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had a big row, dont know if Im wrong?

(24 Posts)
MeorH Sat 10-Sep-11 23:05:50

DH and I been together since we where 14/15. 2 DC 12 and 7, I brought up dc1 witout H. H had his youth, smoking weed, spending time with friends etc, I didnt have this for a while coz I was looking after ds whilst living with my parents, (they didnt help)

H got his quals, he studied whilst I looked after dc1, he still had a social life.

Tonight, he has said Im lazy (tbf, I am a bit lazy) we have had drink, I told him I carried the responsiiblty whilst he was being a teen, hes had a go at me for not having a job, I have tried, which he admits, but since I have been a SAHM to our 2 dc Ive had no experiance, (dc1 born when I was 16) I have quals now, but no job since no experiance.

Hes stormed to bed, we are normally very close, I feel very hurt that hes thrown this at me, hes lived his teen hood, and got quals whilst I gave up everything to care for our dc1.


MeorH Sat 10-Sep-11 23:06:47

Should add, H and I moved in together from when dc1 was 2, hes took full parental responsibibly since then.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sat 10-Sep-11 23:13:16

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. You haven't had the opportunities to study and get experience like he has, if you would like to do that then he should help support you in that.

MeorH Sat 10-Sep-11 23:19:07

Thank you. Means a lot.

corlan Sat 10-Sep-11 23:19:24

YANBU - nice for him to have his freedom for those 2 years while you did all the hard work.
However, that was 10 years ago, if he's been a good father and partner since then, it's probably time to let it go.

I wish you luck finding a job.It's really tough at the moment.

Tomorrowslookingfine Sat 10-Sep-11 23:23:03

YANBU can understand why you would feel hurt about him saying that!
Hopefully he will apologize in the morning if he can see how unfair what he said was.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay Sat 10-Sep-11 23:24:06

I don't think YABU...but I'm not entirely sure he is either...
Obviously you did the lion share in the early years, and didn't have the chance to work..if he begrudged that he needs a slap!

However if your youngest is 7 and has been at school for 2 have had 2 years to GET experience/qualifications... voluntary work, offer to help in school etc... to make yourself employable. Honestly it can be done. I volunteered at school and am now a TA there.. no previous experience, but I got my face known...

Ask him to support you in becoming employable/job hunting.. seek out voluntary work...

MumblingRagDoll Sat 10-Sep-11 23:27:02

YANBU it can be hard to forget the old hurts. I think it's really important to move on...both of you. What are you qualified in? There is a real shortage of work at the moment everywhere anyway.

MeorH Sat 10-Sep-11 23:33:21

Thanks smile As soon as dd was in pre school I got down to studying, a diploma in clait being my main achievement. He is very hardworking and I'd love the chance to have a job and be someone other than wife/mum. I have been prepared to let the past lie, but I'm very hurt he's decided to chuck stuff back at me. Yes I made my bed and I am very prepared to lie in it, but bringing up a child at 16 was bloody hard, (not that is change it for the world now) but still, I suppose I feel like he doesn't appreciate that I carried him for 2 years and enabled him to live his young life whilst I did the growing up.

Argghh I dunno...

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sat 10-Sep-11 23:33:49

You say that you are a bit lazy but sometimes I think that laziness can be a smoke screeen to hide low self confidence.

It must be really scary the thought of going out and getting a job for the first time after so many years of being a SAHM.

I haven't had a full time job for 6 years and I am terrified of going back!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sat 10-Sep-11 23:34:27

diploma in clait

What's that?

MumblingRagDoll Sat 10-Sep-11 23:36:32

Something to do with IT eyebrows

Nods Knowingly

MumblingRagDoll Sat 10-Sep-11 23:37:34

What kind of work would you LIKE to do OP?

BobblyGussets Sat 10-Sep-11 23:41:54

If you are doing the full time job of parenting and want to be a full time Mum, you would want to be around for the reception year of school for the youngest. You have only had an extra year or so at home and you weren't doing nothing: you got a diploma.

Your DP is being unreasonable and after bring up a child at 16, with a parent and co-parent bringing in an income, you can tell him you will get a job, but are perfectly within your rights to refuse a shelf stacking job scenario.


blackeyedsusan Sat 10-Sep-11 23:44:13

clait is some sorrt of computer qualification thingy....

<vague memorries of doing something like that back in the days of stem driven computers... >

blackeyedsusan Sat 10-Sep-11 23:44:33


MeorH Sat 10-Sep-11 23:48:11

Oh god I love you lot (in a name changing regular BTW).

Yup clait is an IT thing, is like to be a receptionist etc, I'd really like to be a police officer but I'm too fat, although I do volunteer to the police as a role play actress.

Thanks so much for understanding me, you are correct, I have incredibly low self-esteem I just need help to feel that I can be someone.

MeorH Sat 10-Sep-11 23:48:46


LineRunner Sun 11-Sep-11 00:30:28

OP, I think you've been amazing.

How about looking into civilian jobs with the Police to start? That's all they're recruiting for at the moment, mostly, anyway. Or desk jobs with other emergency services, or in the public sector. Get your confidence up.

Hope your DP can give you practical support - he does realise that your working outside the home means more work at home for him, right?

Good luck smile

lisad123 Sun 11-Sep-11 00:38:38

i think he was very unreasonable to throw it in your face and be rude about it, however, you said you moved in together at 18 and he shared the responabilty since then, and that was 10 years ago! At 18 you could have gone back to college, trained up and gone out to work if you really wanted to (im not saying its easy, i have been there), so in some ways you are partly to blame. If you want something, go out and get it, dont let your own feelings about yourself stop you. Im sure you'll do great.

TidyDancer Sun 11-Sep-11 01:39:40

I agree with LineRunner. I think you've done an incredible job (yes, the word 'job' is deliberate) and you should be very proud of yourself.


AMAZINWOMAN Sun 11-Sep-11 07:52:49

Maybe he is worried about finances and wishes there was more income at home? Is he stressed in work at the minute and wishes he could have free time when the kids are in school?

There are always two sides to an arguement so maybe he is tired of being the sole provider?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sun 11-Sep-11 07:57:54

lisad123 I'm not sure she could have. She was 18 with a small child, no qualifications at the time, no help from parents and a DP who was in education and was also having a social life. Would have been really hard I think.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Sun 11-Sep-11 07:58:58

Are you sure you're too overweight to be in the police? I would imagine there are guidelines for BMIs etc for that job. What about being a PCSO?

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