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To consider going on my own?

(19 Posts)
AwayForChristmas Sat 10-Sep-11 10:16:16

Background : H and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 dcs, both still young. I am from another european country. Most of my family is there bar my parents who decided to come and live near me and the dcs.

My parents are going back to our country every other year for chirstmas, mainly so that my gran can spend christmas with family (They have a 'rota' with other family members).
I have always said I want to go back there too as my gran is getting old (over 90yo) and I never know if I will have the opportunity to spend another christmas with her 2 years after. I also want my dcs to have the opportunity to experience christmas there (slightly different ways than here) and remember it.
On the other year, we spend chirtmas here and he has 'free reign' to organize christmas with his family as it suits them. It usually means we spend the 24th with my parents and the 25~26th with his.

H is, once again, refusing to go. Doesn't like the travel, planes too crowded blabla. In 12 years he has been to my country 4 times, twice before dcs, twice at christmas (but has always been a battle).

AIBU to say this year, I don't care, I am going to spend christams with family. You decdide what you want to do (stay here or spend christmas with your W and dcs)

plupervert Sat 10-Sep-11 10:19:21

Why not? But make sure he has a special weekend with the DC, and then one with you, to "make up" the time you missed. Just so the "free time" isn't a treat for him. wink

Takitezee Sat 10-Sep-11 10:21:02

YANBU. Your dh is being incredibly unfair. Not only do you all get to see your gran at Christmas but the children get to see the rest of the extended family and experience a different way of doing Christmas.

AwayForChristmas Sat 10-Sep-11 10:48:59

I am going away once a year if that to see family. I know that he sees that as a 'treat' for him. 2 weeks with no dcs!!

Each time I am going back (christmas or not), there are some issues. It's just feels like he thinks the fact my family is abroad is an inconvenience. He isn't family orientated, I am. I also had about 20 years when I couldn't spend christmas with my parents as they were overseas (so I was seeing them about 1 week a year). I do cherish the opportunity to spend christmas as a family even more now.

Talker2010 Sat 10-Sep-11 10:52:56

I would go but I would take the children too

AwayForChristmas Sat 10-Sep-11 10:55:00

Oh God, I woud take the dcs of course (and I don't think he would fancy looking after them on his own for a week anyway sad)

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sat 10-Sep-11 11:09:35

I think you should go. Your DH is being incredibly selfish ... Unless you are from Kabul or somewhere similar!

If you don't go and your gran were to die - God forbid - I think you would really resent your DH. You should take your dc and go this Christmas. If he refuses to go then tough luck. I don't believe in spending alternate Christmases with his then her family - too grief! - but you should let your extended family see the dc and let them see what your Christmases were like when younger.

Go book flights now!

Gluttondressedaslamb Sat 10-Sep-11 11:35:59

Yanbu, your DH is! Perhaps he thinks that because you have your parents living nearby that trips back to your own country are not such a big deal. He is totally WRONG.
This isn`t just about Christmas - from what you say in your post he is always reluctant to go to your country. Maybe he feels a bit foreign and out of his depth when he is there, maybe he doesn`t understand the language and feels excluded? Whatever the reason, this is not an excuse for depriving you of precious time with your grandmother and other relatives - you`re only asking him to go for a short holiday, not live there permanently!
I think it is important for your children to experience Christmas in your culture, understand where their Mum comes from, it`s part of their cultural heritage. It is also important for you to go back to where your roots are.
If your husband doesn`t understand how much this means to you, make it clear that you will go with or without him, but would prefer to go with him. the ball is in his camp, but you are going !

HairyGrotter Sat 10-Sep-11 11:57:11

YANBU, your DH is.

I would go, hope you and the DC's have a wonderful Christmas with your family, sounds exciting

Crazybit Sat 10-Sep-11 11:58:38

YANBU Just go. It is only fair, your DH is being mean.

OryxCrake Sat 10-Sep-11 12:28:30

YANBU. I think it's important for you and the DC to go and spend time with your family with or without your DH.

It would be great if he could understand why you want this to be a trip for the whole family but personally if he doesn't get it I would leave him at home and go anyway.

Given that you do the whole alternate years thing, he is being unfair and a bit spiteful by the sound of it. Better for him to stay home than to come and ruin Christmas by moping and moaning.

Have a lovely time!

AwayForChristmas Sat 10-Sep-11 12:56:19

Thank you. Until now I have always gone the line of 'Poor him. So difficult, can't understand the language blabla'.
I have enough tbh but was wondering if I wasn't a bit unreasonnable to do so.

garlicnutter Sat 10-Sep-11 13:02:38

YANBU smile I think he sounds a bit spiteful, too.

I'm tempted to say leave DC at home - he gets time away from them already, when you go on holiday - but obviously the deciding factor will be what's best for the kids on this occasion.

Happy Christmas!

Gluttondressedaslamb Sat 10-Sep-11 13:12:42

You will enjoy it better without him if he`s so reluctant. My circumstances are similar to yours, and many a visit home to my parents has been ruined because of my DH moaning. And he speaks the language fluently at that!
Your DH can spend the whole of Christmas with his own family, it`s not as though you would be leaving him on his own. Book your flights and enjoy yourself!

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sat 10-Sep-11 13:13:34

YANBU Your DH is being a selfish twat.

Does he ever go abroad for holidays?

Rowena8482 Sat 10-Sep-11 15:40:01

Go with your DCs and if he comes too, well and good, but if not shrug. Don't get into fights with him about it, or he'll just dig his heels in, just make plans, books up for you and the DCs and tell him at each stage so that if he wants to come too, he can. It would be awful if (God forbid!) your gran passed away before you and the children got one more Christmas with her.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 10-Sep-11 16:49:01


There's no issue here. Of course you should spend the coming Christmas holidays with your dgm.

If you won't be travelling with your dps, book flights for you and your dc now; if your dh changes his mind at a later date he'll most probably have to pay a premium - pre-supposing there are seats left on your flight.

Apart from any other consideration, it is in your dcs best interests that they should become acquainted with the customs and culture that are part of their heritage at an early age.

dreamingbohemian Sat 10-Sep-11 17:05:15


This is all part of marrying someone from another country. I'm really shocked anyone could be such an arse about it, that's quite selfish.

aquashiv Sat 10-Sep-11 17:11:28

YANBu go and take the kids. he will miss you am sure

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