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to not want to find out the sex of my baby?

(89 Posts)
Saj30 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:07:11

This is our first child, and I do no want to know the sex of the baby. However DH is insisting he does, but I don't want anyone to know. AIBU?? [CONFUSED]

Saj30 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:08:31

sorry should have been do not want to know... think I need some food... again smile

Casmama Sun 11-Sep-11 12:10:30

You're carrying it, you get to decide in my view. He can insist all he likes but I would say if you don't want to know then don't let him find out either because it will be almost impossible for him to keep it a secret. I didn't know either and it was a lovely surprise.

Saj30 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:17:00

hi Casmama, He's got a huge family (7 sisters) and I know once he knew he'd tell one and inevitably it'd reach my ears.

My sister in laws also think I should find out, and me politely smiling and saying no doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

I'm worried he'll ask the midwife and she'll tell him.... I reall do think its one of the last few surprises left in the world

ExpensivePants Sun 11-Sep-11 12:19:46

The sonographer won't tell him unless you are in agreement. The most they might do is stick it on a piece of paper in an envelope.

Tough one, there's no compromise really.

pootlebug Sun 11-Sep-11 12:19:55

If he finds out - you'll find out. Not necessarily because he tells someone else who tells you, but just because it will be very hard for him to be convincing in disucssions about names etc and is bound to let something slip in some way, I think.

We haven't found out either time and don't plan to this time either.

Firawla Sun 11-Sep-11 12:21:06

I think if you really want the suprise he will have to wait, this one should be the mother's decision,as its not like he is never going to find out just has to wait a bit longer, so he needs to deal with it really

LadyOfTheManor Sun 11-Sep-11 12:21:24

We didn't find out and haven't this time-dh is dead against and I'm happy to wait and see!

Tell everyone else it isn't there baby and to piss off.

diddl Sun 11-Sep-11 12:22:45

I didn´t want to know & neither did my husband.

Why does he want to know & why do your SsIL think that you shpould find out?

Does he really want to know or is it family pressure?

If family pressure, tell him you´re his blöödy family & what you want is more important than what his sisters want!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Sep-11 12:22:51

Good time to have a bigger conversation. When the baby is born there will be a lot of moments like this where he thinks one thing and you think another. Time to find out how each other feels in advance and also how you plan to resolve any disputes. 'Insisting' tends only to lead to bitter arguments.

troisgarcons Sun 11-Sep-11 12:22:56

Can I ask why you don't want to know?

From my perspective, it waasn't common practice with my eldest to tell the parents the sex. Because I'm a bit anal - I found it difficult to stack up on nappies etc as they are sexed and everything was bought in mint green or lemon.

Life was a whole lot easier the following year when it became standard practice to tell parents, knowing the sex.

hairylights Sun 11-Sep-11 12:24:36


LadyOfTheManor Sun 11-Sep-11 12:25:10

I don't want to know merely because the baby is assumed.

Everything will be bought in pink or blue, a name will be decided and the baby's whole future will be mapped out according to gender.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 11-Sep-11 12:25:18

even though i knew the sex, they can still get it wrong.

so i only bought white and creams as i was convivnced i would be the one they got wrong

Saj30 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:25:44

He thinks I'm incapable of making any sort of rational decision as i quote "your hormones are all over the place" and that I am being selfish by preventing him finding out. Am I being a bitch? sad

Am very tempted to tell everyone to piss off, feel like there is unsaid pressure already to have a boy and certain individuals (dh,mil) will be dissapointed if its a girl sad

Honeydragon Sun 11-Sep-11 12:27:49

The sonographer won't tell him without your authority.

On the whole UANBU..... but if you aren't sure and don't think it would ruin the experience, discuss it further with dh. Make sure the decision you finally make is yours and not a reactive one against pressure from outside forces smile

FWIW at my scan I would've found out anyway with dd as she was sat there with legs akimbo for all to see hmm grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Sep-11 12:28:11

Of course you're not being a bitch. All that's happening is that you don't agree. That's why I say you need to have a conversation..... a marriage should be an equal partnership, not one person bullying the other and calling them names until they give in. He doesn't sound like a very nice person tbh

Talker2010 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:29:39

I am being selfish by preventing him finding out

He does realise that he will eventually find out doesn't he

Unless their are medical reasons I have never understood why anyone would want to know

Can he explain to you why it is so important that he knows now?

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 11-Sep-11 12:30:53

now he is being an arse

He thinks I'm incapable of making any sort of rational decision so you can't make decsions on the pain relief or to have the vitamin k injection after birth of the baby.

Purplebuns Sun 11-Sep-11 12:32:45

Look if you really don't want to find out, then don't. You will find out soon anyway, the extra pressure and expectations are really unfair, your the one having the baby not your mil and sil and them being disappointed if it is a girl is awful!

CustardCake Sun 11-Sep-11 12:33:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TallulahBetty Sun 11-Sep-11 12:35:10


I'm 29+3 with our first and we've not found out - however we both agreed on this so it was easier. He will find out when it's born, whereas once you know, you will never 'un-know'. So in my opinion he should wait like you are going to smile .

Besides which, are you sure that the hospital will definitely tell you? The decision may be taken out of your hands if your hosp won't (ours doesn't - it's their policy). So you'd have to pay for a private scan anyway x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Sep-11 12:35:58

Incidentally, you have to make a stand on this one. If you give in then my prediction would be that your life as a new mother will be made a merry hell by MIL, SILs and DH all conspiring to tell you how to feed, when to wean, sleep routines, discipline..... Why are they so keen on a boy? Sounds very old-fashioned.

killercat Sun 11-Sep-11 12:36:03

It's a surprise whenever you find - be it 12 weeks, 20 weeks or when born!!!

And unless you behave like those parents from Canada who refuse to tell anyone the sex of their child, people will categorise him or her anyway and they'll buy you either pink or blue after the birth rather than now! wink

In my opinion, the best thing to do would just act against the stereotypes and there's no reason why you can't start that now when you have the time and energy before you have a newborn too.

So say you find out it's a boy. I don't think there's any need to go all out and paint nursery punk just to emphasise it, but you can do it neutral or funky unisex and when idiots say "oh you'll have lots of football" etc, you can start saying "we'll just try and help him find his own interests and passions and encourage them, whatever they may be."

Casmama Sun 11-Sep-11 12:36:08

Ooh thats made me really angry. Okay what you have to do is say to him that you have made your decision and you are sticking to it selfish or not and he will just have to suck it up. Then start every midwife appointment and scan with the words "I do not want to know the gender of my baby so please keep it secret if you possibly can"

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