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(11 Posts)
pat1066 Wed 14-Sep-11 10:11:06

dh (not so dear) has had two single hols this year, one for mates 50th another for stag do. both abroad. we have had no family holiday as we are broke. husband paid long time ago for both of these and told me gradually about each one. wouldnt normally be so upset but i work 6 till 6 monday to friday, do all the evening taxi running for teens and he seems to do as little as possible. i totally lost the plot over the last week, send really really really vicious texts to him while he was away. he just does not understand. to top it all he did not even bring us back a gift, not even a small one. i really think i am losing the broke down this morning, dd late (very late for school. i just lost it in car, started crying and shaking, so tired, dh and me not speaking, i have not had any time off since a week last xmas, self employed so dont get paid. i just dont know where to turn anymore. kids think it normal for fat slob husband to watch telly and go on hols with mates while i just slog.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Sep-11 10:22:33

You might be better off in 'relationships' because it sounds as though yours has reached breaking point. Not speaking probably isn't helping. What are the chances that you could get some time together, switch off the TV and talk about all of this honestly? You say he doesn't understand but is it that he doesn't understand or that he doesn't really care? If it's the former, and things change after you've both explained how you feel, then maybe it's salvageable. If it's the latter, you may have to start planning an exit strategy.

Elderberries Wed 14-Sep-11 10:23:32

YANBU. It sounds like he is taking the piss and you should tell him that unless he shapes up you will want him to leave.

pat1066 Wed 14-Sep-11 10:37:42

he knows i cant go anywhere, we are up to eyes in money worries, i dont earn much and he has no overtime. kids in full time education. and i would never leave them. he says he loves me, not sure how i feel anymore. i have told him again and again how i feel, even by letter, which chnged things for about a week. i really feel like i am at breaking point and could just hide in a corner for ever. we are never on own, kids are always around, one or both and he would never think to say lets go out or away, and just talk, if i even raise my voice he says i am arguing, if i have more that 2 glasses of wine he says i am an embarrestment. i try so hard, but i am what i am, we have been married 23 years, he has got old and grumpy over the years and i just see it getting worse. need a lotto win lol

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 14-Sep-11 10:58:40

He says you're an embarrasment for having 2 glasses of wine! Lovely.

He doesn't help with the kids at all. Lovely.

He goes away twice in one year when the rest of you can't afford to go away once and you can't afford to take some time off work, and by the sounds of it was sneaky about it. Lovely.

You sound exhausted. He sounds like a wanker.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Sep-11 11:06:03

Rather than working out the reasons why you can't detach yourself from the problem, try to think out some ways that you can get some time to yourself. Teenagers are more resourceful than they look.... so reconsider the whole taxi-service thing and get them on buses or cadging lifts off friends. Plan a weekend away with friends, perhaps.... what's sauce for the goose and all that. Start an evening hobby that gets you out of the house. Try to find as many ways as possible to create a little independence for yourself. That way, if you really are stuck with him for financial reasons, you still have a life. Currently you sound like you have none.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 14-Sep-11 15:04:25

Yeah I agree Cognito. How about an evening class? It doesn't have to be for any particular purpose (job related I mean) but just because you fancy it, so maybe something like cookery classes or pottery. Just something that is fun and will get you out of the house on your own and meeting mew people. I know you probably feel too tired at the moment but I really believe that a change is as good as a rest. Have done it myself. smile

pat1066 Wed 14-Sep-11 15:22:31

i try to do yoga 2 times a week but diont always finish work on time and if i didnt make dinner know one would!!!! if only my friends would leave there families for weekends away lol, have been suggesting it for yonks. they all have romantic trips with hubbys lol . never miss yoga if dont have to and it does make me feel happy being out. may look for something else aswell. thanks

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 14-Sep-11 16:54:27

How old are your kids? Could they make dinner?

How about you go out and if no one makes dinner then no one has dinner? People will only treat you like the hired help if you let them. Make a stand!

BuntyPenfold Wed 14-Sep-11 18:16:43

You sound exhausted. And totally fed up, and I would be too.

I don't know how to change things with your DH if he won't talk. It's very difficult.

I do think you can stand up for yourself though. Your children are old enough to help, including making dinner for you. Start requiring it - show them what to do if they don't know, and then expect supper made/laundry folded/whatever help you want.
They will thank you for it in the end and they will appreciate you more.

SageMist Wed 14-Sep-11 18:31:47

Teenaged kids should be cooking once a week otherwise they won't be able to cook when they leave home. Partners should cook 3 nights a week. That's a fair split in my eyes.
You sound exhausted, bit only you can change their expectations of you.

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