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To hate motherhood..?

(171 Posts)
hatebeingmummy Wed 14-Sep-11 11:23:10

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing sad

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

ZZZenAgain Wed 14-Sep-11 11:28:27

maybe you are expecting too much of yourself in terms of being a "good mother", whatever that is. I think you are doing a terrific job by the sounds of it but of course it wears you out. At the moment she is still small but she will not cling forever.

I think motherhood if you are trying to be responsible is always going to be hard work, you have to judge where you can let up a bit, if at all and unfortuantely, otherwise there is nothing we can do but just get on with it. Try to relax more when she is with her dad, if it is your time off, you must try and recover a bit in that time.

ZZZenAgain Wed 14-Sep-11 11:29:44

sorry about the typos, didn't sleep

I feel like I'm cracking with it at times too. I suppose most women do.

notherdaynotherdollar Wed 14-Sep-11 11:30:57

aww how sad for your little boy sad

notherdaynotherdollar Wed 14-Sep-11 11:31:11

sorry, girl

cheeseandmarmitesandwich Wed 14-Sep-11 11:31:26

you're not a horrible person, it sounds to me like you may be depressed. Is it just your daughter that makes you feel stressed/upset or other things in life too?

notherdaynotherdollar Wed 14-Sep-11 11:31:45

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

of course she does. No question

ScarletLady01 Wed 14-Sep-11 11:33:21

I must say I feel you're incredibly brave in being so honest. It's such a massive taboo for a woman to admit she has anything other than undying love and hearts and flowers when it comes to their children. It's great you can talk to your partner about it, and it sounds like you're doing a fine job.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure most Mum's have moments when they feel as you do. I sometimes think I'm not much of a natural mother as I find everything so difficult. I think we all have unrealistic expectations of ourselves though and sometimes it's hard to remember that we're all just human at the end of the day.

Do you think maybe counselling would help?

ZZZenAgain Wed 14-Sep-11 11:33:37

I don't think she knows. She saw you sob for an hour but otherwise in 5 years, she has been cared for and you put a lot of time and effort and thought into how you treated her. I am sure she feels loved

Georgimama Wed 14-Sep-11 11:33:47

You sound depressed to me. Go and see your GP.

hatebeingmummy Wed 14-Sep-11 11:34:31

That's my biggest fear notherdaynotherdollar as I say.

I don't really feel stressed or sad about anything else in life. I'm actually happy with everything else. I feel it is the one area that lets me down.

I think I'm doing everything so right and well to compensate for the fact that i know I'm a crap mum.

faverolles Wed 14-Sep-11 11:35:37

I may be way off the mark (and apologies if I am) but the way you have described how you feel is identical to how my neighbour feels with her dd. She has PND (still has after 5 years as she refused all help sad)
IMO it's not normal to feel that way, and I would make an appointment with your GP to discuss things, as you are obviously not happy the way things are.
However it may just be that you are not maternal and you'll find things better when your dd is less dependent.
Hope you feel better about things soon.

sloggies Wed 14-Sep-11 11:35:43

Some of the things you are describing sound like depression. Maybe see your GP and outline some of what you've said?

ScarletLady01 Wed 14-Sep-11 11:35:46

You're not a crap Mum by the sounds of it. You're a person who may be not naturally maternal.

kat2504 Wed 14-Sep-11 11:35:51

I think from what you are saying you may well be suffering from depression. Is it just being a mum that is bothering you, or are you getting little pleasure from life in general?

Crosshair Wed 14-Sep-11 11:36:15

Maybe goto your gp for some help on improving how you feel?

ScarletLady01 Wed 14-Sep-11 11:36:46

I'd agree with the others. It may be PND. It's worth exploring anyway, can't hurt to try and find out.

nethunsreject Wed 14-Sep-11 11:37:06

I think you sound depressed. Or that you are expecting FAR too much from yourself. You sound like a great Mum. It is entirely normal to worry that they don't feel how much you really love them, or that they will be abducted/become ill. I think most parents feel this way at times.

How is she in herself? Happy? Friends? What about outwith parenting - are you okay outwith your mum role?

hatebeingmummy Wed 14-Sep-11 11:37:25

I thought it was post natal depression, but for 5 years straight..? in fact it's 6 really including the preganancy.

Maybe I will go to see my GP but to be honest, although he is a great GP. He is a very matter of fact, very elderly man from India. He doesn't have a great command of English. I may be wrong but I can't imagine he'll know where to start in the 5 minute slot he'll get.

Maybe councellingis the answer. i guess I feel that i would struggle to be as honest as i have been in this post to a real live person!

peterpan99 Wed 14-Sep-11 11:37:37

maybe if you had a little holiday away and give yourself time to really miss her, it would help put things into perspective. Your not horrible, just honest, but i would be concerend about her picking up on the way that you feel. She may not know exactly what is wrong but i think she will have a sense that she has done something wrong.

Proudnscary Wed 14-Sep-11 11:38:51

You could make good money if you sell this to the Daily Mail - they LOVE women who hate being mums.

justlookatthatbooty Wed 14-Sep-11 11:38:54

I'm so sorry to read of your distress. I can relate to some of what you write and my heart goes out to you and your little girl.

From what I read I think you need to go and talk things through with someone or delve into some self help material to re-discover yourself?
From what you write it seems there is a sort of dissociated pattern. Less a not loving her, as you write that you do but more of a blankness and not getting enough for yourself and therefore everything you do for her being a burden and not a joy. You do all the right things for her, but do you do all the right things for yourself? Or it it all duty and no self indulgence. I would suggest finding ways to stimulate your own senses...excercise, rest, midday nap, new music, anything that pleases you for just you and not anyone else.

The suddenly breaking down in tears is an indication that you're reaching your limits and it's time to acknowledge that something needs to change.

Believe me, even as a mother your life can be utterly joyful and full of delight.

If you don't even sometimes have that feeling then you deserve to make up for lost time and get help finding it if you can't find it yourself.

Much love and support to you.


SnakeOnCrack Wed 14-Sep-11 11:39:48

It does indeed sound like you're suffering from PND or some type of depression. Do not blame yourself, you are not a bad person and it does sound like you love her very much.

Book an appointment with your GP to discuss counselling or other options - TODAY.

Good luck.

Drumlin Wed 14-Sep-11 11:40:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnakeOnCrack Wed 14-Sep-11 11:41:05

also - are there other GP's at your practice if you don't think your own will help you?

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