to send congratulations

[slavetofilofax]

DH and I know someone who got married to her second husband yesterday.

We had a massive falling out with this person about three years ago, and haven't spoken since. She is older than us by about 20 years, and when the fall out happened she told some very serious lies, which caused DH and I a lot of stress and upset for a good few months, and resulted in a close group of friends taking sides with either her or DH.

We were all part of a sporty type club, which was very close to being ruined when DH and the large group of people on 'our side' left. I am still friends with everyone that took 'her side' although I rarely see them now. It's very complicated, but I understand their point of things, and they have no way of knowing who to believe really.

Anyway, I have, in my head, completely forgiven this woman for what she did. She was wrong, but she was hurting, she had just lost her husband (dies from a heart attack) who was very good friends with my DH. She never did anything directly bad to me, I was just guilty of sticking up for DH in her eyes.

This is where I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I have spent the last 20 minutes looking at her wedding pictures from mutual fb friends. I have thought many times about contacting her to just say that I wish her well, but after looking at the picutres I have this overwhelming urge just to say that she looked lovely, congratulations and that I wish her every happiness. Would that be selfish of me to intrude on her happy time just because I have something to say, or would itbe a nice thing to do? Is it just one of those evils of facebook - as I wouldn't be thinking of doing it now without seeing those pictures?

If you've got this far, thank you! Please encourage me to do something nice or stop me from doing something stupid!

[Talker2010]

I was thinking ... just send a card ... why not

Then I got to the bit about intruding ... perhaps hearing from you would distress her and that is not what you want to do at this time

So ... I do not know ... sorry

[mummymccar]

How would your husband feel about it? If you think it'd upset him, best to leave it.

[slavetofilofax]

Talker Thanks for the reply anyway, at least you understand why I don't know either!

[slavetofilofax]

I asked my husband, I wouldn't do it if it would upset him. He says he can't forgive her, which I understand completely, but he doesn't mind that I feel I can. He's lovely bless him, he just thinks the fact that I can forgive makes me a nice person! He said it was up to me whether I sent a message, he doesn't mind either way.

[itisnearlysummer]

I think I'd feel the same way as you.

I also think I would send a very brief message to her. Without knowing how serious it all was, it's hard to say, but I'm sure that most people would receive your kind message in the spirit in which it was sent.

And if not, then there's not much you can do. I'd be prepared for her to not reply though.

Does that help at all?

[HildaOgden]

I'd send a card to say congratulations and to wish her well,but I definitely wouldn't mention that you saw her photos on Facebook,she could easily see that as stalking her and take the hump about it.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I wouldn't. You are feeling all fuzzy and warm because it is a wedding, but she caused your husband great distress, has cost him friends and she has never apologised. Sure, people can do terrible things when they are hurt, but if she is clearly recovered enough to be getting married again, then she ought to be apologising and putting right the harm she did when she was still in the aftermath of grief.

Maybe I'm just not the forgiving type, but I don't think grief is a get out of jail free card when you treat nice people badly.

[slavetofilofax]

Thanks for the replies, you all have good points!

I am feeling all fuzzy after seeing the pictures, but also a bit sad for what we all lost, and that is probably clouding my judgement! There is a good chance she won't reply, and that would make me even more sad probably.

She has recovered enough from her grief to be getting married again, and even that feels wierd because we still very much remember her as her last husbands wife iyswim. She could/should have apologised, but I think she has just tried to forget about that part of her life as much as she can tbh, which is partly why it could well be too much of an intrusion for me to get in touch. I think about her a lot because she is quite like me in many ways. Although I would like to think I would never do what she did, there are a lot of similarities between us personality wise.

[griphook]

Tbh I think you should leave it, unless you want to try to salvage the relationship, part of me thinks you are still holding out for an apology.