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To think let them get on with it?

(14 Posts)
Mitmoo Sun 04-Sep-11 19:25:50

Ex husband has a long history of being a total tosspot to our son, long long history, a week ago he went ballistic at our child who had done nothing wrong, this time personally abusive calling him a useless piece of shit and other obscenities. He hadn't seen him for a month and I had to go and collect him after a half an hour.

Ex has apologised, son put phone down, doesnt want to know, but it is a long running pattern, so son thinks stuff him. Ex is calling 3 x a day and texting but son 14, is ignoring him, he doesn't want to know.

AIBU to think it's up to my son now, if he is that hurt by abusive father, then tough on the father? I'm not going to get involved.

Though I do feel like telling him to stop bothering him until my son is ready to call him.

Empusa Sun 04-Sep-11 19:27:38

YANBU, your son obviously needs some space.

I'd probably not bother telling ExH to stop bothering though, it could aggravate things further.

Mitmoo Sun 04-Sep-11 19:31:05

If it gets too distressing for my son (HFA) I'll tell the ex to leave him alone otherwise I will keep out of it. Even though its not easy

Birdsgottafly Sun 04-Sep-11 19:39:36

Your DS is vulnerable, it's now the time to step in, or your ex will wear him down. You should be waiting for your DS to say he wants to see your ex, i don't see why your allowing your ex to take the lead on this.

It sounds as though the best thing would be is for a break to happen, if only for a while.

Birdsgottafly Sun 04-Sep-11 19:40:57

X post with your last post. You shouldn't be waiting for your DS to get distressed, he has stated his wishes, you should be supporting him, not leaving your ex to bully him into submission.

FredBare Sun 04-Sep-11 19:41:25

didnt we have this thread last week, and the week before that as well .....

i seem to recall you were given lots of advice on both occasions then as well

wishiwasholdingaachinegun Sun 04-Sep-11 19:44:38

Most phone companies will change your number for free if you're getting nuisance calls.

How would your son feel about changing his number, not giving it to the father for the time being and giving himself some space?

Mitmoo Sun 04-Sep-11 19:45:17

birds it is trying to strike the balance between letting a 14 year old make his own decisions and stopping ex from hurting a vulnerable child. My son has his own mobile and ex is using that.

I could tell ex to back off. I think you make a good point though, perhaps the way forward is to talk to my son and agree for me to tell his dad that he will call him when he is ready to talk to him, in the meantime please leave him alone as he is hurting again

It can't be all from me my son has to have some control over this situation too but you're right he shouldn't have the full responsibility of it. Thanks Birds I think you have just helped me to see the middle ground here.

Birdsgottafly Sun 04-Sep-11 19:46:36

OP, the court blocked unsupervised access, you broke that because your DS wanted to see him.

Your ex has proven that he doesn't have your DS best interests at heart, he has put him in risky situations. Your ex has made him miss school and has caused him emotional upset.

Now your DS is saying that he doesn't want to see him, so whats the problem, exactly?

Mitmoo Sun 04-Sep-11 19:49:15

Fred no we didn't haven this thread last week or the week before.

wish It would be a shame to have to change the number just down to the inconvenience of it all, but will put that on the back burner as may have to be an option. But you have given me another idea.

It might be good to put his number on block for now until son is ready to talk to him again.

Thank you wish

Mitmoo Sun 04-Sep-11 19:52:29

Birds just ex calling and texting but I can block those just needed to think the options through.

If I stopped calls some would say I was making my child suffer from "parental alienation syndrome" just needed to get my muddled thoughts out there to make sense of them and make sure I was putting my son first.

I think I need to get my exes numbers blocked, let my son know that is what is happening and he can unblock when he is ready to talk to him. That way he is protected from unwanted calls but is in control enough to unblock the number when he is ready

I just hadn't thought through the options before this thread so thanks.

Birdsgottafly Sun 04-Sep-11 19:53:44

X posted. I know you have tried to strike a balance, i may have come across as harsh.

If anything at least you could use this to move to an agreement with your ex on how your DS is going to be treated, if contact resumes.

Would your DS be open to keeping a diary, how is he working through his feelings? this could be used later for your DS's benefit,to show why contact stopped.

The space will do you and your DS some good, i think. You both need reasurances from your ex. But you need to step in, it is your job to as his mum. Your DS must be feeling very confused by it all.

Birdsgottafly Sun 04-Sep-11 19:58:16

I would make the similarity of an ex emotionally abusive partner who browbeats his girlfriend into taking him back, children go through the same type of feelings with parents who don't act in their interests, except it's harder, bnecause we want to be unconditionally loved and cared for by our parents.

Your ex has proved himself incapable of putting your DS first, you are putting DS first by giving him the strength to say enough is enough, unless big changes are going to be made, by your ex. It is what your DS finally deserves.

Mitmoo Sun 04-Sep-11 20:38:52

Birds not harsh but constructive. Thank you given me a different direction but for me to take control or son too, made me think of some middle ground to support my son and not just leave him to his Dad.

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