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That "Matryr Mums" should maybe chill?

(273 Posts)
Mitmoo Wed 14-Sep-11 20:42:39

Martyr Mothers

They like to tell their children how much they've sacrificed for the children, how much they are giving up by putting their children first. I've heard the term before and seen some. I've just googled this and it got me wondering:

"You’ve just tidied your 10-year-olds bedroom, whipped up two batches of cookies for the school fete, bathed the dog, wrestled with sticky paper to cover your teenagers’ school books, and realised you didn’t even stop for lunch today.

Does this sound just a little bit like you?

The martyrdom trap

All parents make some sacrifices for their children; it’s a normal part of parenthood. What’s not ok is when selfless sacrifices are taken to extremes, says Professor Matt Sanders, Clinical Psychologist, Founder of the Triple P Positive Parenting Program, and Director of the Parenting and Family Support Centre at University of Queensland.

“This is when parents fall into the martyrdom trap,” he says. “Some parents suppress their own needs to such a degree that they become angry, miserable, and depressed,” he says.

Self sacrifice also has an evil twin that contributes to martyrdom – over protectiveness, and when the two join forces martyrdom mayhem results.

Martyr mums want to protect their child, and do things for them, but what they’re inadvertently teaching their child is that they can’t do it for themselves.

What do you think, can you make too many sacrifices?

DO children have to fit in with out lives or do our lives change because we have children.

Where is the line?

Kayano Wed 14-Sep-11 20:45:37

claps and cheers grin

chibi Wed 14-Sep-11 20:46:27

GOD yeah

Women are just so crap, especially the ones who are mothers, i mean doing stuff for their kids, brrrr

Parp

MumblingRagDoll Wed 14-Sep-11 20:47:21

I think it sounds like a lot of labelly twaddle.

We can all come up with a title for the varous kinds of people in the world and then tack it onto parents.

I think some journo/blogger couldn't think of a better piece and so came up with that one.

Proudnscary Wed 14-Sep-11 20:47:40

Why are you lecturing us?
Why are you asking so many questions?
What the bejeezus are you posting this for?

NinkyNonker Wed 14-Sep-11 20:48:03

People can't win. This is just another stick to beat people with.

chibi Wed 14-Sep-11 20:48:19

i told my kids look you lot i'm a trophy winning big game hunter and if you think i'm going to compromise that for you you can bloody think again now LOOK OUT HERE COMES A LION

gapants Wed 14-Sep-11 20:48:31

Are you a Journo?

BatsUpMeNightie Wed 14-Sep-11 20:48:50

Reads like something pulled straight from the internet and whaddya know.............

FFS - how about something in your own words?

therugratref Wed 14-Sep-11 20:49:04

I think you can make sacrifices. It is when you resent making those sacrifices that it becomes toxic, for example giving up holidays to afford private schooling and harping on to the child about the sacrifices you have made for them.
Our lives invariably change when we have children the degree to which this happens depends on the individuals concerned.

MumblingRagDoll Wed 14-Sep-11 20:49:30

Cannot bellieve that was written by a prof....it sounds like some old shite that a part time blogger came up with!

Kayano Wed 14-Sep-11 20:49:31

It's about doing too much. ImE martyr mums are more likely to be still doing stuff fr trot adult kids who can't because their mum did everything for them

In fact, my mum was very much a martyr mum and I had a shock when I moved out and had to... Clean and stuff!

I think sometimes they do need to step back, not run themselves ragged and have a glass of wine lol

chibi Wed 14-Sep-11 20:50:02

But me i'm just fricking marvellous like that, me, no martyring here no sir mm mmm

MumblingRagDoll Wed 14-Sep-11 20:50:09

gaga No...OP is a regular.

Mitmoo Wed 14-Sep-11 20:50:27

Some Martyr Mums though don't just do stuff for their kids, they try to make the kids feel guilty because they've sacrificed so much for the child/ren.

"Do you realise what I gave up for you to give you a b c d?"

"I did my best, I gave up a career, chance of big house, car to give you the best".

That kind of martyr mummying when the responsibility for bringing up the children they chose to have then gets visited on the children.

Not sure its healthy, well I don't think it is. If you resent the sacrifices then perhaps you shouldn't be making them in the first place.

tethersend Wed 14-Sep-11 20:50:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Kayano Wed 14-Sep-11 20:51:15

high fives Mitmoo

LeBOF Wed 14-Sep-11 20:51:16

I don't know, Mitmoo, but whenever I read yet another of your threads inspired by current affairs, I increasingly find myself wondering if you work for The Daily Mash without realising?

MumblingRagDoll Wed 14-Sep-11 20:51:17

Beatsmeup the OP was QUOTING it...she wasn't passing it off as her own!

reelingintheyears Wed 14-Sep-11 20:51:59

Press the 'like' button for tethersend grin

Salmotrutta Wed 14-Sep-11 20:52:12

Did we really need a psychologist to tell us any of that?

Some people do a lot for their kids and some people don't.

I think we knew that already.

And my view of "doing too much for children" will most likely be very different from someone else's view.

It's all subjective.

PrinceRogersNelson Wed 14-Sep-11 20:52:14

Do you know people who think that and say that to their children? I don't.

So, yeah, if people do that it's pretty bad. Just not convinced it is a phenomena is it?

GwennieF Wed 14-Sep-11 20:52:29

I dunno - my DM is still banging on about how much she sacrificed for us and how we don't appreciate how much she gave up/missed out on. Am now approaching 40 and it is starting to get a little old! She wasn't like the OP describes but she was (and still tries to be) quite controlling.

Proudnscary Wed 14-Sep-11 20:52:36

Mitmoo are you drunk?

UrsulaBuffayHere2Help Wed 14-Sep-11 20:52:49

You just needed a Carrie Bradshaw...'I couldn't help but wonder...'

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