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over the top but its my fault DS doesnt listen

(25 Posts)
HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:02:39

ok so DS started back to school last monday. its his first week of full time school. he has been a little sod since. i have tried to be tolerent and considerate that its a big change and he's gonna be tired etc but...
its like he cant adapt to the change and is being naughty because of it. yesterday he climbed on the bath to reach the cabinet above and emptied the shampoo over the bath, toilet and floor. he told me he was having a number 2 so id left him for 5 to do so and quickly hoovered the lounge. went up, seen what he had done, gave him a row and put him on the naughty step for 5 mins.
today he has been in my bag and smeared my lipstick over the lounge wall whilst i was upstairs changing DDs nappie and DP was making their breakfast. again he had a row and was put to sit on the naughty step for another 5mins.
we were all sitting at the dinning table when DD started playing up and wanted to get down from her highchair, because she was making noise DS said "DD if you dont shut up, im going to stab you with a fork" i was horrified and asked where he had heard such a thing he said a little boy in his class says it all the time. so i told him that its not nice and nobody will want to be his friend if he says things like that. he apologised to his sister and finished his food.
now he has found a pen which had rolled under the chair and have drawn over the walls (he sits behind the arm chair in 'his den' )
because of this DP has gone mental he's had enough, marched DS upstairs to his bedroom taken all of the toys out and left him there screaming. i thought this was over the top and went to put them back but it has now ended up with DP saying its my fault that DS doesnt listen because im too leanient? AIBU to tell him that its over the top to do that? i didnt say it infront of DS.
i am supposed to be going back to work next week but after seeing DPs form of telling off im wondering if he can cope.

my next solution was to have a word with DS teacher to see if she can tell DS how naughty it is to say and do things like he has, and perhaps by his teacher telling him off he wont do it again incase i tell her? his teacher is lovely and i know she would have a quiet word, but DP reckons if i go to her then she'll label him as a naughty child and wont give him as much encouragement in school because she'll never expect any more of him.
i've told him what a load of rubbish that is, but now he's saying he's having no involvment in it and is going to leave EVERYTHING to me from now on.

sorry such a long post and a lot of he said she said but i just dont know where im going wrong or what to do sad

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 13:08:11

Remember that whilst at school it is very disciplined and they HAVE to behave, so when they come home they are going to be naughtier than they were previously, it is so strict they have to contain themselves.

I think after his previous bouts of naughtiness taking all his toys out of his room was the next step. It is not too harsh at all, he needs to learn that naughtiness will not be tolerated.

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 13:08:49

Teachers are only interested in what they do at school, how they behave out of school is not of their concern and trying to involve them in that is wrong.

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:10:01

i know i am a bit more of a soft touch than DP :s

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:11:47

the teachers have always been great and any probs u want them to talk to the kids about they will. but still i really dont think they would 'label' him!!! x

Madlizzy Sun 11-Sep-11 13:12:08

Hand over the discipline to his teacher and you're effectively saying that you can't deal with him in his eyes. I think your DP was right to put him in his room without his toys. He's had warnings and has still been destructive. The naughty step hasn't worked so maybe a loss of privileges will.

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:13:48

yeh i know, you're right! i need to man up a bit lol x

squeakytoy Sun 11-Sep-11 13:18:17

I wouldnt say your DPs reaction was over the top. That is very bad behaviour by your child, and taking away his toys, and putting him in a room should be effective punishment? If you think that is OTT, what would you have done instead of this?

Birdsgottafly Sun 11-Sep-11 13:20:09

Fabby- teachers are now concerned with 'the whole child', outside of school always has an effect on how the child is inside, so they happy to give advice. It is part of the teachers code of practice/guidelines, school isn't just about education, anymore, because of the integration of family services.

OP-This might not just be a discipline problem, he may be missing the interaction with you, now he is full time. He may be attention seeking and in some way it works, he gets your attention.

Your DP is right that there should be consequences to his actions, you need to put a plan together, that includes fun family activities, rewards and discipline, this is just one of those periods of change in a childs life that can be hard work.

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:22:42

i was going to stop him from painting this afternoon ? i suppose its the same really as taking away his privileges!
i think im concious of the neighbors hearing me shout at him and scared they'll think im a horrible person sad sounds stupid but if he's naughty they're only gonna hear my side of it when im shouting at him.

Can you talk to the teacher to find out how he is coping at school, ask about the boy who threatens to stab people and get some reassurance that there is nothing more going on for him at school than settling in to a full day and a new routine.

Also perhaps, can you help him run off some energy after school with a trip to the park or something.

Give him a chance to run around outside to blow of steam, have a bit of a scream and shout in the park and the playground (where you won't annoy the neighbours) and work off a bit of energy and let go of the stresses and disciplines of the day at school.

And perhaps introduce a reward chart for good behaviour at home and a new routine that helps him to calm down and relax. And even help out a bit at home.

I think your DH is finding this as hard as you and felt frustrated that you criticised him and feel he can't cope when your methods haven't worked so far either. You need to sit down together and work out a plan to deal with this and then fully support each other in it. You might not have criticised your DH's method in front of your son, but if you had taken those toys back you would still have been showing your son that you didn't support his father or the punishment.

You had to let that punishment stand that time, but talk and agree now about what you both do next time.

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:26:43

Birdsgottafly - its true, he's missing his swimming but i have promised he can go on a weekend (we went yesterday). i ve always tried to get a balance of DS time and DD time then alltogether time. sounds perfect but it isnt its blooming hard!!
i dont want to go to his teacher but if he's having these moments in school (she hasnt said) maybe we could work together? x

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:30:45

takethis- i have a chart but its never really worked cos this is quite new but its an idea to try it again! when we get home from school we have a drink then we walk the dog down the woods (oposite our house) its a 20 min walk to and from shool!!!!
me and DP are going to talk i have apologised to him aswell its just so frustrated trying to get that balance

x

Hatesponge Sun 11-Sep-11 13:32:21

Starting school full time can be really hard for some children, it could be that tiredness is playing a part here, that he's missing the time he normally spends with you and jealous of your DD who is still with you all day, or that he's picking stuff up from other children in his class.

You and your DP do need to agree on a strategy though (to include not just sanctions for bad behaviour but rewards for when he does good things), because if your DS senses that you're divided about how to discipline him, he will pick up on it. I think it's worth having a word with DS's teacher - she may tell you he is behaving brilliantly at school, or that there are a few issues. Either way it can be helpful to know what he's doing, and you should explain this to your DP. You don't have to approach it saying to the teacher he's behaving badly at home, just say you wanted to be sure he was settling in ok, how is his behaviour at school etc.

I would take toys away but I wouldn't send him to his room as punishment though, that's just me. I am something of a soft touch myself smile

HelpImOuttaMyDepthHere Sun 11-Sep-11 13:35:51

thanks im going to have a word with his teacher on monday just to see how his first week went smile i need to sort it all out before starting work smile x

Hatesponge Sun 11-Sep-11 13:38:21

Another thought, after starting school I used to find my boys had lots of excess energy at weekends, they started going to football training on Saturday mornings, 2 hours of running round a park with a ball and 20 kids their age used to help burn that off grin Maybe something like that would help, doesn't need to be football, could be another sport, dance, gymnastics etc - also could your DP take him (hence also building in a bit of father son bonding time)

Madlizzy Sun 11-Sep-11 13:45:13

Just wanted to add - make a special effort to notice when he behaves positively so he gains the right kind of attention.

aldiwhore Sun 11-Sep-11 13:56:04

Its week one, and though the behaviour is unacceptable, my opinion/advice would be very different if this had gone on for a long time.

He's still settling. Obviously you need to address it, rather than just say 'well its your first week, carry on' but I wouldn't WORRY too much about it. Stick with what you'd usually do in naughty situations.

The whole first year of school is a massive social adjustment to children but most do settle!

My sons' teachers are interested in what's going on at home. It helps them, their information helps me (my son is a DIAMOND at school, a bit of a bugger at home) - many of the school's tactics can help at home as well.

Purely for consistency, we put my eldest on a 'traffic light' system (not actually tied to actual traffic lights, though it was tempting) as that was the stepping stones to 'punishment' that school used... it worked a treat. He never got past amber. Basically its a traffic light, and a sticker (we used a fridge magnet) good behaviour and they're in the green, a bit wobbly they're in amber (and on a final chance/last warning) and red means no priviledges... what they are is up to you, but on RED, my eldest got no TV, no Friday sweets, no Wii, until he was back in amber, and then it was very limited.... in GREEN, he didn't get spoilt, but its the expected state, so usual rights, treats and priviledges applied.

For truly superb behaviour, a month of Green for example, we'd go bowling, or to the cinema, or he could whatever he liked... we only used this system for half a term, as it was needed. We haven't done it since, but would reintroduce it in a flash.

Sorry for long post!!

HughJarseJr Sun 11-Sep-11 14:01:09

i expect he laughs at the naughty step as much as i would at that age

he knows that he will be off it in a very short time, so there is no long term consequence

why bother to behave, its way more fun misbehaving with no consequences

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 14:04:52

I doubt he is having these moments in school its a disciplined environment, if there was problems you would know about it. I found that mine played up more after school due to being in such a restricted environment during the day, and all mine done was got on my nerves nothing wrong, never wrote on walls or anything ever.

RosemaryandThyme Sun 11-Sep-11 14:28:24

yes I think he has out-grown the step idea - even Jo Frost doesn't recommend it past about 3 / 4.
other ideas here sound good, linking to school system sounds fab - will give that a try here, good luck

blackeyedsusan Sun 11-Sep-11 14:30:21

earlier to bed, more cuddles and kisses when he is good. praaise the good behaviour, snack as soon as they get out of school.

children are often completely exhausted by school and some of them kick off because of this. it should settle down in a week or 2 but rear it's ugly head towards the end of half term... when exhaustion is setting in again.

aldiwhore Sun 11-Sep-11 14:34:26

We've been doing the snack at pick up time then off to the swings and slides for 20 minutes, tea in the slow cooker so its ready as soon as we get in, an hour's chill out then bathtime, bed routine.... early!

My eldest is 7 and way over the time out step, BUT he does get sent to his room for time out, same principle but I don't mind if he reads for 7 minutes... and its stops me going spare. My eldest's best working 'punishments' are the denial of his favourite things for a day.

InvaderZim Sun 11-Sep-11 15:16:06

Have you made him wash the walls etc? It's demanding work and a great punishment for stuff Like thus, learning that you have to make amends. He should alsobe apologising for threatening your DD in a real eye-contact sort of way. He's old enough for that!

Remember to tell him that his actions are naughty or that he has made a bad choice, not that he is a naughty child.

mumeeee Sun 11-Sep-11 16:20:17

I think you DH was right to do what he did. It is not over the top.

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