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to let DD's bedroom out to a homeless person now that she has left for university?

(77 Posts)
RebelFromTheWaistDown Thu 15-Sep-11 09:30:00

The homeless person is DD's 20yo boyfriend of nearly a year.

When she met him he was 19 and unemployed and living in the local hostel for the homeless. He found a job after he met her which only lasted a few weeks then he was laid off. Then in April this year he found a job that he loves and has remained in. He is only on apprenticeship wage £2.60 an hour until next April when he will move up to min wage. Obviously he cannot afford to move out of the hostel.

I have seen his room in the hostel and it is a very sad and lonely place. Since meeting DD he has spent nearly every day after work at our house eating with us and for the past 3 months we have allowed him to stay over weekends only.

I received a text last night from DD asking if we could rent out her room to him until next April when he is getting a 'decent wage'. I have said yes but DH said no fucking way.

I have argued with DH about it last night and now this morning he says he needs to think it over for a few days. He likes the lad but is suspicious of why this lad can't live with his own family. His parents and younger siblings live in the same town as us but this is not an option for him. He does not get on with them. DH wants to think over the possible pitfalls.

I wonder if MNers could advise on possible pitfalls/benefits to this situation? Anyone had any experience of this?

RebelFromTheWaistDown Thu 15-Sep-11 09:31:39

DD only left home for uni last weekend!

MillyR Thu 15-Sep-11 09:34:32

My brother's girlfriend lived in my parent's house for years as a teenager. It would have been intrusive to request an explanation of why she couldn't live with her own parents.

I don't think you can set up such an arrangement unless you, DH and DD are all in favour of it.

allday Thu 15-Sep-11 09:38:11

I think the biggest pitfall is it artificially accelerates your dds relationship. The relationships people have before going to university often don't survive and your dd is put in the position where if she breaks up with him she may feel responsible for making him homeless. Also your DH doesn't want him there.

Elderberries Thu 15-Sep-11 09:39:30

Your husband really does have to be happy with this otherwise it could end in disaster. It will be different having him around without your daughter.

What happens if their relationship ends?
What happens if he loses his job?
What happens if you end up hating the situation?

You would need to draw up a contract I think. I can see many pit falls.

Pagwatch Thu 15-Sep-11 09:40:30

I can u derstand why you want to do it but tbh I wouldn't. Too many pitfalls.
But that probably just makes you nicer than me.

fanjobanjowanjo Thu 15-Sep-11 09:42:06

Just say no. Allday is right.

porcamiseria Thu 15-Sep-11 09:42:43

its a lovely idea BUT

DH dopes not like it, its his home too, so I think no for this reason

also agree it will artifically accelerate their relationship, what happens if they split up? she will likely meet someone at Uni

chopchopbusybusy Thu 15-Sep-11 09:45:16

I wouldn't do it either. He does have a roof over his head at the moment, even although it's not a very nice one.
Not fair on your DH and potentially very uncomfortable all round if they split up.

TheProvincialLady Thu 15-Sep-11 09:45:27

If things don't work out at your house and he loses the hostel place, he could be homeless again and in an even worse position. If you go ahead you all need to have a plan for what you will do if you ask him to leave.

RebelFromTheWaistDown Thu 15-Sep-11 09:46:57

If DH won't budge I will ask my mum if he can rent her spare room. She is likely to say yes. I feel so sorry for the lad now DD has gone.

NiecieTheTerminator Thu 15-Sep-11 09:53:13

I wouldn't do it either for many of the reasons listed below.

Could you not help by having an open house for him though. If he wants to come round for meals regularly or come for a chat and a few home comforts, make him welcome but don't actually have him to stay unless your DD is there?

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 15-Sep-11 09:58:44

I wouldn't do this. When i was young a friends of my DB's was kicked out of his parents' house when he was 16. He sofa-surfed for quite a while. He used to come round for dinner every night at my parents'. After a while that was too much, so he was told that he was welcome every night except Wednesdays as we, our own family, did need time to ourselves every week.

OPerhaps as Niecie says, let your house be open house for him, but don't move him in. I think that would be a bad idea. I definitely wouldn't ask your mum if he can move in there, either. If he only has to sleep at the hostel, he should be able to deal with that.

Portofino Thu 15-Sep-11 10:03:37

I wouldn't do this either. Particularly in this scenario. We have been putting a friend up this year and he is nowhere near as "in need" as this guy - I can barely look at him now and am very glad he is going soon. I would hate to be in a situation where he is reliant on you for shelter - you never know what might happen in the future, re his job, their relationship etc etc

AlpinePony Thu 15-Sep-11 10:07:08

I would do this.

Hostels are not the place for a young man trying to make it in the world. Anyone who thinks they're filled with fine, young men needs their head looked at.

Clearly his own family have turned their backs upon him, he needs the "love" from a kinder family.

It might not work out between him and your daughter - uni/home relationships rarely do - but, there's no reason why he shouldn't remain a good friend to your family.

SnakeOnCrack Thu 15-Sep-11 10:08:23

Most "serious" relationships don't survive being apart during uni.. think about what would happen if they did split.

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe Thu 15-Sep-11 10:11:59

I wouldn't for reasons others have said.

Also another reason, if he's classed as homeless & is in a hostel, is he on the waiting list for a council/HA property?

If he moved into your's, they could easily take him off the list as no longer homeless.

He might be there years before he gets a place of his own but he'll have an even longer wait/harder time getting back on the housing list if you move him into your house.

silverfrog Thu 15-Sep-11 10:14:25

what woudl happen during uni vacations?

you have allowed him to stay over at weekends only so far - if you rent out your dd's room to him, then when she is back during vacations they will be living together for weeks at a time.

I wouldn't do it - the pressures of having no space apart, having been apart for a few months at a time would be enormous.

and whilst your dd obviosuly wants to help him out - coming home, finding someone else in your room, having subtley changed round loads of stuff while you are away, might be quite disconcerting for her.

and, as other posters have said - what about if theysplit up? does he have to immediately mov out? while still not being able to afford anywhere, or would it be your dd who is temporarily homeless during university vacations, as her ex is renting out her room?

Sookeh Thu 15-Sep-11 10:14:43

I wouldn't do this.

I lived with my boyfriends family for four years when I was a teenager. We ended up staying together far longer than either of us wanted to because he didn't want to make me homeless.

It just led to a lot of resentment and was a terrible time.

It's lovely that you're trying to help but it might cause more problems than it solves.

Badtasteflump Thu 15-Sep-11 10:23:50

I agree with those who say it would be putting too much pressure on your DD's relationship with him. Assuming she's only 18, this would move things on to a pretty serious level IMO, which she may be happy with now but may not be in a few month's time.

I hope for your DD's sake that she gets to have all the freedom and fun at uni that I did at her age - and if her relationship with this boy comes to a natural end as a result, then it has to be let happen, IMO. If he is living in your home she will feel obliged to stay with him whether she wants to or not, which I don't think would be fair.

Yes it was her idea, but at the tender age of 18 she's not really thinking it through. I would have to agree with your H.

TotemPole Thu 15-Sep-11 10:25:28

if he's classed as homeless & is in a hostel, is he on the waiting list for a council/HA property?

If he moved into your's, they could easily take him off the list as no longer homeless.

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe makes a good point. If it all goes wrong and he moves out he'll be at the back of the queue again. If he's been in a hostel and on the list for a year it might not be that long before he gets placed. Studios/1 beds have a faster turnover than family sized accomodation.

Bonsoir Thu 15-Sep-11 10:37:10

Don't even contemplate this!

Journey Thu 15-Sep-11 10:44:42

Agree with allday.

auntmargaret Thu 15-Sep-11 10:46:11

I wouldn`t do it. I wouldn`t ask your mum either. You have no idea what it is in his background that has led to the breakdown with his family. Are there addiction issues? Was there abuse? He has been on his best behaviour because he wants your DD to like/love him. That can`t /won`t be sustained if he lives with you or your mum. I would feel sorry for the lad, I would try to suppport him as much as I could. But I wouldn`t let him live in my home. Do you have other, younger DC? It could be a safety issue for them too. Don`t do it.

ajandjjmum Thu 15-Sep-11 10:46:57

I wouldn't necessarily dismiss the 'staying with Mum' idea though. If you know he's decent lad, and your DH's reservations are mainly that he wants his home to be for his family, rather than he is concerned about any aspect of the boyfriend's character. If your Mum would actually like some company and the money would be handy, it could be a good move. Depends on her circumstances though really.

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