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...to think a 10 year age gap isn't shocking?

(52 Posts)
fegwood Thu 15-Sep-11 11:02:43

People are constantly shocked that DP is 10 years older than me and I don't get it. We met at 22/32 so were both adults when we got together and the age thing has never been an issue, except very slightly to do with money - when we met he'd had 10 years of work experience/promotions/payrises and I'd recently graduated with a shedload of debt and started my first ever 'proper' job.

Lately, MIL has been griping that I won't "give her grandchildren" before her son is 40 and puts it down to the fact that I'm too young for him/not serious about our relationship. We're now 27/37, getting married next year, trying to sell a house DP has bought and developed, both super busy at work and not in the least worried about what our ages will be when we have kids. She does my nut.

itisnearlysummer Thu 15-Sep-11 11:04:37

No it's not shocking.

At whatever stage you decide to have children, you won't be 'giving' her anything!

Just ignore MIL!

manicbmc Thu 15-Sep-11 11:05:12

There's a 10 year gap between dp and me - but I'm the old one. grin

She sounds like an interfering bag.

Dawndonna Thu 15-Sep-11 11:06:46

I'm 12 years older than DH.
Not her business.

VelvetSnow Thu 15-Sep-11 11:06:55

YANBU

DP & I have a 14 year age gap. I'm 28 DP is 42. We had our first child this year.

Not sure why your MIL is griping about kids before 40 - that's just odd.

Don't let it get to you (easier said that done I know) but it's MILs problem not yours smile

OddBoots Thu 15-Sep-11 11:08:23

Nothing shocking at all and in your shoes I fear I would intentionally wind her up more and start mentioning how these days it is quite normal for a woman not to have children until she is nearly 40, or not to have them at all.

What does your DP say?

ExitPursuedByaBear Thu 15-Sep-11 11:08:38

12 year age gap between me and DP. Had our DD when I was 40. I do sometimes regret the fact that my mum died when DD was only 3, but hey, that's life.

fegwood Thu 15-Sep-11 11:09:05

I don't know why 40 is such an issue!

This is the woman who marks on her calendar the amount of times we've been to visit her vs. the amount of times we've been to visit my parents and tots it up at the end of the year to check we're being equal.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 15-Sep-11 11:11:49

10 years not only isn't shocking, it's not very much, and the older you get the less difference it makes, once you're both old enough to date of course! Men stay fertile much longer than women anyway so him being a decade older is no bad thing. The biggest problem with age gaps is if your outlook on life is significantly different. XH was only 11 years older than me but you'd have sworn he came from a different century.

Anyway if DP hadn't met you he may not have met anyone he wanted to settle down with yet, or someone who didn't want children at all, so his mother would still be pining. She should be glad he's found you, not fixated on when you're going to breed. He's her son, not a stud poodle.

TotemPole Thu 15-Sep-11 11:12:21

40 is an age people used to think as the cut off for, having children, switching careers etc. Your MIL is the older generation, maybe she hasn't moved with the times.

It's a bit rude and interfering of her to say anything to you though.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Thu 15-Sep-11 11:13:03

She would get my stock answer to my MiL - oh do fuck off.
I struggle to remember anything remotely nice or decent about her apart from the fact that she gave life to my DH.

GrimmaTheNome Thu 15-Sep-11 11:14:22

The age of her son is irrelevant - she may regret not having grandchildren while she's young enough to enjoy them but frankly that's her problem.

She should just be glad that he married someone with plenty of time left on her clock.

Totting up visits is pretty controlfreaky

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Thu 15-Sep-11 11:15:31

Oh, and by the way, my MiL would do that counting up visit thing. She often complained that we saw my parents more frequently. I pointed out they lived about 4 miles away, whereas she was around 300.
It escalated once DD was born, my Mum and sister came out to the ME a week after DD was born.
Our first visit back to the UK, we were collected at LHR airport and taken to my parents house.
This was A Bad Thing apparently. Again, I pointed out she hadn't offered to drive.

TrillianAstra Thu 15-Sep-11 11:16:33

This is the woman who marks on her calendar the amount of times we've been to visit her vs. the amount of times we've been to visit my parents and tots it up at the end of the year to check we're being equal.

I would lie to her. She sounds conkers as conkers. Pretend you have spent the week in Italy with your parents. Just make stuff up.

No, a 10 yaer age gap is not shocking, and you should tell her very firmly that if you have children it will be you having children not giving her grandchildren.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Sep-11 11:17:14

I think you should stop telling her how often you visit your parents. She sounds unhinged. No one has a right to grandchildren. Far more important that their parents want them, not their gps!

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Thu 15-Sep-11 11:23:25

Tell her to be glad that you're not 10 years older than him.

As for adding up visits, words fail me hmm

Awomancalledhorse Thu 15-Sep-11 11:23:37

YANBU! We're 23 (me) & 34 (DH)!

She sounds batty, you're getting married and moving in together...what more does she want from you, to show that you're committed to her son?!
As for the calendar thing...shock

Is she slightly concerned about her own mortality? PIL were relieved when they found out I was pg, as they want to be able to 'do stuff' with their grandchildren.

mumofbumblebea Thu 15-Sep-11 11:23:54

i don't think 10 years is a big deal between adults. i think it is shocking if it's between a 16 year old and a 26 year old, but in your case you were adults when you got together and good on you for going for someone with a bit of dosh lol
ignore MIL, as a previous poster said, wind her up and say you plan to wait will your forty.

NotFromConcentrate Thu 15-Sep-11 11:31:55

10 years is nothing! My DH is 20 years older them me (I'm 30 and he's 51 next month) and none of our DCs were born before DH wa 40 - DC1 is 8, DC2 is 3 and DC3 is due in March)
As someone else said, if and when you decide to have children you won't be "giving" your MIL anything!

robino Thu 15-Sep-11 11:34:48

mumofbumblebea I am one half of that shocking couple! I was 16 when DH and I met, he was 26. We are now 34 and 44 with 3 DDs. The only thing I regret is that somehow we're going to have to explain to three 16 year old daughters why dating someone 10 years older is probably not the best idea. I'm not sure that with a headstrong teen my argument that I was incredibly lucky that their dad is a thoroughly decent sort will cut it!

Ordinarily, however, 10 years isn't shocking. Nobody bats an eyelid at us now probably because with 3 under 5s I look haggard

NotFromConcentrate Thu 15-Sep-11 11:39:22

Robino How could you? I at least had the decency to wait until I was 18 to meet my 39 year old now-DH wink <goss off to polish 'non-shocking' award>

Insomnia11 Thu 15-Sep-11 11:41:02

Not at all shocking. I mean surely if you want children it would be more of a concern if the roles were reversed and you were ten years older than DP? There is nearly five years between DH and me. We got together when I was 23, and moved in almost straight away but waited to get married until I was 28 and I had DDs at 29 and 33, and DH turned 40 in July this year.

It's not unusual for parents to be in their 40s these days, and average life expectancy is 80+ so you can reasonably expect, good health permitting, to see your kids grow up and have grandkids before your shuffle off this mortal coil.

There can be fertility issues for men of course and they do get a bit less fertile as they age (peak is 17 I believe!) but gradually rather than going down a lot each year after 35. Generally they are ok if they are not obese or underweight, don't smoke and don't drink too much.

(Though DH smokes 20 a day and probably does drink a little too much beer and it wasn't an issue for us!)

Longtime Thu 15-Sep-11 11:45:11

My db is 10 ten years older than his partner. He was coming up 38 and 42 when their had their two dcs. I don't see this as a problem. His ds is the same age as my dd. Granted, he's two years older than me, his ds is his eldest child while dd is my youngest but so what? Everyone actually presumes he's my younger brother angry. Having children later has its advantages - he has fewer wrinkles and less grey hair!

A friend visited this morning. She's 31 and her dh is 51. They have a one year old. He's never been married before or had any children so I think it's lovely for him.

NurseFleischerBaum Thu 15-Sep-11 11:45:23

My dad's ten years older than my mum, they got married when she was 24 and had kids when she was in her early 30s and he in his early 40s. They've been happily married 35 years. Your MIL is making a fuss about nothing.

One of my friends is 32 and just married a 75 year old man. They, perhaps, are more worrying - but happy so who cares!

mumofbumblebea Thu 15-Sep-11 11:47:02

robino how disgraceful! wink

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