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To not be sure if I want to be up the duff?

(11 Posts)
ashtangini Wed 07-Sep-11 10:46:28

I'm 41 and have one DS - 18 mths. I have always been a bit ambivalent about having another child, on the one hand enjoying my work and life with one and not wanting the stress, hard work and chaos of two. On the other hand, thinking that a sibling for DS would benefit him and in the long run we'd be a more balanced family. Ideally, I'd wait another couple of years but at 41, I don't think I necessarily have a couple of years. DP is keen for another.

I'm CD23 today and I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant from a random post-holiday, lots of wine sh*g. I know it's early days to be so sure but I know my cycle pretty well and this would be my 3rd pregnancy. Over the last 2 days I've had signs that can only mean one thing. I'm shocked because it took me ages to get pregnant with DS and I've only had my periods back for a few months now since BFing and they have been so odd that I've been convinced I'm peri-menopausal.

AIBU to feel so ambivalent? I am terrified about the prospect of a newborn and a two year old. I'm terrified about the money side of things, the space in the house, losing my job and my yoga practice which I've only just really got back into in the last 6 months. My last pregnancy was really complicated and my body really suffered.

At the moment we can leave DS with a grandparent and have a night off. We can take him most places and feel like we have a life that is not totally ruled by children.

With two DCs will I ever have a life again? AIBU and thinking it's all about me when actually our family will really benefit and lots of people would love to be in my position. Help!

Minus273 Wed 07-Sep-11 10:52:29

Its not unusual to have feelings like that when you fall pregnant. Your emotions get even more mixed up by hormones. You don't know for sure you are pregnant yet so try not and stress too much you should be able to test soon. You can have a life with 2 children, obviously it becomes more complicated but you can.

Have you spoken to your DH/DP about it? You should have as much support as possible.

limetrees Wed 07-Sep-11 10:57:04

Well mine are 5 and 3 and I have dropped them at school and preschool this morning. Here I am mumsnetting grin. Life is chaotic when they are a baby and 2, but it is temporary.

(I am just mumsnetting as a break, I have been sorting loads out now the house is child free!)

ashtangini Wed 07-Sep-11 11:06:11

I haven't mentioned it to DP yet, I was planning to wait until next week when I'd officially missed AF.

I know people do this all the time but I'm really worried we're not going to cope, financially, mentally, emotionally. I guess I'd just like to fast-forward a few years when they'd be through the toddler bit. Am I better off "getting it over with" now, when we still have nappies etc around or would it be better to take my chances at 42 or 43. eeek.

eurochick Wed 07-Sep-11 11:55:43

I think waiting another couple of years at 41 would be a bad idea. If you want your child to have a sibling, this is the time, imho. You will cope. People always do.

WilsonFrickett Wed 07-Sep-11 12:00:43

Two closer together is harder work at the beginning but easier as time goes on IMO. You know that your fertility does decrease sharply once you're in the forties as well. And I don't necessarily think that you'd cope 'better' in a couple of years, there would still be stresses, strains and compromises, just different ones.

But it's up to you and OH. And you've had a shock. Take your time to think through what you want and to process this news before you start jumping ahead.

rosiemama Wed 07-Sep-11 12:16:45

i have 2, youngest is now 8 months, and while the first few months was tough i love it now. and when they are older they will entertain each other so i'm hoping i will have MORE time for me, and therefore more to life..

only you can make the decision, but i think it is easier to get the toddler years over with at the same time, than go through it with one and then start all over again with another. its nearly as easy to change 2 nappies as it is 1 as you have everything you need to hand and can just do one after the other.

good luck xo

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 07-Sep-11 12:23:45

My feeling is that if you have one, two wont kill you! (in a nice way, not being sarcastic)
I have 2 with 3 years gap, and it was quite nice really. Now they are teenagers, Id love them to be babies again.

MissBetsyTrotwood Wed 07-Sep-11 12:33:23

YANBU to be ambivalent. It's a healthy response imo. You've being realistic about the pressures you might face.

There are some things that can be planned for and sorted out before the baby comes. There are others you can never plan for and you will deal with on the hoof.

There will be life after two so close. Take that from someone who has spent the last four years getting misty eyed over having her life not totally ruled by small kids... and now it's a bit closer with the start of school/nursery etc is feeling a little scared about it!

flootshoot Wed 07-Sep-11 14:15:28

If it helps, I felt terribly unsure all through my pregnancy with DD ( to the point of regret/guilt towards DS). She's 6 months now and I wouldn't be without her. In fact a little part of me would love a third! You'll be fine.

scrambedeggs Wed 07-Sep-11 14:17:37

you'll cope, the vast majority do

you'll just make it up as you go along, like we all do

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