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to nag my DH to lose weight..

(22 Posts)
Applemartini Tue 13-Sep-11 14:52:41

He is getting bigger and bigger, with a BMI now at least 30. He has always been slightly overweight, but I am becoming very concerned at this point. He has been saying he will lose weight for about 4 years, but in that time he has gained about 18 pounds. He does not seem to be able to motivate himself at all, either with diet or exercise. I have tried to be encouraging, but I recognise that I would absolutely hate this if the boot was on the other foot and he was telling me that I needed to lose weight. I would probably say it was none of his business. However, I suppose deep down I do feel it is my business. He is putting his own health at risk, and not being a healthy role model for our daughters. I do not believe he is happy in himself. It is affecting our sex life because quite frankly I don't fancy him. I know that is really horrible. I try to cook healthy meals, and give him opportunity to go for a run/ cycle/ do some exercise. I have not voiced the extent of my concern to him. I don't know what to do.

HairyGrotter Tue 13-Sep-11 14:57:06

Why not tackle it from the 'health' angle. Explain that you are concerned about his health (don't mention weight). There is not much you can do if he doesn't want to tackle it, but you can voice your concerns

Pootles2010 Tue 13-Sep-11 14:59:24

Rather than give him 'opportunity' to go on bike ride, could you go as a family?

When is he eating all this rubbish? Is it when he's at work? Do you have crisps/chocolate etc on the house?

HairyGrotter Tue 13-Sep-11 15:01:08

And putting on weight doesn't mean 'eating rubbish' necessarily. Much of it boils down to portion size and lack of exercise.

Does he have larger portions than the rest of the family? What is his response when you suggest exercise?

mousesma Tue 13-Sep-11 15:02:17

Good advice from HairyGrotter.
Is eating unhealthily at home or away from home? Can you try just not buying any unhealthy treats and food. Is there something you can do together i.e. go for a family walk to the woods. Maybe you could frame it as getting healthy as a family to take the pressure of off him?

Applemartini Tue 13-Sep-11 15:05:23

hairy grotter- yes. That is the angle I have been taking. It has not worked thus far. Thinking of sending him to the doctor re snoring, hoping that they will then tell him he has to lose weight.

Pootles- He says he doesn't eat rubbish at work. However, if there ever are any crisps in the house ( rarely, and bought by him) he will sneakily eat them at night after I have gone to bed. So maybe he sneakily scoffs them at work as well. The family activities is a good plan which I will try more.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-Sep-11 15:05:30

It's a terrible situation to be in, being fearful for the health of someone you love. Especially when you know it's fixable. However, you're right, there's very little you can do to make someone change their behaviour if they don't see it as a problem.

However, you're entitled to express your concern and say that you're worried about his health, happiness, the example he's setting and yes - even the sex-life. His doctor will also have told him to slim down. Cooking healthy meals and ridding your cupboards of unhealthy snacks is also very supportive. You could suggest joining a weight-loss club (even online if that would help) or booking in with dietician because what stops a lot of people doing something positive is the idea that it's going to be difficult or unpleasant. Does he have any male friends that do exercise, people he could join in with?

Ultimately, it's his body and therefore his call. Sad but true.

Tanif Tue 13-Sep-11 15:10:56

He'll lose weight when and if he wants to. Being nagged into doing it (and no matter how nicely you phrase it, that's how he'll see it) will either result in him ignoring you and eating more, or going on a series of yo yo diets.

Personally, I like my man on the chunkier side of things. However, if he lost weight I'd still fancy the pants off him because I adore him. I find it worrying that he gets a higher BMI and you sudddenly don't want to have sex with him. If he was saying that about you no doubt people would be up in arms about it.

HairyGrotter Tue 13-Sep-11 15:12:06

I would speak to him about it possibly being an emotional problem. Sounds like he could be binging. I used to overeat when as a crutch to my emotional problems, managed to get myself out of that and lose 4st but it was a learning curve and I had to WANT to do it.

The snoring is a concern due to sleep apnea, he needs to get that checked, hope the Dr might shock him into some action?

HairyGrotter Tue 13-Sep-11 15:13:27

I think it's quite a normal response to find your partner, who has put on a substantial amount of weight on, to be less sexually attractive. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if a guy said it, or a woman said it. It's their opinion

hillyhilly Tue 13-Sep-11 15:19:29

I have this problem, I have introduced my dh to the wonders of my fitness pal ( website or phone app) and it seems to be having an effect. It is far to early to see if it will work long term but short term it has certainly taught him huge amounts about portions, calories and the benefits of exercise ( which I have not managed in 20 years).
I might add that my dh already has some significant health problems caused by his weight and lifestyle (which makes it harder still to understand why he didn't tackle these issues before); since starting Mfp his sugar and blood pressure have both been fantastic so for him hopefully the message is getting through that what he does makes a difference to his health. He is an intelligent bloke but didn't ever seem to grasp this.
Sorry that got a bit long, didn't mean to hijack!

MrMan Tue 13-Sep-11 15:21:46

Tanif is right that he will only lose weight if he wants to. However I disagree that you shouldn't try to help him come round.

The key is to understand why he is gaining weight, and what might motivate him to change. Is he generally happy? Has he stopped some exercise that he used to? Is he stressed?

On the motivation side, there is the health and attractiveness angles that you mention. There's also the fact that you feel a lot better when you are a healthy weight, both emotionally and physically. It gives you more freedom to do all kinds of things that you couldn't do before (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about things like sports and hobbies grin ) clothes fit better, it can make you feel more confident, and of course there's the relationship stuff as well.

I do think you should talk to him about all this, and explain that you love him the same as always and because of that you want him to have a long and happy life. He will be defensive and annoyed but if you keep a 'we're in this together' approach he may just come round.

HTH....

fanjobanjowanjo Tue 13-Sep-11 15:22:27

I agree with Grotter on the attractiveness side of it.

Definitely support him by all as a family eating healthier meals and keeping on healthier food in the house, and suggest physical things to do together as a family - swimming, walking (local park, nearest nature reserve, even walking around the zoo for a day!)

Applemartini Tue 13-Sep-11 15:24:50

Tanif, I don't share with him that I find him less sexually attractive. But I can't really choose how I react physically. I totally agree it would be much better for him to sort it himself. However after 4 years, I think it rather unlikely this is going happen. I

mumsamilitant Tue 13-Sep-11 15:27:20

I also agree with Grotter. Its one thing to put on a few pounds here and there but to put on a few stone. I personally wouldn't fancy my partner either.

Tanif Tue 13-Sep-11 15:32:06

Clearly I'm bizarre, what's 18lbs when you're horizontal?

Also 18lbs shouldn't really make all that much difference on a man to the naked eye. Is he particularly short? I wouldn't notice 18lbs one way or the other on my DP who stands at a fairly reasonable 6'1.

mumsamilitant 18lbs isn't a few stone. It's 1st4lbs. Not even 1.5st.

But Apple I reiterate that you're not going to be able to nag him into losing weight. Telling him the health concerns will also just put his back up.

squeakytoy Tue 13-Sep-11 15:32:44

18 pounds is not a massive weight gain unless he is 4ft tall, and a bmi of 30 is also not necessarily that bad, depending on his build and muscle.

BUT... if he carries on, then it will make it more difficult to shift the extra weight.

I started my low carb / low fat and low sugar diet in March, and because I didnt want to be cooking 2 meals each night, I fed my husband the same as me. He didnt notice the difference and also carried on eating bread and having full fat milk, but has still lost nearly 2 stone as well. He is 6ft and quite a broad build, so he didnt look overweight in the first place as he carried it quite well, but he had put a fair bit on around the belly over the last few years, and all that has gone now..

Applemartini Tue 13-Sep-11 15:42:27

Tanif- no he's not dwarfish but he's not tall. Around 5 ft 10 I think. The 18 pounds is an additional 18 pounds. He started talking of losing weight about 4 years ago. He was already overweight then. By at least a stone and a half. Since then he has gained another 18 pounds. Agree, 18 pounds when horizontal is not noticeable. Especially if the lights are off.

Thanks hilly hilly will check out myfitness pal. squeaky toy yes I think I may have to reluctantly join him on a diet.

squeakytoy Tue 13-Sep-11 15:51:30

Apple, you dont need to see it as a "diet".. just see it as a healthy lifestyle change. That is how it seems to us now. Rather than a temporary thing, we have changed the way we cook and eat and we both feel so much better for it too. We still have occasional "bad" stuff like a KFC, or a Steak and Kidney Pie, or a blowout on chinese takeaway, but 6 out of 7 meals a week are healthy, plenty of veg, lean meat (turkey or chicken), less chips, less rich sauces, and we drink water rather than cans of soft drink.

I cut out alcohol altogether for the first month, but drink again now, just not as much, and my husband cut down too.

CrosswordAddict Tue 13-Sep-11 15:59:03

Applemartini Your OP is so true of my own DH! I could have written the post myself blush
I've sort of given up nagging him and think ~"oh well it's his body"
I know this is a defeatist attitude but you get like that after a while (15 years)

SmethwickBelle Tue 13-Sep-11 16:07:39

My DH went from 13 stone to 18 stone over (ahem) ten years, I did worry, like you - and felt resentful that I had to go to the bloody gym and diet to encourage him when my weight was perfectly fine!!!

He is now on the way back down but he had to come to it in his own time and in his own way - as you know nagging only pushes someone away.

Things that triggered the change 1) was accepting that he's not a smoker, or a drinker but he LIKES food. So he avoids overly restrictive diets, eats more or less what he likes but just does an awful lot of exercise now instead. 2) We used to have a rowing machine but we both hated using it so its in the loft now. He cycles everywhere now, has a GPS tracker thing that means he logs how far he's gone, which seems to be rather addictive.

chocolatemakesmehappy Tue 13-Sep-11 17:01:20

bmi of 30 is a worry, over 25 is overweight, over 30 is in the obese category. however, bmi can be misleading on it's own due to muscle mass weighing alot.
for men a waist hip ratio of over 1.0(metric calculation) is considered "at risk" health wise. below 0.9 recommended for men. also a waist measurement(taken about one inch) above the navel) should be kept below 95cm for men to be in "healthy range". talk about it with him from a "health" point of view, and that you'd like him to grow old with you. in then end it is not how you look, but how the body functions with the extra weight that is important.

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