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AIBU?

to not invite extended family to wedding?

32 replies

mumofbumblebea · 13/09/2011 16:01

sorry ladies, i know another wedding related post! mine is a little different so bear with me (although it was reassuring to read that many people are in a similar boat). anyway my partner and i are planning on getting married in edinburgh (where my partner and i went on our first holiday) in a few months, just at the registry office and then out for a meal afterwards. we have invited just parents, siblings, their partners and children, and our grandparents (plus our own daughter of course). well since then it has all kicked off, most of the family are happy for us but a couple of his aunts and cousins are mortified that they have not been invited and have said that they no longer consider us to be family! we've explained that if we invited them we would have to invite all our aunties, uncles, cousins plus partners and children etc which would take our guest list from 15 to over 40! we're paying for the wedding ourselves (except my dress which my mum is paying for, which is actually a bridesmaid dress) and can't afford to pay for that many people as i will be a preggers bride, plus it would mean that we would be paying to please others rather than ourselves. DP is gutted they have reacted this way as he was really looking forward to the day, plus he was adopted into the family so their comments have really hurt him. (this obviously makes us want to invite them even less). so are we being reasonable to just invite close family, or AWBU? plus any advice on how to handle these family members.

OP posts:

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ENormaSnob · 13/09/2011 16:03

Yanbu

tell them to get fucked

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 16:04

Ignore them, carry on as you are, and let them get over themselves.

So long as you havent invited one aunt, and left the rest out, then they cant say you are picking and choosing favourites.

Stick to your guns! :)

CMOTdibbler · 13/09/2011 16:06

YANBU, and they can bugger off. They aren't much loss if they would say that over a wedding where noone outside immediate family is invited

Andrewofgg · 13/09/2011 16:06

Gomorrah.

And SOD 'EM!

eurochick · 13/09/2011 16:06

YANBU. It is your wedding. Invite whoever you like.

aldiwhore · 13/09/2011 16:06

For me, with a small family and parents who helped fund the wedding I had to allow extended family really... didn't bother me at all, I had a wonderful day.

However, YANBU at all. You're funding it yourself, you are having the key people there, money is limited and you don't want a big wedding. They're not your parents (where I believe diplomacy, compromise and discussion IS key) and I think that if the awkward ones will REALLY disown you both then its no great loss in the long run.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

MrsVoltar · 13/09/2011 16:07

YANBU, they are, explain that its just a small wedding. If they are reasonable people they will understand.

Although you do need to be careful that you don't invite say, one cousin but not the others, that would annoy people.

Also needs to be equal amount from each side (usually) so people aren't offended.

rubyrubyruby · 13/09/2011 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitterySkulls · 13/09/2011 16:07

tell them where to go. and how nasty to say "we no longer consider you family" - fuck them, enjoy your wedding with the people who love you.

pozzled · 13/09/2011 16:07

YANBU. It is your wedding, do what you choose. I could understand if you'd invited the whole family except those few, but as long as it is clear that it is close family only, they have nothing to complain about.

Isla77 · 13/09/2011 16:09

Perfectly reasonable in my opinion. DH and I only had close family - parents and siblings and aunt who was my Godmother - at our wedding. Like you we were unable to spend a fortune on a wedding so kept it small and simple. Nobody said they were annoyed and if they were I could not have cared less. It was our day and our budget and we did it the way that was best for us. We had a very happy day and have happy memories. Have a lovely day and ignore the moaners in the family.

YellowDinosaur · 13/09/2011 16:14

Yep another YANBU here too.

And their very reaction would actually make me all the more sure that I was doing the right thing imho. What is it about people who feel that they have to make everything all about them? There have been some weddings that I ahve been disappointed to not be invited to but I have realised that it isn't about me and wished the couples in question well.

The only reason I would back down on this one is if my dp was so upset about their reaction that it would ruin things for him. Then I would probably advise the restaurant staff to spit in their food

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/09/2011 16:17

So if you don't invite them to your wedding then they will have nothing more to do with you? That's blackmail! Tell them to fuck off!

harassedandherbug · 13/09/2011 16:22

I'm sure you're gettting the gist of the replies so I'll just add another YANBU and second ENormaSnob's post.

moonbells · 13/09/2011 16:26

Ah, we did this one. No cousins as DH has dozens, and of course they have partners and children and they would have all come to the party...

We had a limit of 75 at the dinner. Cousins would have doubled it at a stroke. Various folk were not happy but we just told them we had to be fair, but if they wanted to come to the service they could. (Two did).

RoyalWelsh · 13/09/2011 16:33

YANBU. This is what I will be doing. I would also be very surprised if they didn't suddenly decide to get back in contact once you have had the baby. Families can be ridiculous.

Ormirian · 13/09/2011 16:34

"but a couple of his aunts and cousins are mortified that they have not been invited and have said that they no longer consider us to be family! "

Oh how ridiculous! I'm sure they'll get over it and if they don't I can't see it will much of a loss.

nocake · 13/09/2011 16:38

Wave them goodbye and be glad that you no longer have to associate with such unpleasant people.

nailak · 13/09/2011 16:40

imo weddings are supposed to be a family affair and about celebrating the marriage and announcing it, not just about the couple and immediate family.

maybe this is a cultural perception. and maybe it is one that his aunts and cousins share?

weddings are suppossed to be a way of bringing the family together not a reason for the family to argue.

i understand it is the finances that would be the issue. i would consider telling them that this is the case and if they wanted to come to dinner they would be welcome but would have to fund themselves.

mumofbumblebea · 13/09/2011 16:41

well, i am relieved to hear that we are not as horrible as what we thought we were, wish we had just never mentioned it to anyone outside immediate family now. BIG MISTAKE. i just feel awful for DP although he is adament that he still wants to go ahead with our original plan. the aunts and cousins he is actually close to are fine about it and really happy for us. tbh though it annoys me a bit that DPs parents have let their family talk to their son this way, i would be mortified if any family said that about my child. we don't expect them to get involved but if it was me i'd tell them they we're bang out of order to say that. i was worried about them being hurt but they didn't seem bothered. families, eh?

OP posts:

mumofbumblebea · 13/09/2011 16:47

nailak i can understand if that's how they view it, but that's not how we view it and it is us that are getting married. i agree that it is awful that it has caused upset, but part of me wonders if they are actually upset or just want to prove the point that they should be invited...

OP posts:

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 13/09/2011 16:58

YANBU

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janedoe25 · 13/09/2011 16:58

YANBU! I really feel for you mumofbumblebea, we are getting married in November (a fairly big doo of around 90 guests) and have had arguments galore with family over who to invite etc. I wish DF and I went away on our own to get married and just have a party afterwards. In my opinion they are just grumping about missing out on the free meal!

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2011 17:07

"but a couple of his aunts and cousins ... have said that they no longer consider us to be family! "
Given he is adopted, that's a particularly nasty comment. Really vicious. But I see in a later post you say that "the aunts and cousins he is actually close to are fine about it and really happy for us". And there is the heart of it. These people are not close. Therefore - fuck 'em.

nailak · 13/09/2011 17:13

if you dont care how other people view things then why care about their reactions? dont let it spoil your day.

it is true that sometimes people should stop thinking about themselves and what is important to them and think about what is actually the important thing, which would be your marriage.

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