AIBU To look after DS instead of PIL when I go on Mat Leave for DC2(33 Posts)
Hi, I really need to ask for an outsiders point of view on this.
Currently I am 27 weeks pregnant with DC2 and go on mat leave at the end of Oct.
I work 4 days a week and DS goes to Nursery and MIL picks him up 2 x days a week from nursery in the afternoon and has him until tea time (they also expect to see him every weekend too). When I start mat leave my intention was to just reduce DS to 2 or 3 days and I would do the pick ups as MIL did this as I was at work, however this decision has caused arguments between me and DP as he thinks its not fair for MIL not to see SS anymore during the week. My proposal to DP was that as I now look after DS during the week then he can take DS to see PIL at the weekend and they can have him for a sleep over every so often as well. Is this unreasonable?
The background is this is their first Grandchild and he is spoilt rottern (fair enough I can cope with that) they live 5 minutes down the road and they would see him every day of the week of they could (which I cant cope with).
I am very independant, I have always lived away from my family who live overseas or over 500 miles away so they have 'exclusive' use of DS as my parents see him/us around 4/5 times a year.
Our difference in opinion on how much we/DS see's his parents is really starting to effect our relationship. Would be good to hear if anyone can offer any advice on how I deal with this.
You're hardly cutting your son out of his grandparent's lives, if you're offering sleepovers and he sees them at weekends. They can't go an entire 5 days without seeing a toddler? Blimey.
Maybe frame it to your DP as - this is the last time that you and DS will have one on one for a long time, it's special to you and you want to make the most of it.
And if that doesn't work, maybe frame it as 'he is my son and I will be picking him up from daycare so I can spend time with him'. End of discussion.
Frame it as you not wanting ds to feel pushed out for the new baby. Tell them you're worried he will be jealous and he needs to know that you are still his mummy even though you're having another. Ifthey push and push at the boundaries you set then move on to the classic 'no that won't work for us'. You need your dp on side as well, this won't work unless he is.
I understand that you want to spend your maternity leave with your qctual children. You will get a lot of negative responses to this thread though - some people can't see past the free childcare bit and get a bit jealous.
I would take him out of nursery on the days when mil has him, but ask her to still have him over to her's for tea on those days. Trust me, you will appreciate the break when you have another baby. And it would be nice for your mil too.
I think it would be lovely if your DS could go to his nan's for tea a couple of times a week. It would keep some continuity for him
Just to offer the other perspective!
I can totally understand where you're coming from as I'm also very independent and I don't like how involved my MIL wants to be in my life and my DS's life. However over time I've come to see that that has a lot to do with the fact that my own mother is very unreliable and I find it hard to trust people. I'd rather push them away than let them get involved and be let down. I also realise I'm quite possessive of DS probably for the same reason. I have tried to see that MIL genuinely is in love with DS and doesn't want to take him away from me, she just wants to be with him, perhaps nearly as much as I do. I'm trying to learn to share but that's not easy! Does any of this ring a bell with your situation?
Could you compromise? I think it would be very hard for your MIL to go from picking up your DS twice a week to not picking him up at all. Could you perhaps let her do one day? You might appreciate it hugely when you're massively pregnant and pissed off with life! Perhaps think of that time as time to prepare for and get excited about your new baby, a bit of headspace time that you can have to yourself. Don't do housework or anything responsible in that time just spoil yourself and reward yourself for putting your own feelings aside a little and letting a loving granny have her way a little bit.
Am i being unreasonable to look after my own child when im not at work? Thats the crux of it. And no its not unreasonable.
Im pregnant with my dc2 and i'd want to spend as much time with my dd beforehand and will do! My dh's niece went to mil during sil mat leave and continued when dc2 arrived. She kept crying that she didnt want to go to mil or wanted to go home as mummy was at home with the baby. Even 18 months after nephews birth she is still fretful about missing out.
What do you plan when dc2 is here, would you like to keep picking ds up? If so say your starting as you mean to go on. That you are ensuring ds feels included when dc2 arrives and not pushed out etc.
CurrySpice has a point. A lot is about to change for your DS and keeping a level of continuity is vital. Bear in mind he might miss seeing your PILs twice a week even if you don't (i think lots of people can relate to that) and you don't want him to feel like it is in someway his fault he can't have tea with them in the week any more (can be funny what ideas they get in their heads).
I have thought yes it will give me a break if MIL stll has him but as he is in nursery 3 days a week that is when I see me getting a break as I will be home alone.
I suffered with PND after the birth of DS and felt very lonely with just me and the baby (my mum is a plane journey away) so I thought this time by having nursery runs to do with DS it gets me out of the house twice a day on 3 days, on those 3 days I would have quality time with the baby and on the other 2 days it would be the 3 of us (DS is nearly 4 so nice for some company).
Once I have the baby and things settle down and things are going ok I may be more open to week day help with childcare but I just want to see how things go but just feel pressurised by MIL and DP to offer an alternative for taking away the 2 afternoons a week.
How about MIL still picks him up from nursery one day a week.
They sound very pushy by the way.
Hope it goes well for you sequin. I think seeing how it goes when DC2 arrives is a good idea. Try not to stress about it now and see how you all feel when the baby arrives
Does your ds enjoy going to their house?
Instead of nursery 3 days, why not 2 nursery days and a day with GP, you don't lose any time with him and they will be happy.
Lovebeingignored is right though does he enjoy going there?
I think you don't like them much and a trying to be awkward.
Yes DS does enjoy going there and that is why I will ensure he sees them at the weekend instead.
Lucky24 - I do like them, in small doses mind as they are full on! But I just dont want to see them 3 times a week (I see my parents that many times a year) I thought I was being reasonable by still ensuring they have a weekend visit
OK just my thought, but when you only get family days (DH and DC) at the weekend i think you will start to really begrudge spending them both with the MIL. When you want a day at the beach/park/DVD day it will a pain
If he sees them for long visits at the weekend will that not cut down on the time he spends with his father?
I think its unfair on DS and his grandparents, so you're happy to let them do it when its suits you re work but not when you're not. If he goes at the weekend your DH misses out.
Theres also the chance he will resent the new sibling as he will know thats the reason he's no longer going to his grans.
As your parents dont live near maybe MIL is your only sitter, she may change her mind about sitting if you do this.
So what exactly is the problem then? He enjoys it, they enjoy it? He would go to nursery 3 times anyway. Send him to nursery twice and let them have him once a week.
I don't think you're being unreasonable.
Maybe I've got it wrong but at the moment your DS is at nursery 4 days a week and 2 of those days he's at his GP until teatime. So by the time you pick him up you probably only see him for a couple of hours before he goes to bed?
Then he's at GP at the weekend too? That's 4 days a week with his GP and 3 with you? If this is the case then it's not unreasonable that you want to see more of your DS while you have the chance.
If your ILs only stay 5 minutes away could they not pop over to your house once a week to see your DS and the new baby at the same time if they really can't go 5 days without seeing your DS then see him at the weekend as usual?
are they going to look after the new baby as well when you go back to work?
Why not offer them a couple of hours another day? Maybe you could drop him (and in time the new baby) of for lunch maybe one day a week. That way you could get a couple of hours to yourself, your children get spoilt by the grandparents and the grandparents are happy - everyone is a winner.
If you are not working, it makes sense for you to collect your child. You could suggest to them (just to get them to back off for a bit) that you will see how it goes, and will ask for help if you need it.
Otherwise, once a week should be more than enough for any grandparent.
sorry whos child is this . yours I believe .Your child your decision . Oh and by the way I think this is MIL bending DH ear beforehand.
I can see how they would miss having him around, since they are used to having him a couple of times during the week.
Don't compare the times that he is with your parents, and the times he is with your PILs. It is not their fault that your parents live far away, and I bet that when you are with your parents, they spend a lot of time with him, albeit condensed into a few weeks.
Why not do what Lucky suggested, drop the nursery to 2 or 2.5 days and let MIL have him the rest of the time.
I think that possibly you could let PIL have one day after nursery for tea. But YANBU to want to spend some time with you own son.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.