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In thinking my MIL shouldn't be telling me how to spend my free time?!

(21 Posts)
Snufflebabe Mon 05-Sep-11 11:03:52

Hello, first post here....

So, I received an email from my MIL last night. They are going on holiday, and in the email, she asked me to pop in to their house to pick up a card and pressie for our DD, who has a birthday while they are away.

Also in the email, MIL tells me that her other DIL is going to her house to do some bits and pieces, and "maybe you could arrange to meet with her? Other DIL is doing this on MOnday, that on Tuesday, so perhaps wed or thurs. Also, Son and DIL have been asking about DD birthday. I have told them that you are doing something as a family (just the 3 of us) on DD birthday, so maybe you can arrange another time to see them".

AIBU to feel that perhaps MIL should butt out, and if SIL and BIL want to see us, they should arrange it? I feel a bit like we have been spoken about, and I'm pissed off that she feels it's appropriate to ask me to arrange things.

I spoke to partner about the email last night, and said I was pretty pissed off. He is someone who won't say a bad word against his family, but he mumbled in agreement with me, and said just ignore it.

I have arranged for BIL and SIL to visit on Sunday morning, but I just wonder whether I should just ignore the email, or to raise my annoyance with MIL.

Background info - whilst SIL and I get on, we are very different and don't spend a lot of time together outwith family meals (weekly) and family get-togethers. I find her exceptionally hard work, and have such little free time as it is.I have had a year off work for Maternity leave, and return next week, therefore this being my last week off, I am already very busy.

Ok, there it is. First AIBU post. hit me with it!

slavetofilofax Mon 05-Sep-11 11:06:53

YANBU to be pissed off, but I wouldn't raise it with her. She will only say that she was just trying to be nice, thought you might appreciate it or whatever, and it won't help. It will just make things awkward, because she will take it as a critisism of her dd.

Enjoy some peace while she is on holiday.

kelly2000 Mon 05-Sep-11 11:08:00

Maybe she just hopes you will become friends. It could easily be that she finds her difficult and wants her to become closer to the family through the two of you being friends, or she is worried about other daughter in law for some reason . I would not worry about it, if you want to and have time then suggest a meet-up, if not I do not see a problem with ignoring the email.

Fatshionista Mon 05-Sep-11 11:08:25

YANBU but like Slavetofilofax said, I wouldn't raise it with her.

Katisha Mon 05-Sep-11 11:09:53

Does your MIL make a habit of this sort of thing?
If not, why the sudden urge to organise everyone in her absence?

usualsuspect Mon 05-Sep-11 11:09:53

Sounds like she was just trying to be nice

so I think YABU

LRDTheFeministDragon Mon 05-Sep-11 11:12:23

I don't think you should raise it with her either. She may genuinely think she is being helpful. hmm

YANBU to feel irritated though, I bloody would! That note does come across a bit as if she's forgotten you and SIL are not both five and do not need to learn to play nice! If you're not very similar it's fair enough you don't want to meet up.

I agree, if they really wants to know about your DD's birthday they should ring, but why not get your DH to call his brother for a chat?

LRDTheFeministDragon Mon 05-Sep-11 11:13:33

I have to say, I am bemused as to why she's concentrating on you and your SIL to make the families get together - why doesn't she talk to her sons?

Snufflebabe Mon 05-Sep-11 11:21:27

To say her 2 sons are useless at arranging anything would be an understatement. I do think MIL and FIL would love for SIL and I to be great friends, but we are just extremely different. When we are in the same company, we get on fine, but we have very little common ground, which makes it difficult when it's just the 2 of us!

I have no idea why the sudden urge for us to arrange things. Not us actually. Me. Grrrrrrrrr.

clam Mon 05-Sep-11 11:21:31

I think you're over-reacting. Nod and smile. Ignore. Do your own thing regardless.

YouDoTheMath Mon 05-Sep-11 11:29:58

I think she meant well, but I'd feel the same I think. Especially if your SIL is hard work - the prospect of meeting up with someone you know to be hard work is always a painful one.

Deliaskis Mon 05-Sep-11 11:38:49

It sounds a lot to me like she is a bit worried about SIL to be honest. Maybe SIL spends more time than you are aware of with MIL/at their house, and she's worried about whether she'll be lonely when she's away. Could this be what is happening? Doesn't mean it's necessarily your job, or that you have time for it, but that could be why she's doing it. In fact, the more I read what she wrote, the more convinced I am, I think she's asking if you can keep an eye out for SIL.


paulapantsdown Mon 05-Sep-11 11:38:53

Wow what a horrible old cow you MIL is!!! Leaving a present for your child and hoping that that her 2 DILS could perhaps be friends? Pure evil.


ReshapeWhileDamp Mon 05-Sep-11 11:53:09

My mother occasionally tries to micromanage things like this - she thinks I'm incapable of organising my own holiday, etc. But I think it stems from a desire to 'make nice', so smile and nod. Not worth getting het up about, IMO.

ShoutyHamster Mon 05-Sep-11 12:23:40

Micromanaging - the old hen not quite able to let go of those wonderful days when all the kiddies were tiny and it was up to her how they all spent their time...

YANBU, but unless she is generally interfering, she probably wasn't consciously trying to 'make her mark' in any way. And be honest- would you feel quite the same level of annoyance if a friend had said 'ooh, I saw X, she was saying she'd like to meet up, I said I'd ask you to give her a ring...' - probably not, because where inlaws/parents are concerned it immediately makes hackles rise, as you feel parented and immediately feel a need to make it clear that that's not on. I'd feel the same by the way.

So - don't hurt MIL by bringing it up, but most definitely get the point across that emails telling you what to do and who to call will be breezily ignored or treated with vague puzzlement. Maybe a nice email back - 'Oh goodness don't you go worrying about trying to organise us all, you've got enough on your plate! I'm sure SIL will call me if she wants to meet up. Was there a specific problem, does she need to see me? And you don't need to worry about DD's birthday either, we've got our timetable all arranged - ta.'

Note: you don't go reporting back to base when your SIL and BIL are visiting. Subtle distance. And by asking if there's a reason why you should be calling SIL, you make the point that you think it's a bit odd, and when MIL says, no, I just thought it'd be nice...' you get to say 'Oh! Right' in a vaguely puzzled voice.

Hopefully you should get your point across without hurting her feelings.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Tue 06-Sep-11 18:36:33

Christ, your not me are you?!

Yanbu... if I get one more text reminding me its sil birthday, i will not be responsible for my actions! And this the sil/bil that forget their only nieces birthday

Micro manage the mil, and tell her your far too busy to deal with all thats, to get her SON to communicate with his brother!

There's nothing as heartfelt as getting a birthday card from domeone only because they were nagged into it :s

CurrySpice Tue 06-Sep-11 18:37:55

I think she's just being friendly and helpful tbh.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Tue 06-Sep-11 18:56:15

I don't see the big deal. So she hopes that you and SIL will be friends . . . what's the crime in that?! If you don't want to meet up with them then don't. I think you are being very touchy about it. Do you already dislike your MIL or something?

Also agree with whoever it was that said maybe she is worried about the SIL.

create Tue 06-Sep-11 18:56:33

How would you feel if it was your mother making suggestions about when you might see your sister? That's my check for unreasonablemess in a MIL. I find it's often the DIL.... No idea in this case of course because I don't know the history, but if it's not a recurrent theme, then it seems friendly interest.

It's not unreasonable for a mother (in law) to like the idea that her extended family spends time together. Maybe her daughters could do with the company or have said they'd like to spend more time with you and she's trying to help.

or what paulapants said grin

MadamDeathstare Tue 06-Sep-11 19:03:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits Tue 06-Sep-11 19:08:06

She sounds quite sweet to me. After all it is just a suggestion-she didn't arrange it. It sounds like the sort of thing that I would say and be a bit surprised if people took it the wrong way.

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