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AIBU about DN, SIL and DMums Heirlooms

(48 Posts)
poormesomemore Sun 11-Sep-11 23:29:59

Right - taken a drink and really upset about this so...

My DMum died 16 days ago. Which means both my parents are now longer living.
So with both parents gone, buried etc we are slowly beginning going though her belongings. Now some things are simple (eg paintings/pieces of furniture) but it is her jewlery that is the problem.
I'm the youngest of 3, a sister and a brother both are married DSis has a DSandDD and DBro has a DD. And because it is relevant DMum is their Step-mum (DSis is 16yrs older than me and DBro 19 yrs)
We decided that things like earings she wore all the time/favourite necklace and brotchs we should divide between us to give to our respective DCs (I have 4 as well)
But it is the rings that are really upsetting me
She wore 3:
Her wedding ring
A Diamond ring she got for her 50th
Her granny's weddig ring

Now diamond ring I can understand going to one of my DN's

CardyMow Sun 11-Sep-11 23:41:16

Wedding ring - should definately be yours if she was their step-mum, it is the ring from your mother's wedding to your father. Granny's wedding ring - not so sure, probably more for you than them, as passed down by blood. Diamond ring - up for grabs. IMO.

poormesomemore Sun 11-Sep-11 23:44:38

Sorry it cut:

But SIL said that she felt that DMums Granny's wedding ring should go to her DD - I want it to go to one of my DDs - SIL and actually DBro have never been interested in my DMums family etc. AIBU that the ring goes to one of my DDs (I have 2 DD and 2 DS)? The ring belonged to my great-granny who my DMum grew up with being in her parents house when she a teenager. It is a connection to that part of the family, a connection to the stories I grew up with/my DC grow up with and my DMum and aunts and uncles grew upwith

Her wedding ring I also feel should go to (eventually - kept till old enough) one of my DD (DMum wore her Grannys ring, I wear my nans ring I feel it would be a nice thing to pass on) SIL again wants the ring to go to her DD. I have less of a problem with the wedding ring going to a DN than the Granny's ring. But would much much prefer it to go to my DSis DN.
As I said SIL and DBro also where never really interested in DMum/family/and to some excent me. While my Dsis is my best friend was very close to my DMum. But she thinks her DN should get it.

I am also conscience that Dsis and DBro mum is still alive and that she will have heirloom jewlry to give to my three DNs. While on my side my DCs will only have my mums
DDads stuff (eg wedding ring and other stuff) was divided equally.
I also can't help but think this is something to do with the fact that I am getting (and DCs) more inheritance than them (as I only have stuff from my parents and they have stuff from their mum and our parents)

This is all coming from DBro and SIL btw

This is really upsetting me so please help.

maras2 Sun 11-Sep-11 23:55:24

Poorme, sweetie. It's only 2 weeks into your berevement.Don't start falling out with the the other family members just yet.You sound so sad and lonely tonight.Is there a RL person at home to talk to ?Sorry if I sound condescending but I know what it's like to be bereaved and upset.Have another drink and then go to bed and hopefully things may seem better in the morning.Again, sorry for your loss. Mx.

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 23:59:43

Anything that comes from your mothers side of the family that has been passed on should be yours to do with as you see fit. Anything that was bought whilst she was married to their dad should be divided equally, its that simple.

It really is.

Sorry for your loss.

Northernlurker Mon 12-Sep-11 00:04:52

So Granny isn't their Granny by blood then? You are the only blood relation to Granny?

Ok well 3 rings and three children. You should get Granny's wedding ring. Your dbro can have one of the others to give to his dd and your dsis can have the other to keep or give to her dd. There isn't enough for everybody to have one so just split it the way it will go - one each.

LeBOF Mon 12-Sep-11 00:08:06

Oh love sad. I haven't got any practical advice, but I do feel for you.

Takitezee Mon 12-Sep-11 00:09:30

You poor thing, what a horrible situation to have to deal with and what a great shame your Mum didn't make a will.

Simplistically there are three children and three rings so it would make sense to have one each. I think that you should have her Granny's ring as it has come from your biological family and your step-bro and step-sis can each have one of the other rings.

I don't see why you should have any more right over your mum's wedding ring than the other two as presumably it was from the wedding of your mum to their dad.

DandyLioness Mon 12-Sep-11 00:19:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeeYouNextTuesday Mon 12-Sep-11 00:19:36

For once, I agree with Fabby wink
These family heirlooms should be yours.
Im so sorry that you are going through this, death often seems to bring out the worst in people!
Did your DMum leave a will? Are there executors? In legl terms, if she passed away intestate, Im pretty sure that as her actual daughter, you are her next of kin and inherit everything. To do with as you choose.

cat64 Mon 12-Sep-11 00:20:34

Message withdrawn

piprabbit Mon 12-Sep-11 00:26:10

I had a close friend whose dad and aunts had fallen out over who got which rings when their mum. They never spoke again.

Please don't make any hasty decisions, take your time and be kind to each other.

poormesomemore Mon 12-Sep-11 00:30:21

Wills - yep she left one but to do with house(s)/money etc didn't include funiture/tinkets/jewlry. Me and DSis are the executors (as we were for our dads will)
DBro and DSis are my half-siblings (though we hate the term) not my Step-siblings. We share a Dad not a Mum.
None of us knew DMums granny she died 5 yrs before my parents met (they met when Dsis was 8 and DBro 11)

DandyLioness Mon 12-Sep-11 00:44:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 12-Sep-11 01:12:19

You are the only child of your mother's marriage to your father?

Your 'sister' and 'brother' are your mother's stepchildren by virtue of a previous marriage to their father?

Your father is deceased and your mother sadly died recently?

If you have answered yes to the above questions , you are therefore your mother's next of kin in law and, in the absence of any will or signed document to the contrary, your mother's estate including all of her personal goods and chattels passes to you in its entirety and you are under no obligation whatsoever to share or otherwise give anything that previously belonged to your mother or father to any other relatives.

In this instance, I am firmly of the opinion that the items of jewellery that your mother most cherished including, but not limited to, her own and her grandmother's wedding ring and the diamond ring she was given to celebrate her 50th birthday, should be retained by you and handed down as heirloom pieces to your dds at a time of your choosing.

Unfortunately, at times of bereavement it's not uncommon for greed in some form or other to rear its ugly head and I suggest you tell your stepbrother, stepsil and any other party who is crass enough to impose on your grief that you intend to defer any decision as to disposal of your mother's jewellery collection until a later date.

I am so very sorry for your loss and I sincerely hope that you will not rush, or allow yourself to be pressured, into making any decisions that you may later have cause to regret.

ZacharyQuack Mon 12-Sep-11 01:16:09

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Does SIL want two of the three rings for her DD? That isn't fair at all. Is her DD the oldest granddaughter? (just trying to understand SIL's possible justification)

The idea to put all three rings, and perhaps other jewellery in a safe place for a few months is a good one.

I agree that the wedding ring and your granny's ring should go to your two daughters. Can you negotiate with your brother, not your SIL? It's not really got anything to do with her. Is there any other jewellery of significance that you can negotiate with? Can your sister have a word to your brother and let him know that you are upset about this?

MumblingRagDoll Mon 12-Sep-11 01:16:54

Your Dear Mothers personal jewellry should all go to you. No question. If you wnted to give something to the others and it sounds like you would, then that would be nice but it's not something which you should HAVE to do. So sorry. You will feel better in the morning...come back and tell us how it's

ZacharyQuack Mon 12-Sep-11 01:17:18

Or what izzzy said.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 12-Sep-11 01:19:53

Crossposting. I now understand that your late father married twice and that you are the child of his union with your mother.

Are you sure that your dm's will refers only to disposal of her property and money as it is customary to include a clause relating to household goods and chattels>

If the contents of her home and her personal effects are excluded from your dm's Will, the above advice applies - you are your dm's next of kin in law and automatically inherit the remainder of any of her estate that is not subject to her Will.

ScaredyDog Mon 12-Sep-11 01:28:53

Oh gosh, if I've read this right and you and your DB and DSis share a dad but not a mum (ie, your dad was their dad too, but they have a different mum) then absolutely your mum's jewellery is yours!

I have a half sis, and I adore her mum (mine and DB's stepmum) to absolute pieces, I love her. But if anything happened to her, all of her jewellery would go to little sis, not to me or my brother.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 12-Sep-11 01:31:05

Frankly, your sil should butt out. As you've said, she and your dbro and dsis will inherit, or have inherited, from their dms/dfs.

Given that you are her dearly loved one and only natural child, the items that your mother most treasured should be yours to cherish along with your precious memories.

CeeYouNextTuesday Mon 12-Sep-11 01:57:25

My beloved Grandmother passed away about 10 years ago. Before she died, she gave me, as the oldest grandchild, the two rings that she always wore. I felt bad, because I have a sister, brother and 3 cousins. Not one of them argued or complained, and the executor of her will made sure everyone was given something special. When my cousin had her first baby, I gave her the nicest ring. I did this, because it was my choice.
These items are legally yours, to be disposed of or not, at your discretion.
My advice would be the same as you have already been given. YOU take the jewellery, and put it somewhere safe, and tell your family, that when you are ready, you will decide what to do with it.
Someone really needs to tell your SIL to butt out. This is none of her business.

mynewpassion Mon 12-Sep-11 04:42:15

You made an agreement on the jewelry prior to dividing it. Everyone agreed to it so I would stick with that.

Frankly, you should have said that the jewelry is yours and the furniture and other stuff can be dispose equally.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 12-Sep-11 05:26:47

As I see it, any agreement you may have made with regard to dividing your mother's jewellery between yourself and your stepsiblings is provisional and not legally or morally binding, unless it was documented in writing and signed by all concerned.

In addition, it seems that you have effectively been coerced by your sil into making decisions about your dm's treasured items when you are in a particularly vulnerable state of mind so soon after losing her.

You are entitled to change your mind and, in this case, I firmly believe that you should ensure that you do nothing in haste to either please or appease others.

In addition, if you are applying for Grant of Probate, your dm's household goods and chattels, together with personal items such as her jewellery, may form part of her estate and you may need to obtain valuation(s) for tax purposes.

Until such time as probate is granted, it would not be appropriate to make any firm decision as to how you wish to dispose of your dm's most treasured possessions.

iscream Mon 12-Sep-11 06:09:17

I feel you should get the rings, as she was your mother, not theirs.
I am so sorry for your loss.

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