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To want to drag my son home and give him a good shake

(39 Posts)
honeytoast Mon 05-Sep-11 10:20:45

Past couple of weeks since DS1 (17) has past his driving test he has been having outburst because I havent insured my car for him to drive..

Yesterday I was just said quietly watching TV DS1 ask about dinner I said it will be 20 mins,
then he said could I fill in some college forms and I said leave them on the side and I fill them in, next thing DS1 said "ooh you are so f**king mardy I will take them to nan's" shock and then started banging about...

I admit at this point I did raise my voice and said "Right stop swearing and I said I would do it and stop talking to me like I am something you have trod in"

Then next thing I got an abusive out burst of
"you f**king slag"
"f**k off"
"c**t"
"p**s off"" blush

I am totally disgusted with him and his total lack of disrespect, he has been brought up better than that, how I managed to keep my temper in check I dont know.

He has now packed his suitcase and went to stop and his friends last night, I did go and see him to ask him to come home (as he has got college today) all I got was "p**s off"

So now I really dont know what to do, I dont know if he has gone to college, I just really want to grab hold of him and drag him home but very hard when he is over 6ft

mumblechum1 Mon 05-Sep-11 10:22:46

Blimey.

I'm afraid I would not be asking him to come home - let him live on friends' floors for a few nights till he realises what a nice home he has, and comes begging.

Fatshionista Mon 05-Sep-11 10:25:37

He is 17, let him live on friends floors until he comes around and apologises. There is no way he should be speaking to you like that.

pictish Mon 05-Sep-11 10:26:34

Leave him at his pal's house.
Fuck being spoken to like that....by anyone let alone your own child. Preposterous behaviour!

Let him see where his tantrum over not getting what he wants, the second he wants it, gets him.
He can't go about behaving like that in the world. He may as well learn from someone who has his best interests at heart....you.

He will most likely come home with his tail between his legs.....but not before he issues you a full and frank apology for his dreadful behaviour, and under the understanding that a repeat performance means he's on his own again.

honeytoast Mon 05-Sep-11 10:27:52

Well to be honset mumblechum I didn't really want him to come home but its just that it was first day back at college today and I wanted him to go.

Plus I know when he does come begging he be wanting me to insure the car for him but that wont be happening so I know he will be having more outbursts, and I just think his behaviour is totally disgraceful.

spookshowangellovesit Mon 05-Sep-11 10:27:57

i am with previous poster, to have my child speak to me like that. i would not be dragging him home but kicking him out the door until i got a very humble apology.
he is 17 so if he doesnt go to college etc it is really his look out. blimey cant believe he called you those names....is there something else going on in his life to make him act out so usually?

SheldonsBazinga Mon 05-Sep-11 10:28:05

I would leave him where he is and let him face the consequences of his actions for himself. If he gets into trouble for not going to college then so be it.

I would also put any plans to insure him on hold. He's obviously not mature or responsible enough to be out on public roads yet.

gapants Mon 05-Sep-11 10:28:32

You went to the GFs to tell him to go to college!! Sorry OP but you sound like a pushover, let him stew at his GFs, do not contact him. He will come back, and when he does I would in your position be setting out some ground rules on acceptable conduct in the house.

What are your house rules, what does he do around the house, how much freedom does he have? He has to earn the right to be put on your car- I am imagining that it will be about £1000 to add him, is he paying for it?

mumblechum1 Mon 05-Sep-11 10:29:42

More like £5000 to £7000 if my quotes are anything to go by!

gapants Mon 05-Sep-11 10:31:48

wow-- that much. better start saving now!

kelly2000 Mon 05-Sep-11 10:32:49

leave him, let him stew. When his friends start asking him to pull his weight he will come back. Do you think his friends are going to race around cooking, cleaning etc for him? is he expected to pull his weight at home - help with making dinner etc?

AnotherMumOnHere Mon 05-Sep-11 10:33:49

I'm another one that wouldnt be asking him to come home. I know its a bit offbeam but I'm sure he doesnt do things the minute you ask him to.

Let him sleep at his friends and see how long he lasts there. If he carries on in the same vein the friends will not want him there for long.

As for you putting him on your car insurance - apart from the fact he can lose his temper at the drop of a hat never mind behind the wheel of a car - does he know how much more it would be for your insurance.

Out of curiosity I would be enquiring just to find out exactly how much and asking him (if he returns to live with you) just exactly how he intended paying the difference. Afterall he can't expect YOU to be responsible for the extra and remember even if you did insure him it is only for 3rd Party - well most of them are anyway and I dont even want to think of how much extra it would be for fully comp on someone elses car.

dittany Mon 05-Sep-11 10:36:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps Mon 05-Sep-11 10:37:47

I definitely wouldn't be putting him on the car insurance after that performance. Does he really think that in return for calling you a slag and telling you to fuck off, you'll reward him with the use of your car and that you'll pay for the honour as well?

I'd tell him he wouldn't be setting foot back in my house until he apologised, he wouldn't be getting insured on the car any time soon - and why did he want you (or his nan) to fill in his college forms? If he's capable of going to college, surely he can fill in some forms?

RedRubyBlue Mon 05-Sep-11 10:40:34

No matter what is going on in his life do not take that as an excuse for his appalling behaviour.

DO NOT put him on your insurance until he has proved himself mature enough to handle the responsilbility of a car and make sure he 'pays' towards it whether through money or jobs around the house and garden.

Things very rarely come free in life and I think this is a lesson he needs to learn now.

Does he want to be treated as an adult? He needs to start acting like one.

Poor you - how bloody horrible.

pictish Mon 05-Sep-11 10:40:54

He does sound like a big baby OP.

Pippaandpolly Mon 05-Sep-11 10:49:30

I had a very difficult relationship with my DM at that age and was completely awful to her on numerous occasions. (I know I called her all those things and worse sad) If it makes you feel any better, he probably feels awful. Not that that excuses the behaviour in any way. I still feel dreadful and ashamed whenever I think about it, over a decade on, and we get on brilliantly now. Some teenagers just flip for a little while I think...brains not yet fully developed, no sense of risk, lowered sense of empathy...they can be pretty horrid, but in most cases they grow out of it. It honestly makes me cringe when I think of how I treated my mum; I'm sure he'll be feeling appalling.

honeytoast Mon 05-Sep-11 10:50:10

Like I say the only reason I wanted him home was to get him off for college today not because I am a pushover and I really quite strict compared to alot of the young lads parents round here. But obviously not strict enough

Gpants not gf thank god non of them on the scene but his friends, I went and asked him and when he said "p**s off" I dumped his suitcase that he had packed and left at home.

Spooks - I dont think there is anything else going on in his life I know he thinks he is hard done to and that he thinks his brother is the golden child but they both get treat the same. Maybe its the thought of going to back to college....

I have quite strict house rules that over the summer he wasnt allowed in any later than 12 (as he is 18 shortly) he has list of jobs to do every day when he is at home if he isnt working, if he is working he just has one job to do as during holidays he sometime labours for a builder we know and works at a local farm sometimes too. And sometimes on a Saturday he works glass collector at private functions so sometimes doesnt get in while very late. While he been at college he has been coming in no later than 10.

We were going to pay for his insurance as we got quite a good deal with the co-op but this was restrictions on only being able to have one passenger and not driving between 11 & 6, but that wasn't good enough for him.

I am devastated that he thinks its acceptable to speak to me like that and the more I think about it the more I don't know if I want him at home. He has always been a moody teenager but lately I had been thinking how pleasant he was, how wrong I am.

I am embarrassed that my son actually spoke to me like that.

honeytoast Mon 05-Sep-11 10:54:50

Fliss -He said it was some financal information that they wanted or so he said I have havent even seen them yet.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 05-Sep-11 10:56:52

How would his grandmother be familiar with your finances?

Agree with everyone else that he can stew, and forget the car.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 05-Sep-11 11:02:50

I think you should leave him to face the consequences of his behaviour. He has had a massive tantrum at you, basically. He needs time to realise what a big mistake that was, before you can get together and talk about it.

WhiteTrash Mon 05-Sep-11 11:07:04

Id never had asled him to come home. Id 'let' him home after her appologised and meant it. But hed be out if he dared do thst again.

scrambedeggs Mon 05-Sep-11 11:07:24

jeez, mine would never ever be allowed to use that language to me or their dad

Respect is everything in our house

Pippaandpolly Mon 05-Sep-11 11:11:06

Tantrum is the right word. Teenagers and toddlers are remarkable similar in many ways!

Bear in mind most teens would never speak to a teacher/policeman/stranger/etc like that - they talk to their parents like that because they know it's 'safe' and they're still going to be loved. Again, not excusing it, and think he needs a clear punishment. I teach and look after sixthformers (boarding school) and they would never say that stuff to me but I hear some of them saying it to their parents. It's not because they don't like or love their parents, it's because they feel 100% secure that their parents will not stop loving them, which in a dreadful way gives them carte blanche to behave disgustingly when they are particularly hormonal. Don't be embarassed he spoke to you like that - keep being firm and fair as you are being and tell yourself over and over again that it's a stage and he will grow out of it as long as you are consistent. And like I said before, I am 99% sure that he is feeling mortified and ashamed. He might not say that to you, but he will still be feeling it!

AngryBeaver Mon 05-Sep-11 11:15:22

I was awful to my mum at that age.I did have a troubled life though. An absent father amongst other things. I would never have called her the c word though.That's a different level of disrespect.
Imo, he should have enough of a healthy level of fear/respect not to dare call you anything like that.
Is his father still around? If so what did he think of this?
I really would leave him where he is.
I stayed with different friends at around the same age after a huge row with my mum. It soon got very old. I remember I was really poorly at one stage and my friend didn't give a shit..it was a Friday night and she was off out the door.
I remember thinking then, I wish I was at home with my mum looking after me.
I think some teens have a really hard time figuring out who they are,what they want and how to be/get that.
This is no excuse for him speaking to you like that,however.
I would let him sit it out at his mates (who will also tire of him being in their space and whose mum will probably ask him to bugger off soon)and let him creep home.
I would also inform Grandparents of exactly what he has said to you and that they are to giive him short shrift if he appears there with the sob story.
Get tough.
Good luck.

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