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To ask if anyone could just "talk" to me...

(72 Posts)
IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 06-Sep-11 19:13:17

I think I'm suffering from depression. I realised this when I began crying on the tube for no reason on my way home from work. DH is out and I don't want to worry my parents or friends, I desperately need to keep my head clear and know I need to speak to the gp in the morning.

The symptoms:
A nagging sense of anxiety at all times, panic over stupid things. Stressed at work and yet i can't focus on the simple tasks that would resolve the stress.

I've had this voice in the back of my head telling myself that I'm a failure, everything I do is crap, life isn't going to get better for weeks. I can't rationalise it away.

Last week DH was away and I cried literally every night. Not missing him. I don't know what. I had a cry on the sofa every night with the cat on my lap. I threw myself into cleaning the flat to make it nice for his return and then on Sunday I felt this cold dead lethargic grip around myself. I got it into my head that I don't love him anymore. I couldn't enjoy his returning. I can't bear to be touched.

I cried yesterday morning when I got up. I felt so slow and numb it took me three times longer to get ready. I cried this morning when I got up. I spent an hour crying and I was late for work. I cried in the loos. I cried on the train on the way home. When I'm not crying I feel numb.

...it's depression isn't it. It's so strange, on paper everything in my life is going well. I had depression before, a few years ago, but then everything in my life was going badly.

I know this reads cold. I'm trying to think systematically. I have a habit of making stupid decisions when I'm depressed or low.

I think this all sounds really cold. I am trying to think systematically. I'd be so grateful for anything anyone could say.

StealthPolarBear Tue 06-Sep-11 19:14:43

hi
nothing to add but here and reading,. sorry you are feeling as you do.

ViviPru Tue 06-Sep-11 19:14:55

YANBU. It doesn't read cold - just really honest.

I don't want to worry my parents or friends

Worry them. Its what they're there for.

RhinestoneCowgirl Tue 06-Sep-11 19:15:53

I think if you tell the GP what you've written down, that's a really good start.

This is you taking the first step to getting better - asking for help, and that's realy important.

RandomMess Tue 06-Sep-11 19:16:02

I can't really help but get thee to the drs tomorrow.

Any chance it could be hormones making you feel particularly worse this week on top of a milder depressive state. Or it could just be severe stress.

I get like you describe but don't do the crying thing which is actually bad as I just push it down really really deep.

<<hugs>>

magicmelons Tue 06-Sep-11 19:17:17

Oh talk away, it sounds shit. Talk to your DH and then go and talk to your GP. Depression is an illness, your not bothering anyone.

Can i ask how long you have felt like this? Sometimes we have short periods of depression caused by hormones etc, could it be this? Your not pregnant?

IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 06-Sep-11 19:17:34

I'm scared of going to the GP. the time before when I was depressed I went. I was given a third-line antidepressent. I didn't sleep for three weeks and then injured myself quite badly one evening in a stupid accident/incident. I don't want to go back there.

magicmelons Tue 06-Sep-11 19:18:10

You have insight into your feelings OP which i have to say is a very good sign.

magicmelons Tue 06-Sep-11 19:18:57

*you are blush

Tchootnika Tue 06-Sep-11 19:19:06

It sounds exactly like depression, IHeart, as does your guilt about being depressed.
It's good that you've started this thread, though - good that you've recognised it and written it down, and you'll probably get good advice.
All I can say is see your GP ASAP: whether you get talking therapy or ADs (and I hope you're offered at least one), at least it'll be addressed.
Good luck and all best wishes.

IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 06-Sep-11 19:19:10

I'm definately not pregnant. I've been feeling this as a low mood for weeks and weeks.... I think since late June. It's been building up since I got back from holiday at the beginning of the month. I sometimes feel low just before my period, but this isn't in cycle with that and its very different - not grumpy lowness. Panic lowness.

hadagutsfull Tue 06-Sep-11 19:19:10

Agree with ViviPru - you really must speak to family and friends. They would probably be upset to think that you've been feeling like this and not told them. You need to speak to them and your GP, really.

schroeder Tue 06-Sep-11 19:19:24

You do sound depressed to be honest, I'll talk to you if ya like, but you are probably better off talking to a professional, maybe samaritans tonight and GP tomorrow.

What do you want to talk about?

TheORIGINALWoofLady Tue 06-Sep-11 19:20:25

Well done for identifying your feelings, and yes, print this and bring it with you, sometimes it's hard to describe it face to face.

Can you see another GP? And tell them what happened on the last set of ADs you were on?

RedRubyBlue Tue 06-Sep-11 19:20:58

Yup - I think you have answered your own question. It is depression.

Get to the doctors and phone a friend. How would you feel if a friend/family member was going through this alone and didn't tell you?

The quicker it is acknowleged the quicker it can pass.

Nip this in the bud now.

[Sends a very UnMN hug and a matey punch on the arm to make up for it]

talkingnonsense Tue 06-Sep-11 19:21:30

It sounds like depression, and it is awful. Please ask for help, as it is not your fault. Go back to the gp, I am on citalopram and it has really helped. Keep asking for help, remember most people genuinely like to help others out. The mental health board here is also very helpful.

magicmelons Tue 06-Sep-11 19:22:14

Well then its really important that you go back to your GP and that you explain the situation last time and that the meds they gave you didn't suit you. There are lots of options you know, not even just meds counselling and support services too.

IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 06-Sep-11 19:22:49

I dunno what I want to talk about. Just anything. I am too tired to cry anymore. I need to keep my thoughts straight so I don't say anything stupid to DH when he gets home. This morning when I was crying I thought I was going to tell him that I'm leaving, and I'm worried I'm going to. Not because I want to but because I can't judge the words coming out of my mouth. If it's written down I can judge better.

IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 06-Sep-11 19:23:55

Thanks everyone, by the way. You are much appreciated.

Glitterandglue Tue 06-Sep-11 19:24:43

Sounds like it could well be depression. The good thing is that you're aware you have a problem and you need help. Knowing that probably won't change your mood but thinking about it ought to distract your thoughts a bit away from negatives. If you can recognise yourself getting into that cycle of depressive thoughts, try to identify other things to distract yourself (films you get really into, music, chatting to someone, so on and so forth) so that it can pass quicker.

Might I also suggest giving The Samaritans a ring? 08457 90 90 90 - it's only just over 1p a minute after 7pm from a BT landline, and some local branches have local numbers as well. It might help just to have someone to actually speak to who's trained to listen.

knittedbreast Tue 06-Sep-11 19:25:12

i know what you mean.

do you ever feel like "if i just do this, or get this done" il feel better and it will go away?

neighbourhoodwitch Tue 06-Sep-11 19:26:59

Big big hugs to you; that black hole feeling is diabolical and one can only understand it having been there. I am so sorry. Forgive me if this sounds glib, but it will pass. Loads of hugs xxx

IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 06-Sep-11 19:27:10

knittedbreast, yes. All the time. And then I don't do it and feel worse, or I do and I feel the same.

I don't about calling the Samaritans. I'm not at critical need tonight, I just need to keep things in focus. Also the landline is down and I can't find my mobile. Win fucking win.

toddlerama Tue 06-Sep-11 19:28:04

That sounds horribly familiar. It is depression and you don't have to stay under it. You must go to the GP. Print this out in case you can't articulate it as clearly when you are speaking (I just cried and couldn't explain myself for quite a while....). They will have other options for you if you didn't get on with the last ADs. There are so many different ones to try as well as counselling and the relief of knowing that something is being done about this and it is not permanent. You will come through this in the end. That voice you are hearing is wrong wrong wrong and you will see this in retrospect. Be brave honey. Posting this is a good start to recognising that this is not who you are. It is a separate illness, not your personality.

Glitterandglue Tue 06-Sep-11 19:28:45

Just read your post about worried what you might say to DH but writing down it easier. Might it be an idea to write him a letter before he gets back? Just so you can let him know what's going on for you at the moment and that you may not really mean what you say right now. You could just hand it to him when he returns and tell him he needs to read it before you can speak to him.

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