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To get so fed up with people that make put down comments?

(76 Posts)
ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse Tue 13-Sep-11 09:44:25

I have 2 "acquaintances" that both seem to delight in making put down comments to me (they might well do it to others too but I haven't noticed)

One of them is very competitive about everything, and will use any opportunity to get a dig in. She'll ask me a question and then laugh. She asked me what my teenage daughter wanted to be when she left school and I said a hairdresser, and she laughed and said "well that would be okay if you could afford to set her up in her own salon". We were talking about drama groups that again our teenage daughters go to (separate ones in separate towns) and I said that my DD was thinking of leaving as the teachers were so strict and always shouting and she said "Well it's not like that at my DD's one but then it's so expensive". She just makes nasty comments all the time. She compares our little boys too and constantly makes passive aggressive comments "Oh he's talking now, it's so nice once they can talk isn't it? I told you he'd talk ONE DAY", or comments about me "I like your dress, nice to see you in something nice". I've been friends with her for years, I want to stay on good terms but it's hard. I don't know whether to just ditch her or to start saying things back, but then I don't want to come across as defensive because people like her love it when they've hit a nerve don't they?

The other is a fellow mum on the school run, who is a bit dappy, she reminds me of Phoebe from Friends. She just makes insensitive comments all the time, I don't think she does it on purpose but I just don't know whether to challenge her or just continue avoiding her (it is hard to avoid her though as she always always manages to catch up with me and starts chatting). I went out for a drink with her a short while ago, to try to get to know her better as I thought her comments are harmless, but then even before that she said things like "Shall I come round beforehand and make you all beautiful?".

I'm thinking really it'd be best to ditch them both wouldn't it?

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse Tue 13-Sep-11 09:45:50

The former is going to be at a group night out on Saturday and I am dreading her making those sorts of comments in front of others.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 09:45:50

yes, ditch the first one

the second one seems ok...perhaps you just need a slightly thicker skin with her

Hullygully Tue 13-Sep-11 09:46:46

Friends?

Friends?

Blimey

Hullygully Tue 13-Sep-11 09:47:18

Oh "acquaintances."

I'm not getting what's in it for you?

slavetofilofax Tue 13-Sep-11 09:47:31

The first one should be ditched, the Mum just sounds like she's after some girly time.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse Tue 13-Sep-11 09:49:23

The second one has made other comments too, it seems that everything she says has a sting in the tail, but being blunt she seems a bit childish and naive and i don't think she means it nastily. But is still pisses me off.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse Tue 13-Sep-11 09:50:05

Regarding Saturday night I know the first one will start making comments "oooh look at her dress everyone, isn't is nice to see her in something half decent". Am tempted to just say "fuck off"

I'd ditch the first one but perhaps keep trying with the second one.

The first one seems to have made a long-standing habit of sneering at you, so I don't think there's any hope.

The second one may be a bit nervous as you don't have a longstanding, settled friendship yet, and she might get better as time goes on.

Bloodymary Tue 13-Sep-11 09:50:52

I would certainly walk away from the first one without a backward glance.
I do not need that in my life.

"Am tempted to just say "fuck off""

Say it!

FantasticVoyage Tue 13-Sep-11 09:53:36

'...she said things like "Shall I come round beforehand and make you all beautiful?"'

I think taking offence at this is remarkably thin-skinned. Or perhaps you are my mother?

However, the first one sounds like a complete cow.

ViviPru Tue 13-Sep-11 09:54:14

Being friends with someone for years is usually the worst not the best reason to maintain a friendship. She sounds like a horror. I would NOT have anyone like this in my life. Don't say anything back - just gradually phase her out.

School-run-mum sounds slightly less offensive, and more difficult to avoid. I'd decline any further offers of socialising with her and view our interactions solely as the source of comedy fodder to giggle about later with Mr.ViviPru.

Giddly Tue 13-Sep-11 09:54:35

I think one of the best responses to this sort of thing is a phrase I've learnt from MN
"That's actually very rude - did you mean to be?"
I think it makes the other person look rather stupid without sinking to their level

LaurieFairyCake Tue 13-Sep-11 09:54:37

I'd ditch both of them. You sound nice and deserve more.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse Tue 13-Sep-11 09:56:28

Like I said, FantasticVoyage, the second friend makes other comments too and everything she says has a sting in the tail. I was in town with a Primark bag and bumped into her and she said "Oh been to Primark, you like cheap and cheeful toot don't you?", it's that kind of thing, and like I said I don't think she means is nastily but I just don't know if I am prepared to put up with comments like that from someone, dense and naive or not.

sleepevader Tue 13-Sep-11 09:56:31

Ditch the first one. Practice the "do you realise how rude you sound" comment.

I have just deleted a similar person from my facebook and won't be engaging with her again.

Huffythetantrumslayer Tue 13-Sep-11 09:57:06

I had a friend like this once. I challenged her a couple of times on it and she said she didn't realise or was joking. Didn't stop doing it and gradually got more nasty. In the end I walked away and do you know what I felt after ten years of "friendship"? Relief. Says it all really.
Ditch them you don't need it. It's because they are insecure so have to try to make others feel bad so they feel better about themselves. Well not your problem is it so just stop contact. If you see them be civil then walk away. They are not worth your time.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse Tue 13-Sep-11 09:58:00

Thanks everyone for the replies. Giddly, that's a very good response to give to the woman on Saturday night, if she replies "yes" then she will make herself look really bad won't she?

ViviPru Tue 13-Sep-11 09:59:46

<committing "That's actually very rude - did you mean to be?" to memory>

wordfactory Tue 13-Sep-11 10:05:28

I think you need to surround yourself with fun, interesting, supportive people.
Ditch anyone who does your head in.

wordfactory Tue 13-Sep-11 10:06:01

When I say 'you' I mean 'one'.

We should all do this.

cornflowers Tue 13-Sep-11 10:06:29

I had a 'friend' much like the first one you describe; I phased her out, pretty pointedly, and things were a little unpleasant for a while once she realised what I was doing. Now the dust is settled, I feel so much better. You are better off without toxic people in your life. Be proactive.

TotemPole Tue 13-Sep-11 10:07:47

"Oh been to Primark, you like cheap and cheeful toot don't you?",

That isn't nasty at all. People shop at Primark because it's cheap.

cornflowers Tue 13-Sep-11 10:07:50

The second one sounds harmless, by the way smile

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