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or am I using my child as a weapon?

(18 Posts)
Scheherezade Mon 05-Sep-11 02:01:14

Have been up for a few hours thinking about this, could do with some thoughts....

A bit of background... my dad (iranian) got with my mum (very much a yorkshire lass). Married, had me. Dad left my mum when I was 1ish, moved abroad. Remarried when I was 7, moved to ireland. I saw him about once a year, if not less. Had on/off relationship with my new stepmother. Seperated pretty firmly when I went to stay with him when I was 13 and he flipped out how I wasn't 'perfect' enough, called me a lot of awful names, disowned me. Step mother killed herself earlier this year - he used her death to get as much sympathy from people as possible - absolutely disgusting, when he was the reason for her misery (she would email me when he was being horrible to her for support, we got on really well).

He is a horrible man. Evil. He had absolutely nothing to do with my upbringing. He has said really really awful things about my mum when I was a young child, and too innocent to realise that it simply wasn't right for a father to say those things about a childs mother. He has been absent my whole life, except he came to my graduation, and was going on how proud he was, told all his friends and showed all the pictures to them. Until I got pregnant unmarried nd he voiced his disgust again. I'm not 35 weeks and have only heard from him once - when he text me to say he had flew into the UK and would be coming to my house in 2 hours time. I replied to say I wasn't in, we were on holiday visiting my mum in Yorkshire (we were), and got no reply.

I visited him when my stepmum died in January, he was his usual bitter, nasty twisted self.

He is, simply, exceptionally proud. He wants to have a perfect iranian daughter to show off to his friends, with zero input. He hasn't even known me my whole life, let alone supported me - never paid a penny CSA etc. If anyone has watched east is east - he's like the dad in that, except without the niceness.

I really, really don't want my son exposed to him. I don't want my son damaged by him, the same way he damaged me. My auntie thinks IAB comp0letely U. DP says I need to do whats best for me, but not to make life hard, allow him to see child, but not left on own. TBH I want to get my own back, show him that he has ruined it for himself, our relationship is beyond repair because of HIM and that he will never see his grandchild.

He knows there's a danger the child might have heart problems, that I've been having scans all the way through the pregnancy to keep check of the babys development, but I've not heard from him at all. I just don't want the baby to be born, and him to expect to turn up and show off 'his' grandchild.

reelingintheyears Mon 05-Sep-11 02:09:51

I'd write him off if it were me.

Not about getting my own back but about what is right for me and my DC.

If your Dad had no interest in you as a child then why would he want to know your/any/ Grandchildren?

You certainly don't expose your DC to GPs who may be harmful.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 05-Sep-11 02:11:12

I think you're being reasonable. What possible benefit could your child derive from being told that s/he was a bastard, hearing criticism of you, its mother, etc?

I understand that part of your motivation is to show him that it's too late, but given that he's never changed, I don't think there's a problem with that. If he'd changed and was remorseful and you were still punishing him, maybe different. But in this circumstance, follow your instincts.

Scheherezade Mon 05-Sep-11 02:20:05

he just thinks he has a right to act however he wants to people. Whilst he has shown no interest in my pg, I have n odoubt he will want to play the doting GP role - or at least, want other people to think that he is.

urgh, he's such a horrible person, can't sleep as this has riled me up.

I am only child, he has two houses - DP wants me to try remain in good books so I don't get written out his will hmm . But yes, I simply don't want him saying the kind of inexcusable poison to my child he said to me as a kid. Maybe I should tell him this first? But then, he's not made any effort to contact me, I don't want to contact him. Maybe I should wait until he does try to get involved with my sons life?

sorry if this seems waffly/strange. It's 2.20am, and I'm having big kicks/braxton hicks!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 05-Sep-11 02:40:38

You've got enough going on in your life to occupy your thoughts - don't allow your toxic father to creep into them and set you off worrying about things that may never happen.

For now, resolve to concentrate on yourself, dp, and your forthcoming ds. If and when your f contacts you again and you're unsure how to react, fob him off and come back here to canvas opinion before you respond to him fully.

Best wishes for the birth - I hope you'll come back anyway with news of your own, and your pfb's, health.

SouthernFriedTofu Mon 05-Sep-11 02:41:11

Tell DH to kiss your dad's ass if he want to get in his will, its not worth it for you tospend another 50 years of miserey for the possibility of you inhereting.

Its not about using your child a as weapon its about making them as happy as possible and that means writing off the poeple who will hurt him. The fact that you get to piss him off is just a bonus

MangoMonster Mon 05-Sep-11 08:28:10

I think you're being reasonable.

Xales Mon 05-Sep-11 09:34:50

You will never be a good enough daughter for this man.

No woman would have been a good enough wife.

It is nothing to do with him being simply, exceptionally proud it is all to do with him being a selfish mysoginistic (spelling?) bastard.

This man has done nothing in your life. He has never been there, he has not raised you, he is not your dad just your biological father.

If your child is born not 100% perfect with a problem (I send you all my wishes that he isn't!) then you will just be a failure yet again to your father as you are incapable of producing a perfect child. He will then not want to know in the slightest.

He hasn't once shown any compassion for your or your child over the chances that there could be a problem. This tells you all you need to know about how much this man really cares about anyone bar himself.

If you want to sell your soul and suck up to him as your P suggests then be frank look in the mirror and admit you are doing it for the money.

As you yourself know though money is nothing compared to a loving family which you are never going to get from this man.

Katisha Mon 05-Sep-11 09:54:53

For heavens sake don't reopen relations with him in the hope of an inheritance.

Scheherezade Mon 05-Sep-11 10:48:24

Thanks everyone, am saving this thread to re-read if he gets in touch. I like your idea izzy!

Thanks MN, have come over all sentimental grin

kelly2000 Mon 05-Sep-11 11:04:03

No you are not being unreasonable. Why would you want your child treated in the same way he treated you.
As for the will, that is not a good enough reason to give him access to your child. If he was horrible to your child and made him unhappy do you want to have to be the one to explain to him that you let it happen for a house. besides which you have no idea what he would write in his will, so he could be as nice as pie and still leave a will full of spite, especially if he disagrees with you not being married.
And if you are ever in front of his friends when he is showing off, I would ask him why he is so proud as he never contributed to helping you go to university etc.

DontGoCurly Mon 05-Sep-11 11:31:52

Please don't 'try to remain in his good books so you don't get written out of the will' -it will cost you much more in stress, anger and your mental health trying to do the impossible task of keeping in his good books.

He is toxic. He sees you as his property. Something to show of when he decides and something to abuse and demonise when you use your usefulness to him.

You're not dealing with a healthy individual who thinks like yourself. He drove a woman to suicide and abandoned another with a one year old.

Keep as FAR away from him as possible. Any money you might get would never be worth it and would bring you no luck anyway.

DontGoCurly Mon 05-Sep-11 11:32:41

Argh!

Should have read:

Something to show off when he decides and something to abuse and demonise when you lose your usefulness to him.

SheldonsBazinga Mon 05-Sep-11 11:43:22

YANBU.

Your baby deserves far better than this poor excuse for a man.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

heleninahandcart Mon 05-Sep-11 12:20:22

YANBU is wanting to protect your children.

YANBU in wanting your father to understand what he did/does is vile.

In this case the two things just happen to coincide. It does not mean you are using your child as a weapon. If he was not vile, you would not have an issue in him seeing your child.

As for remaining in his will, if you wait and see how it does with your DS, you will know the tipping point (if it comes) when you decide he has exposed your DS to his poison and at that point you will know whether even remaining civil is worth it. Is there any chance he will behave differently with DS as he is a boy? This would not negate the hurt he has caused you but it may make tolerating him easier.

AfternoonDelight Mon 05-Sep-11 12:39:28

YANBU

I don't think any amount of inheritance is worth your DS being exposed to someone like that. It's not "using your child as a weapon" if you want to protect them from harm.

RudeEnglishLady Mon 05-Sep-11 12:43:21

My father sounds a lot like your father. I am also an only child. Those boast/despise games they play are hideous and unforgivable. I didn't wait to see how he reacted, I picked my strategy and have stuck with it. No contact on any terms. I also think these men could be even more dangerous to a boy - wanting to influence them into being their idea of what a boy/man should be. I remember how he was always buying stuff for my only boy cousin and ignoring all the rest of us so I just know he'd be a pain if he was in contact.

If DS asks in future I'm going to say Grandad is dead. We live in another country so its very easy to cover up. For all those people who gasp in horror and judge my awfulness, I haven't had the benefit of sound and secure upbringing so I am not as nice or moral as those of you who had. Thats my excuse - I think its a good one. I don't want any part of his anything touching my little boy.

Good luck with your baby and don't let this issue spoil things for you. I was in shreds about this when I was in the 3rd tri, couldn't sleep and crying all the time but its all turned out fine. Focus on the family you do love and are nice to you.

RudeEnglishLady Mon 05-Sep-11 12:43:41

Oooooh YANBU!

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