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DD pushed over by her BF

(52 Posts)
twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 14:11:43

DD is in P1, will turn 5 next week.
The way the class seems to have worked out is that she has no-one to play with but this one girl (perhaps another but I can't get out of DD why she doesn't go to her)
It is a class of 18, only 6 girls.
This one girls DD ends up with is the DD of a friend, so they have visited each others houses a few times, I thought it would be good for her to make friends.
But, it seems I have made a mistake.
I have now witnessed this girl screaming at my DD to 'Twinkles DD, Come Here' in an aggressive manner, when she was playing with other girls. Then being blanked when the girl decided to run off with someone else (seperate days). Another day she and another of DDs 'good' friendshmm were chasing her trying to pull out her hair bobbles. Which they succeeded in doing, a teacher had to replace it.

The same day I saw the blanking was when the girl ran to an older girl, who both then blanked my DD.
At lunch time on Friday ( I finally got the whole story from DD on Sunday) the girl pushed DD on her upper arm, so hard that she fell to the ground, hurting her side and landing in wet grass whilst shouting 'Go Away, Twinkles DD!!'
The older girl witnessed this and did nothing.
DD got herself up and said 'That is not a very nice thing to do!' and went to tell the play ground supervisor. Then went inside the school, knocked on the Staff room door and told her teacher.

I don't know what to do now.
I really want DD to stay away from this girl and have talked to her about finding other girls in the playground to play with. That it is nice to have a good friend but, if they are not reliable, that she needs to have others.
There was a P3 girl who tried to befriend DD but DD was too shy I think so she has given up.
I have encouraged DD to find her and try a bit harder.

At Church on Sunday, at sunday school, she met a P2 girl.
I met her too and asked that maybe she could find DD in the playground because someone had pushed her. The girl said that she would.

DD was in tears as I put her to school today.
I don't know if it was the stress of the morning. We slept in and DD is a ditherer at the best of times so a bit of shouting normally happens to get her to move, today I felt was no different.

We forgot her school dinner money, so I popped in with it at breaktime and happened to catch the headmistress ( I know her a little outside of the school) so I had a wee word asking if DD could be moved teams (she is in a team with the girl) in order that she was not sitting with her, being under her influence too much.
When I was saying about the controlling nature and the pushing she did one of those smiles that say 'silly mummy over reacting'
Am I?
I just hate to think of her growing up under this influence because she is a wee softy. sad

slavetofilofax Mon 12-Sep-11 14:17:43

I think you are over reacting - sorry!

Your dd is probably in tears today because you have made it in to a much bigger deal than it is.

She needs to learn to make friends in her own way. If she is a softy then she may get taken advantage of, but your job is to teach her strategies to deal with that, and to give her things to say and ideas of things to do when she is struggling. It is not your job to micro manage her friendships and keep her away from any and every potentially difficult situation.

Callisto Mon 12-Sep-11 14:18:35

So your DD only plays with a girl who is nasty to her/doesn't want to play with her?

What happened after the pushing incident - how was it dealt with? How does the teacher deal with the nasty girl telling your DD to get lost?

Personally, I have zero tolerance of any kind of nasty behaviour like this because it nearly always escalates. I don't believe that children of this age should have to learn how to deal with such behaviour and I think that too many schools are far too lax on stuff like this which is why bullying is so endemic.

So, if I were you, my first step would be to talk to your DD's teacher and tell her how unhappy both you and your daughter are and ask what she intends to do about it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 12-Sep-11 14:18:54

OP, do you think you might be a bit sensitive about this? I was with you up until your interpretation of headteacher's smile as "silly mummy over reacting". The headmistress was good to see you, on spec, and I'm sure she's dealing with your request (you don't say whether she did or not), but it sounds positive.

Do you think there's the possibility that you're a bit of a softy yourself? If so, I think it would be a good idea to instill into DD that she is a person in her own right and she doesn't need to put up with being pushed around. Encourage her to make some new friends and do what you can to facilitate that, outings, tea with friends, etc.

It's hard being a mum, you want so much for your kids to excell at everything and be happy and popular all the time... but sometimes you just have to accept that you can't mould the world around them and you just have to let them learn the lessons of life, with as many tools as you can give them to soften the blows.

Don't be sad and don't let your DD see you like this; jolly her along and make her feel better - and she will be. Good luck!

twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 14:22:29

slave you may have a point.
Though I have only tried to encourage her to look elsewhere for friends. And have tried not to say too many negatives re her friend just that perhaps other friends would be a good idea.
But Callisto I would like to know what DDs teacher has done. If they even realise that she told her to Go Away, as she pushed her. Or did they realise that the behaviour was backed up by the older girl doing Nothing.

twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 14:27:57

Perhaps my interpretaion was that I feared I Am over reacting. I was bullied but only for a short space of time. My DH was bullied A Lot in school, he tells me. He really is a softy smile
She said that she would talk to DDs teacher about it.
But it felt that they would just treat it like normal playground antics, which it probably is.
But when it is your little girl being pushed so hard that she lands on the ground. My heckles are up.

Yes, I do want to micro manage it blush, but I am also aware that I don't want to make a Huge fuss, speak to the girls parents of the like (as my own mum suggested) and that I really can't micro mange, just encourage.
Just looking for advice from a good source.

slavetofilofax Mon 12-Sep-11 14:29:34

How old was the older girl? It's not really her responsibility just because she is older.

If the incidents were at lunchtime, or at the beginning or end of the day, the class teacher won't neccesarily know that anything happened. IME, lunchtime controllers and teachers really don't commuincate very well.

I would have a word with the teacher if your dd comes out upset again today, or any other day this week, but some children are just a bit bossy and the teacher won't be able to drum that out of this other child altogether.

twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 14:31:42

The other girl is P6-7.
You are right it is not her responsibility, but surely she is old enough to know right from wrong?
I dunno...........
No words left.

Callisto Mon 12-Sep-11 14:33:30

Well if my DD had been pushed so hard she fell over and was told to go away at the same time I would be bloody fuming. But then, DD's school doesn't tolerate this sort of behaviour and the pusher would have been dealt with there and then.

PissesGlitter Mon 12-Sep-11 14:37:40

if there is 18 in the class then that leaves 4 other girls and 12 boys
could you encourage her to play with them instead

at my daughters school the older kids are ''buddies'' basically they look after the new starts so yes i do think the older girl should have said something

slavetofilofax Mon 12-Sep-11 14:48:31

Not that I am a particularly good source of advice, but I'll give it a go anyway! I didn't mean to sound as harsh as I may have come across in my other posts! blush

I think I would do things that you are probably doing anyway, but you need to be having converstaions with your dd about what to do if someone upsets her. Actually give her the words to say, like 'I don't like that! Stop it', or 'that hurts, you shouldn't do that!' and get her to practice saying it so that she has some confidence when she needs to use it. Make sure she knows the names of the lunchtime controllers, and make sure she knows the sorts of things she should go and tell them, or a teacher, about. Someone pushing her over is worth telling an adult about, her friend not wanting to play chase when she does, isn't! I would try to have these converstaions as a general discussion though, and not relate it to this other girl.

Make sure she knows things she can say to other children if she wants to go and join them, like 'Can I join in' or 'what's your name' or 'I could help you do that if you like'. Just opening phrases that she can use to help her break in to other groups of children, as it can be quite difficult to know what to say sometimes, even as adults!

As for the older girl, she probably does know right from wrong, but that doesn't neccesarily mean that she has the confidence, or the inclination to say anything. I know she probably seems much bigger than your dd and so should stick up for her, but she is still a child too. Try and forget about her, her lack of action doesn't mean that she has anything against your dd.


twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 15:27:40

Callisto, I wouldn't have thought DDs school would either. sad But what can be done if they don't see it.
I think she told the playground person that she was pushed but I doubt she told them it was with intent.

twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 15:40:56

Have just phoned the school to check that they understood that this was not just a game where DD fell over but that she was actually pushed and shouted at.
They hadn't realised.
Apologised for making a fuss but just wanted them to have the full picture.
Am stopping now. Sure it will all be fine.
calming down now. Feel I have done all I can.
DD knows to tell an adult asap if anything like it happens again and that she has other friends to play with, so just have to leave DD to it now.

twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 18:49:23

Bit angry now.
Met the mother after DDs class tonight and in passing said that 'these two had a falling out on Friday'
'Yes, your DD pushed mine so hard she fell'
Said it just chatty, no anger, but really wanted to say something (perhaps I shouldn't have)
'haha, did she? She doesn't know her own strength! smile'
'mm, she pushed her whilst saying 'Go away, Twinks DD'
'Your DD should have just pushed her back.'
(My DD is half the size of hers and, more importantly, I don't promote violence)
She says 'I am sure they will have plenty fallings out before they are grown'
I am afraid I replied 'Well, lets just hope that DD doesn't land up on the ground every time.'

AIBU to be really angry at her attitude?

CheerfulYank Mon 12-Sep-11 19:02:07

Hmm. YANBU to be angry at what the other girl did. I would be really upset for my DS but would try not to show it, instead, as others have said, giving him the skills to handle it on my own.

It does happen so I can see why the other mum was a bit cavalier about it, but if it would have been me I'd have said "Oh I'm so sorry and will be talking to DS tonight. Again, I'm really sorry!" or similar.

Claw3 Mon 12-Sep-11 19:03:34

Best friends fall in and out ALL the time, best friends one day, enemies the next, then back to best friends and so on and on and on. From what i have read your dd told the teacher when it happened, its been dealt with.

saintlyjimjams Mon 12-Sep-11 19:10:38

What did you expect the other mother to say? You told the school - best left now.

GypsyMoth Mon 12-Sep-11 19:12:55

Brace yourself op, it's going to be a looooong ride!

This is all par for the course. There will be spats/arguments/evil looks all the way through primary into secondary.

All you can do is build your dd self esteem and support her

Claw3 Mon 12-Sep-11 19:29:00

Also you dont promote violence, quite rightly so, but you should promote social skills, unfortunately part of social skills is dealing with rejection and other children not wanting to play with you.

omnishambles Mon 12-Sep-11 19:43:53

OP - I can see why you are annoyed but never ever mention it to another parent - the school should deal with it everytime - what is the other mum to do or say? She cant discipline again as its too long after and children do fall in and out of friendships every breaktime - its exhausting if you micromanage it all.

I would encourage some boy friendships as well - especially with that small class size.

twinklingfairy Mon 12-Sep-11 20:43:00

It is fine if one child does not want to play with you, but to be pushed to the ground when you are not welcome is a bit extreme.

Omni, I only spoke of it because the mother is a friend. I would never go to a stranger. But perhaps I ought not to have?

I too, would have been full of apologies, not encouraging that the other child push back. Social skills is exactly what I try to encourage.

dikkertjedap Mon 12-Sep-11 20:54:15

I think that you are overreacting a bit and your anxiety might rub off on your dd which would not help her. At our school, these incidents are straight away addressed by the adults in the playground .... but ONLY if the child actually comes to an adult or the adult sees it first hand. So, it is VERY important that you make clear to your dd that whenever something like this (including name calling, excluding from play, etc.) happens she goes and see an adult in the playground. No good talking to mum of 'offender' IMO. These things happen at school and thus have to be addressed at school. When she is a little older you can start explaining about how to stand up for herself, but initially, each time when it happens, very simple, go to the nearest adult and tell them.

Claw3 Mon 12-Sep-11 21:02:59

We all want our kids to be liked, but there is inevitably going to come a time when our kid, is not liked by some for whatever reason, even if it is only for a short period of time. You cant control it, its life.

The other child should not have pushed your dd, its not acceptable, but the school have dealt with.

CurrySpice Mon 12-Sep-11 21:07:07

I think you need to realise that thisis just normal playground behaviour. And I think you need to toughen up a bit

I mean that very gently though as I know how much it can hurt sad

festi Mon 12-Sep-11 21:19:02

I think at this age many children do not need to have a best friend and equally enjoy playing alone and with others of equal amounts. some other children do relly upon best friends etc. It seems your dd does and can do just fine to sort out her own friendships and play mates in school, she proved that by dealing with being pushed around in a very assertive and confident way.

I would step back if I where you and not intervien between friends as you will find your self worrying and fretting and becoming involved in friendships problems for the next 10 years. I would keep aware of what is happening and talk to the teacher if you think your dd is being treated unfairly.

It does seem that your dd and this girl have been pushed together and maybe the other girl is not ready for this type of friendship either and hence her behaviour.

I also would not request other children keep an eye out for your dd as it is not thier responsibility and without you realising that child may feel preasured to look after your dd to the detrement of her own play and friendships. it is enormouse preasure when an adult asks something like this of a child only 1 year older. My dd is same age and no way would I want her to feel responsible for a younger child. In fact when dd started school another parent asked my dd to walk in with her dd as she cryed and look after her at dinner time incase she didnt know what to do. I was a bit hmm as my dd had her own preasures at school and was noway able to lookafter another child. I had told dd she did not have to do this but for a week dd was very unhappy and grumpy before and after school and told me because she had to look after this other girl, but didnt want to stop as her mum had asked her and she didnt want to get told off sad.

also children tend to make it seem as if school is the most miserable hard lonely place in the world at first, but talking to the teacher as I did can often misplell that and reasure and once you as a mum feels confident I bet you your dd will share about all the good times aswell as the hard times. I think she will probably pick up on your anxieties as well, my dd definatly did to begin with.

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