To get fed up with DH leaving stuff EVERYWHERE!(121 Posts)
DH is a messy person by nature, but he is just taking the piss at the moment. He leaves cups, plates, wrappers and packets wherever he has been using them. Today this meant a half-drunk mug of tea on the dining table, 3 glasses in the living room and about 6 next to his bed, plus 2 crisp packets on the living room floor. Shoes and coats are left wherever he takes them off. Clean clothes and dirty clothes are all in one heap on the bedroom floor. There is a pile on the dining table of his "crap" things like work paperwork, a brochure he ordered, random bills of his etc. Furniture in our bedroom is piled high with things of his that he doesn't put away, everything from his passport to a pair of flip flops of his. He played football last night and his bag complete with a sweaty top thrown on top in in the kitchen, it was smack bang in the doorway this morning.
It's getting now so it really is out of control; I have a young toddler and it's hard enough to do housework as he gets up to allsorts when i'm busy, but in order to clean the house I have to tidy DH's crap away first, it takes ages. I have tried putting everything of his down by his side of the bed, explaining that I needed it out of sight to keep the house tidy and he retaliated by putting loads of clothes by of mine that he'd got out of drawers and cupboards in a heap by my side of the bed, even getting tags out of the bin for a pair of shoes I'd bought and throwing them on there too. He put DS to bed last night and just left the dirty nappy in the bedroom. Wet towels are again just left wherever he is when he finishes using them, whether that's on a living room chair or on the bannister or the hall floor.
I'm totally fed up with it, I'm very assertive and do tell him to put things away but he doesn't and won't. The house just feels like it's a mess ALL the time because he won't put things away. Even our 2 older children keep their rooms reasonably tidy and clean.
Another thing he always does that pisses me right off is as soon as anything needs doing, for example the kitchen needs cleaning after dinner, he goes "to the toilet" and sits on it for 45 minutes playing Angry Birds. He does this sometimes at the kids bathtimes and bedtimes too, just disappears into the downstairs loo. If I say can he be quick as X or Y needs doing, he says "Oh so I'm not allowed to go to the toilet now" and is really childish.
I just don't know what to do; I am a SAHM and am more than happy to do the housework/washing/ironing/cooking but not to be a servant cleaning up all his junk.
Was he like this before you married him?
Don't clean his football kit whatever you do. Just leave it where he dumped it.
He goes through phases, worraliberty. He has always been messier than me, but not always this messy and inconsiderate. He seems to be getting worse and worse tbh
Yep don't clean the football kit or indeed any of his clothes until he learns to put them in the laundry basket/wherever it is you put them. Oh and tidy things away and then claim you can't remember where you put them. My mam used to do this when I was a kid and it became so annoying that I eventually started putting them away myself so I'd know where to find them.
This sounds EXACTLY like my DH! We both work full-time and the last thing I want to do when I get home is tidy up all of his junk. He doesn't seem to notice and manages to weave around all the glasses, old newspapers, discarded shoes etc. He leaves food out and when he cooks, it's like a bomb has exploded. Argh!
I am pregnant with our first child and getting really, really annoyed with him for this. I can't offer any advice, but you have my sympathy!
Buy a couple of big plastic crates with lids, and throw all his stuff in there. I did that with DH's stuff, as I was fed up with it. (His mum waited on him hand and foot, and he thought I would, too.)
Cheeseandharps - I moved my DH's clean clothes from the spare room (where he had left them in a huge pile on the floor) onto his chair in the bedroom (where he drops all of his clothes) and he had a tantrum about it.
Also with things like glasses, plates etc, what do you do?
I just think it's disrespectful and possibly passive-aggressive.
It's difficult when the two of you have such different tolerances to mess. I'm not a messy person but my ex was a neat freak and I used to drive her mad. The only advice I can offer is to suggest you try explaining to him, calmly, what effect his mess and behaviour is having on you.
Watching to see if you have breakthrough, because I'm in the same boat, it's infuriating
So you gathered his crap up that he left lying around a placed it at his side of the bed and he retaliated by making more mess and you didnt kick him out then??
Wow you may as well be married to my DP, he is exactly like this, unfortunatly for me he is a mechanic and if I find one more random, nut bolt or screw that has no home but must not be thrown out I will scream! I resorted to boxes by his desk, he can have his little corner of doom and I will drag him from whatever he is doing to put his rubbish in the bin as soon as I spot it.
Unfortunatly the boxes are now taking over and I'm considering putting a bin and a laundry basket either side of his chair for sanities sake!
I'm afraid I have no answers for you, but I do feel your pain!
It's mess. It doesn't matter, but I would say that because I'm really, really messy and I just thank goodness my DH doesn't mind because if he did I'd be out, despite my otherwise general loveliness (!)
He sounds like an entitled prick. His behaviour shows a total lack of respect for you. I'm not really sure what the next step is, to be honest - I'd probably be binning everything that gets left lying around.
Oh, I could have written that OP some years ago.
Shite everywhere! And the disappearing to the toilet thing!
He used to shower and then leave his wet towel on my side of the bed. One I day I moved it to his side of the bed and when he got in and complained I said "I just thought I'd see how you like it"
Once I stopped cleaning all his work clothes and football kit and balled it all up into a binbag. He then stored it all in his car. After a few weeks we couldn't see out the back window and had to ride round in a car stinking of sweaty work and football gear....and he thought that was reasonable. "Stop nagging".
It's not just mess though, is it - when she put his mess by the bed, he took stuff out of her drawers and out of the bin and put it by her side. And he hides in the toilet in order to avoid putting the kids to bed. Those are not the actions of a normal, messy person. They're the actions of an immature, irresponsible git. Does he actually contribute anything to the house?
You are not his mother or his housekeeper-don't let him do it.
Sit him down and have a serious discussion. If he won't change (and you want to stay with him) I would gather it all up in bin bags and put it in the loft every morning. When he can't find it and has to go up and get it he will have to change. Don't weaken-keep it up as long as it takes. If he is acting like an extra child you need to treat him like one.
My DH is a bit like this. I work full-time and so does he. I don't think it's a question of lack of respect, more tolerance of dirt and mess levels. My tolerance is very low, his is so high that he doesn't even see the dirt.
So we got a cleaner (£20 a week which, to be honest, we'd spend on one round of drinks in the pub so not a huge extravagance). I thought - either I can spend my marriage arguing about tidying or outsource the problem. So I outsourced the problem.
I thought my fecking husband went to WORK each morning...I didn't realise he had a second FAMILY! ROFLMAO
I spent the limited free time (just bubs now dc1 and dc2 are at school again) this am b4 picking up dc2 at 11.30am (stupid school has stupid settling in period) picking up laundry for DH from around the house and spare room (currently his domain as bubs is still little) and tissues and plates and food wrappers and various other bits of crud. HAD to get the washing as I couldn't face another melt down when he realised he had run out of clothes again so now have about 6 weeks of back laundry to do, having been fishing down the side of the bed - an unfortunate hangover from my attempt to MAKE him use a laundry basket instead of the entire house.
Sorry - no advice here, have only just found the computer again this am since the clear up.
DH always was disgustingly messy b4 we got together. Sadly his redeeming qualities more than
blinded me made up for it, but it is one heck of a way to live and you have my sincere sympathy. It drives me nuts, especially when he tells me it's a mess because I don't have any systems...I have lots of systems that the other 4 people in the house use - he just thinks he doesn't have to look after himself or use anybody elses systems, never mind do very much else.
It is also
annoying frustrating when his family compliment me on what a good job I've done improving his domestic abilities...
He does help out with the kids more now tho and usually does bathtime for dc2 (dc1 too old to need help now) IF he is home from work early enough, but this is only in the last couple of years.
12 years together and still
saving for the divorce legal fees counting
IME they don't change - and I do point this out to the eldest when discussing the merits of relationships...
whatever about just having different tolerances of mess = taking yr stuff out of drawers etc is just strange... also the avoiding doing stuff withkids to play with phone - what are you getting out of this relationship?
Does he realise he's doing it? I've been 'training' my DH (and yes, I know how awful and patronising that sounds!) for a few years as he really just doesn't see/care about mess unless it's pointed out to him. So I ignore everything else and ask him to make sure he picks up the bathmat after his shower and puts it over the side of the bath, which is only one thing to think about, and he wants to please (!) so he does it...then a couple of weeks later when it's become a habit I casually mention that it would be really helpful if he'd remember to air the bed before he goes to work in the morning and we work on that...
I don't think he realises that I'm training him like a dog but it's working...
on a more serious note - have you had a chance to talk about why he felt the need to retaliate or why he doesn't want a tidier house etc? Is it just different tolerance levels?
behaviour like this is one of the reasons why my ex-dh is now an ex!
He thinks your his mother, not his wife. You need to put his straight.
Although I was initially siding for the mess, what steamedtreaclesponge says is right -the putting stuff out of your drawers etc is strange and and a hostile way to behave.
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