To go away for a long weekend?(55 Posts)
I've agreed to go away with work in our annual long weekend jolly to an unknown destination at the end of the month. It could be anywhere from Bristol to New York (has been both if these in the past). But I'm feeling massively guilty an anxious about it.
I've never left the children overnight before - they are 3.8 and 18 months. Actually that's not quite true, I was away from my eldest daughter for one night when in hospital having my second! But that's it.
I'm very much their ordinary carer as DH works long hours and us away on business a fair bit. As a result they are both real Mummy's girls. Although I work part time (3 days per week) I'm invariably home for bedtime...
I'm concerned that they won't understand if Mummy just disappears for four days. Youngest has only just weaned, and still relies very much in mummy cuddles for comfort at bedtime.
I'm also concerned at how DH will cope as he's never had to care for them in his own for any length of time. He sometimes lacks the necessary patience for dealing with two young children, and gets cross over very small things. He's not cruel or anything, and would never harm them but I do worry that they'll be more likely to play up if feeling unsettled, he'll spend much if the weekend cross and they'll have a rubbish time...
I agreed to go because the prospect if a whole weekend of child free time, somewhere nice, all expenses paid, with guaranteed unbroken sleep was really appealing, but I'm starting to regret my decision...
Am I being massively selfish? [braces self]
No you're not being selfish.
I went away for a week the week before DD's 1st birthday. It wasn't a holiday, but it was my choice to go.
My DH booked the week off work and spent the first week of the Summer holidays at home with the children. They had a great time!
My DH also had no experience of looking after the children on his own and often seemed to lack patience or understanding of the fact that things don't always go to plan with children.
But they were fine. I had a great time and came back feeling refreshed. I had a renewed respect for him because he did cope; he had a new respect for me because he saw how hard it is; my children spent some great quality time with their other parent! It benefited everyone.
Maybe your DH will swim rather than sink and it will do wonders for the family as a whole. It'll make him appreciate what you do if nothing else. And it's only a weekend. They'll survive.
Go for it, you'll come back refreshed and ready to go. I've been for long weekends away and left kids with my mum on a few occasions and they've always had a lovely time. I left them with dp to go to a wedding for a weekend but drafted in some friends to come round and help out-one friend came on the Saturday with her dd so my eldest and her went off to play, and a childless couple we know came over in the evening to help with bed/bath and stayed for a take-out. If you have any friends that could help it will help break up the weekend for all of them
Honestly? You're being selfish if you don't go. You're not giving DP a chance to step up, you're not giving DCs a chance to have quality time with their dad, you're not giving yourself a chance to be anything else but a mother. Go.
Your DH will never learn to cope if you don't let him try.
After I passed my driving test, I didn't build up any confidence in driving until I'd done a number of journeys on my own, without feeling someone was watching my every move, ready to jump in a telling me what I was doing wrong. I'm sure your DH will be fine and it will be good for your DCs to get used to being away from you.
How is it selfish? It's not like you're planning to dump the kids outside a police-station with a note and run off to the Bahamas without a backward glance. It is not selfish to leave them in the care of their loving father while you have a short break. Just because you're a mother of two it doesn't mean you stop being an individual. You're allowed to have fun.
I think it will probably do you and your kids good.... its nice to be missed sometimes, and nice to have a break. You're not being selfish.
My dh sounds just like yours. I decided a while ago not to be a martyr. He had dc all weekend- even a trip to the zoo and all got on great.
I personally wouldn't go because think 4 days is too long to go away if I'd never left them before (ESP with the youngest only being 18months and just weaned). I would maybe go away somewhere for a night somewhere not too far away to see how it goes. I would struggle to enjoy myself if I was worried about how things were going at home and I wouldn't like the idea of potentially being a flight away from home if there were any problems. It won't be a popular opinion judging by other posts so far but that's how I would feel. I think it would be lovely to get away for yourself somewhere though - do you have any friends you could have a spoily weekend with including an overnight stay?
I would go. I recently went away for 8 days on an open uni residential course. Dh booked the time off work and looked after our dds (4 & 2). I was in tears when I left, I really didn't want to go, but I had a brilliant time. I called home 3 times a day, once first thing in the morning, once in teh day and then at bedtime (and read them a bed time story over the phone, which they LOVED!)
I did miss them but was really busy and tbh it was really nice to go away and be dolcegusto for a while, not just mummy.
Dh had a great time, I had worries about if he would cope, silly things like would he remember to shut the stairgate at the top of the stairs at night, but they all were fine. I suspect that hair brushing took a back seat, and dinner was pretty much chicken nuggets and chips for most of the week, but he has a much better relationship with them now and really enjoys spending time with them, he even volunteers to take them to the supermarket while I stay at home!
So was definitely worth doing, just to see how close dh and dds are now.
Go! It sounds like a lovely trip to take.
The guilt thing is understandable - but you shouldn't feel guilty. Does your DH feel guilty when he has to go away? And I think the guilt thing will always lurk forever it's part of our genetic make-up of being a mum.
Let your DH be their father, he should be able to do the things you do, why wouldn't he be able, if you don't give him the chance he will never know what it is you do and I think it will really help the DC's to understand that things change sometimes.
I have been away several times with work things - nothing nice, just courses and training etc - One time I was still BF my youngest and I had to be away for 3 nights, but you just have to get on with these things.
Sounds like a lovely treat - and you will love being able to rediscover you again.
Go for it, they'll all be fine and will do them good to have some daddy time. i left my twin DDs with Dh when they were about 3 and went to Barcelona for a girlie weekend.
They wore peculiar combinations of clothes, ate crap, stayed up late and the house was a tip but everyone surived and i had a fabulous weekend, making me a more patient and kind mummy when I returned.
Good heavens, why the fuss? Just go! It's not like you are planning to put them into kennels or something. You are going to leave them with their father who has equal responsibilities and rights. Perhaps it is time for you to cut some of the apron strings so that they arent stuck being mummy's girls forever.
Go, run run like the wind and you will love it. I always feel guilty when leaving the children for any length of time be it an hour or more, but relish the freedom of being me. Plus this is a work thing, not like you have a choice ( you could think of it that way)!
"time for you to cut some of the apron strings so that they arent stuck being mummy's girls forever."
They are 3.8 and 18 months! I think it's perfectly fine to be a 'mummy's girl' at that age and I very much doubt that it will have any long term impact on them.
There has to be a first time - for you, for them, and for him. GO!!
Sounds like it will do their dad good to care for them on his own for a few days- you do it, so why shouldn't he? My husband only really stepped up to the plate when looking after them on his own, and they've been really close since (as it gave him the confidence to know he could be the sole carer of two girls and do just fine).
I would go, everyone will miss you. Although when i went away when they were that age, I was a little crestfallen at how well they all managed without me.
Am I the only mum who doesn't feel an ounce of guilt when I leave my DC with THEIR FATHER for a weekend?! I can't bear 'martyr mums' who think their husbands/partners won't cope with their own children and only they will do. Leave them, enjoy yourself and let him learn how to be a proper dad. It will benefit all of you enormously.
Another goer here I left dd1 with her dad at 6 months for four days to see my sister, left dd1 and dd2 with him at 3, and 18 months to see her again. And we are leaving 6 year, 3 year and will be then 10 month old with my parents to go away for 3 days in December. They're with their dad, they'll be fine. To be honest, a few days after you're back they won't remember you were away.
Jonas - it's not about being a 'martyr'. I do enjoy getting my child free time too but I know that I couldn't leave them for several days because I would miss them and wouldn't enjoy myself as much. I know DH is perfectly capable of looking after them and he is already a 'proper dad' AFAIAC () but I haven't been away from them for more than 1 night. I have other free time and nights out and days away and I am happy with that. Everyone has their own comfort zone about these things and only designerbaby can decide whether or not she will be happy/comfortable with leaving them that long. Telling her to 'cut the apron strings' or that she is being selfish by not going and letting her DH be a 'proper dad' is just a bit rude and dismissive imo.
Go and have a fabulous time. They will have a great time with their father (ok so it might not be what they are used to or how you might do things, but does that really matter???) and you meanwhile can enjoy that G&T at the bar guilt free. Suggest to hubby that he has some activity planned - e.g. day at the zoo or quick trip to the park for that first day you are gone to try and take their minds off the fact that mummy is not there.
When do you find out where you are going? :-)
Im going away with work, for four days later this year. Selfish maybe, but the kids have never cried themselves to sleep when they've been on a foreign holiday with their grandparents and not us so im sure they will be fine!
What planet is bumbleymummy on to think that you'd need to fly home for something your DH couldn't cope with? I have a friend whose two girls aged 14 and 12 are "mummy's girls". The husband's rather hopeless because he's never had to cope on his own with them. He's rather good at DIY though.
Bumbleymummy - OP says her DH has never looked after his children on his own for any length of time, including overnight. He also gets cross with them when he looks after them - to me this is someone who has got away for several years without being a 'proper dad' and actually needs to look after them on his own. He will understand them better and surely they will respond more to him if their mum isn't about.
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