your baby" but he is NOT a baby. He is a grown man.

Even thinking of ordering him food because he chose to lay in bed till 2pm is ridiculous.
Is he incapable of feeding himself ?

You are right being 18 does not mean you suddenly know everything , but he has learnt that as long as he acts like a baby you will take responsibility.

Let him sort his own debts out. It sounds like step-mum has his card marked and thats why he is ignoring her, but thats his to sort out , not you.

I promise you he will not melt if he does things for himself.

amIbeingdaft Fri 16-Sep-11 00:00:42

Why does he owe her £200? that's a lot of money for an £18 year old to owe. And he shouldn't be avoiding her rather than paying her back. I think you're teaching him the wrong things, tbh...if i owed someone £200 and didn't have the means to pay it back, I wouldn't buy a takeaway...yet you're suggesting that he does this? And when he's refused to spend his money, you're going to give in and buy it yourself? If that's what he's learnt you'll do, then no wonder he isn't arsed about paying his stepmum back! Bloody spoilt rotten is what he is.

tethersend Fri 16-Sep-11 00:15:40

Does he live with you?

If so, does he hover over the carpets?

I'm not sure you do owe him £15, TBH.

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