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AIBU to just want to get the hell out of here?

(112 Posts)
smallmotherbigheart Sun 11-Sep-11 22:48:58

my brother is 37 and mentally ill. I respect that he has an issue and I mostly stay out of escalating situations, but sometimes I can't help but think that my mum allows him to get away with murder and I get impatient, then angry and end up having a one on one confrontation. He starts throwing his weight about and Mum chips in before he may or may not do anything to me.

He always accuses my mum of things. My mum is 66 years old and needs a break. He doesn't help around the house at all, ignores me when i ask him, even if im very very polite. My and mum do all the cooking, cleaning and obviously I have a small son to look after. He won't even push in the chair at the dining table once hes finished sitting on it. Won't clear his plate, won't even move it from the table.... just gets up and goes back to his room.

On top of that he makes an astonishing mess around the house. He has no regard for other people's needs and will happily eat my sons food (he has asked him many times if he can have his food even though he has just eaten). He will if ask my mother for her food too, he doesn't do it to me because he knows what I will say. He also has no regard for other people's privacy and I have found him in my room and my mums room a number of times going through things. He listens to our conversations when we are on the phone.

Another thing that bothers me is that he is so respectful to my ex, who was violent to me but cannot demonstrate the same level to my current partner who is lovely to everyone. He ridicules me when I'm trying to teach my son things, he's called me trollop, slag and all the related terms.

The other day he brought porn into the house, which he knows we are against because my son lives here. To take the piss he has a flat of his own but refuses to live there. Instead he says I should leave. I know he is mentally ill, but I really lost my temper on him today, because I only asked him to turn down his radio. He had been shouting really badly at my mum, my son was crying and when he went back to his room he played his music really loud, all i wanted was some peace. I asked nicely and he spoke to me so badly that I just lost it, he got up in my face and yet again my mum jumped in. Im sorry this is so long, but what can i do?? I dont earn enough to move out and im studying at uni.

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 22:51:48

Move into his flat or find a place of your own so you do no thave to deal with it.

You would be entitled to social housing if you are a single parent and it wouldn't take that long for you to get it either.

smallmotherbigheart Sun 11-Sep-11 22:53:32

if i move into his flat and he objects???

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 22:54:12

Ask him if you can move in, why not its available he doesnt want it, but you will be entitled to a council place of your own if you apply, the wait only be about three months.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sun 11-Sep-11 22:56:31

Really Fabby? Why's that? I thought that if you already had somewhere to live then you have to wait years and years and years and even then there was no guarentee?

Crosshair Sun 11-Sep-11 22:56:42

I would apply for a council house as fabby suggested.

Crosshair Sun 11-Sep-11 22:58:06

My friend got her mum to write her a letter saying she was kicking her out or something to that effect, so she could get a council flat of her own.

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 22:58:22

If you are a single parent with a child and living with a parent in a parents house you are priority as they expect you to have a home of your own.

Top of the list for those in that situation.

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 22:59:12

Besides that it is not the greatest environment to bring up her son in either with the brother there. I doubt the brother should have social housing if he has it because he is not living in it so should really give it up.

smallmotherbigheart Sun 11-Sep-11 22:59:58

yeah its an eight year wait in my area. i think social housing differs from area to area, but newham is saturated with people who are in need of it. I just want some peace to be honest

smallmotherbigheart Sun 11-Sep-11 23:00:51

he has a council flat and he's not using it at all. just stays here

squeakytoy Sun 11-Sep-11 23:01:31

As crosshair says, get your mum to say you can not live there, and she is making you homeless. The council will find you a place to live.

I appreciate your brother can not be completely responsible for his behaviour, but your priority has to be your son, and it sounds like a bad situation for a child to be raised in.

BluddyMoFo Sun 11-Sep-11 23:02:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sun 11-Sep-11 23:05:00

If you are a single parent with a child and living with a parent in a parents house you are priority as they expect you to have a home of your own.

Really??!?!?! Where do you live? I am in London and here as long as you have a roof over your head you aren't offered anything else. A friend of mine was in the same situation and lived with her mum with her dcs and they said she had no chance. In the end she did the letter thing saying that she was being kicked out so after about a year they offered her a temp place in a hostel.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sun 11-Sep-11 23:05:28

BluddyMoFo She's already said she can't as she's studying.

HerHissyness Sun 11-Sep-11 23:06:19

Move into his flat, if he objects, tell him to move back into it!

squeakytoy Sun 11-Sep-11 23:07:55

We are in a london borough and my stepdaughter was offered a flat within a week of being made homeless by a parent.

Crosshair Sun 11-Sep-11 23:09:41

I would be worried about moving into his flat, thats if he would even allow it. You could make it into your home for him to decide he wants it back on a whim.

BluddyMoFo Sun 11-Sep-11 23:11:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfWitches Sun 11-Sep-11 23:12:00

Don't council tenancies prohibit subletting? You may run into problems if you live there instead of him.

aren't there rules about council accomodation? has to be where you actually live? He's taking a home away from someone who needs one. That's not fair.

He's daft to be paying for a flat he's not using. oh - if he's on HB for a flat he's not actually living in - won't he be in trouble there too?

smallmotherbigheart Sun 11-Sep-11 23:12:16

BluddyMoFo - I think you misunderstand. If I wasn't here who would my mum turn to? I don't burden my mother and I'm not a problem to her. If I was i would completely understand your reply. However I don't understand what you are implying. Times are definitely hard but despite everything I have been through I regard myself as a credit to my family. I seek to make things better, and I have already said that most of the time I am not involved. So if you want to discuss bickering you need to talk about my mum or my brother, not me. I posted on here because of the concern for my son. You're simplistic attitude towards it shows no regard for anyone's feelings or situation and you seem to think that its ok for my mum to be going through all of this.

Very irresponsible and I don't appreciate it

smallmotherbigheart Sun 11-Sep-11 23:15:03

and no I'm not giving up uni- I've have practically finished despite everything and I'm proud of that. It was certainly not a luxury because I worked hard for it. And, as you may have noticed nowadays theres not too many jobs going round that will pay the nursery fees and the rent. So i expect you want me to get housing benefit?

Plus, you need to recognise that providence is only an issue in the sense that my son is not provided with a peaceful atmosphere. Where are you coming from exactly??

BluddyMoFo Sun 11-Sep-11 23:19:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumdrivenmad Sun 11-Sep-11 23:21:25

SMBH just demand the keys to your brothers flat off him and get him to transfer the tenancy over to you. He should not have a council flat if he is not using it.

Claw3 Sun 11-Sep-11 23:24:42

YANBU to wanting to get the hell out of there, how do you plan on doing it though?

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