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STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

(363 Posts)
btsmummy Mon 12-Sep-11 10:52:50


Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?



fivegomadindorset Mon 12-Sep-11 10:55:51


eurochick Mon 12-Sep-11 10:58:28

Why are you objecting to more contact? Surely it is a good thing that her dad wants to parent her.

(And when you are ready to move on to a new relationship, you will probably be very grateful for the additional fredom this extra contact will give you.)

Please don't use your daughter as a pawn in your divorce.

MsCellophane Mon 12-Sep-11 10:58:35

Why are you being awkward? You say he is a good father and has provided for her and you, so what is the issue?

He isn't asking for anything outrageous and your dd will benefit from having much more of a natural relationship with her father, instead of afternoons only

A minimum I would expect would be one midweek over night and alternate weekends fri - sun.

Are you angry that now the sex has stopped you know there is no going back?

VivaLeBeaver Mon 12-Sep-11 10:59:24

I think he would have a good chance in court of getting this. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear but courts are keen on 50/50 custody.

Can you try and focus on the positives - your dd gets a great relationship with both parents, you get some quiet time for yourself.....?

cookcleanerchaufferetc Mon 12-Sep-11 11:02:10

I dont understand why you are objecting to his requests? What reason would you give to substiante your denial for extra visits, or to your solicitior when your ex goes to see his?

NorksAkimbo Mon 12-Sep-11 11:02:46

YABU!! He is just as much her parent as you are, and should definitely be able to have equal isn't actually fair to your DD to deny him.

porcamiseria Mon 12-Sep-11 11:04:51

why dont you want this? because you will miss her? I feel for you, really. But this is about HER not you, and I think the more they see both parents, the better

maybe see this as an opening. Do you work? Have you started dating? do you have any interests? you must try and understand that you cant fight him on this, and try to use the free time it gives you, as an opporunity for you

I have alot of empathy, but you cant stop this

Skippyboo Mon 12-Sep-11 11:06:31

He has as much right to her as you do.

Whatever the details of your separation/divorce, he sounds like a reasonable person (ie paying mortgage, bills and your car as well as moving out), and a good father.

I don't really see what your objection is, sorry. You're both parents to your child, not one more so than the other.

SarahBumBarer Mon 12-Sep-11 11:06:46

Gosh - I don't want to wade in and say YABU so instead I will say he is being totally reasonable.

The courts like reasonable people.

nocake Mon 12-Sep-11 11:08:56

You're insane... seriously insane. You have an ex who is standing up to his financial responsibilities, is keen to spend as much time as he can with his daughter and is being very reasonable but you're telling him to talk to your solicitor and saying that you'll argue in court over his request rather than discuss it like adults.

I know a number of single parents who would kill to have an ex as reasonable as yours.

StrandedBear Mon 12-Sep-11 11:09:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth Mon 12-Sep-11 11:11:43

Have answered on your other thread, as have others. Why re post this? Were you nit getting the answers you wanted?

More info needed, but as far as I can see, YABU

Birdsgottafly Mon 12-Sep-11 11:11:55

The court will award him shared residency, so you are better to try to come to an arrangement, that will suit you all and any hobbies/friends that she has or will have in the future.

Couples are sometimes given one full week with the child and the next week with the other parent, which can be tough on everyone.

It isn't up to you, i'm afraid.

MrGin Mon 12-Sep-11 11:13:11

Not sure about the division he's suggesting, but if his 3-4 overnights included every weekend it would be unfair on you to not have your dd at the weekends...

Other than that YABU to not support him in having his daughter to stay over. He's obviously supported you and been a good dad.

I think you are being incredibly selfish.

cantspel Mon 12-Sep-11 11:13:17

You have offered him??????

Your daughter is not your private property and he has as much right to equal access to her as you do.

How would you like it if it was the other way around and he told you that you could only have her one night a forthnight?

CurrySpice Mon 12-Sep-11 11:13:31

I can't understand why you don't want this?

It sounds like he wants a similar arrangement that I have with my ex which works really well

Groovee Mon 12-Sep-11 11:14:24

Why won't you let him have more contact? She was created by both of you, you have equal rights to her. This would give you more time to yourself and time for yourself.

My dd's friend stays either fri/sat nights with her dad or sat/sun nights and then one night during the week too. Both parents have been really amicable since they split and they've worked hard to ensure their marriage break up hasn't affected their daughter. I hope I can be as reasonable if I was ever in that situation.

CurrySpice Mon 12-Sep-11 11:16:24

Just to add. He has them 2 or 3 nights a week. He will have them once in the week for me if I need to leave early next morning for a meeting. We are flexible and try and help each other out

eg we swapped our nights off this weekend so he could go to a gig

I honestly believe that our children have benefitted hudely from this. They love their dad and although my house is their "home" as such, his place is difinitely their home too

We have never been to court. We sorted it out ourselves

booyhoo Mon 12-Sep-11 11:16:40

your daughter has a right to spend as much time with her father as she does with her mother. it is not your right to hinder their relationship.

the court will most likely grant 50/50 shared care. as it should be.

whackamole Mon 12-Sep-11 11:19:22

YABU. Can't add anything further to what other posters have put but who are you to say no for no real reason?

GypsyMoth Mon 12-Sep-11 11:21:44

You have started 2 threads on this op, but not been back?

TandB Mon 12-Sep-11 11:23:01

Why have you told him he can't have this? The courts will almost certainly disagree with you - your solicitor will probably disagree with you for that matter.

If things have been amicable so far then you are about to shoot yourself in the foot in a very large way by turning it into a dispute. 2 days a week really isn't that much contact time for a parent and child who have a good relationship, particularly when one of those days is a schoolday. What he is asking for seems much better for your daughter.

It sounds like you have had a relationship that has been, up till now, very similar to some family members of mine. They split after a very traumatic event but they are still friends, still do things with the children, still attend each other's family events and are very flexible about contact arrangements. It works incredibly well and the children are as happy as they can be with the situation.

MindyMacready Mon 12-Sep-11 11:27:23

Another YABU, I can't understand why you seem to want to bring in solicitors at what seems, on the information you've given, a reasonable suggestion/request.

AuntiePickleBottom Mon 12-Sep-11 11:35:48

why do you want to prevent more access to her father. You have said he is a good father.

the child is not a pawn in your divorce


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