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AIBU?

to give my DSs room to my DD?

35 replies

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:20

He is 20, she is 14. He has the small room to himself, DD shares with her 9 year old sister.

He spends almost all of his time either at his GF or at his friends house and for the last 3 months has spent one night a week at home. He is on JSA as he cant get a job due to his disability (not disabled enough for DLA etc but too disabled for anyone to offer him a job it seems [anger]) so I was taking £15 a week from him board but now I only take £5 as he spends the "food" portion of his board on shopping with his GF for when they eat there.

I feel that his sister needs the room more. She is 14 and needs some privacy which is hard to come by in a house with a big family. He is hardly ever here and when he is he gets in late and leaves early. As it stands she uses his room when he isnt here but he kicks off that it is still his room and kicks off big style if she so much as leaves a book in there.

A major issue has been the state he keeps it in. Mess I can handle, but it stank. I mean REALLY stank, mainly of BO and Lynx! And it was making the whole upstairs smell so I warned him that if he didnt clear it out and make more effort with his personal hygiene then I would empty it and he would lose it. Having a GF has taken care of the PH issue but it is still a disgusting shit hole and frankly I dont feel he deserves the privilige of his own room when he treats it like that. Tbh it feels as if he is just using it for storage of his crap!

So my idea is that we clear it out (as threatened), repaint it and give it over to DD but keeping some of the wardrobe and shelving for his stuff. And then put a ready bed in there for when he is here, which I know DD wouldnt mind if it meant that she had the room as her own the rest of the week.

He will kick off BIG style at this, but I think that her need is greater than his. I wouldnt charge him any board btw, if we did do this.

OP posts:

Report

LCarbury · 04/09/2011 19:23

He is 20 and of working age, your 14 year old is not, so fair enough. Having the extra space would be helpful for her school work. I don't know how council housing works but would he not then be technically homeless and able to sign up on the local register?

Flisspaps · 04/09/2011 19:25

If he's there one night a week and you've warned him about the state of it and have already told him that you will give it to DD and he's still left it like a shitpit, then I'd give her the room and not charge board.

I'd even think about putting the wardrobe and ready bed in 9yo DD's room if it's bigger, she probably has less 'need' for privacy than the older DD.

LCarbury · 04/09/2011 19:25

Also, I think do it fully and if he stays over with you he can stay on a sofa bed or inflatable mattress downstairs, and keep his clothes etc. elsewhere. Your daughter should be able to feel it is really her room after the change has been made, not a halfway situation.

LCarbury · 04/09/2011 19:26

x-posted there!

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:29

LC I dont know about the homeless thing, but if the local paper is to be believed then there is a massive council housing shortage around here so I dont think he would stand much of a chance! I am keeping my fingers crossed that it works out long term with his GF as they have already worked out what he needs to earn (she has a job) and what they need to save to get a place of their own!

Flisspaps Its the fact that he has it in such a state that angers me most. He treats it with no respect whereas I know she would. We even change the mattresses over when she sleeps in there when he isnt here as I wouldnt allow her to sleep on a BO stinking mattress. I will burn it after the clear out!

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Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:30

LC thats what OH says but I dont want him to feel that we are kicking him out! He will always have a bed here but the situation has to change given that her needs are greater than his.

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YellowDinosaur · 04/09/2011 19:30

Yep I'd second putting the ready bed and wardrobe for his things in the 9 year olds room.

I can understand why he will be p*ssed off but tbh its not reasonable for his sisters to be sharing a room and for him to has his own when in fact he is hardly ever there. Even if he wasn't totally disrespecting it.

Talker2010 · 04/09/2011 19:31

What happens when he breaks up with his girlfriend?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/09/2011 19:31

What you are proposing doesn't sound unreasonable given that your dss is only spending one night a week at home, but what does your dp/dh (who I assume is his father) think of your plan?

Is your dss looking to get his own place in the near future? Is his disability sufficient for him to be classed as a vulnerable adult if he became homeless?

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:34

Good Q Talker, thats what I have been thinking about and thats what makes me wonder if IABU. However, the threat of losing the room as his own has been hanging over him since before he got together with her, and doesnt change that he treats it appallingly. We have a very large conservatory with a sofa bed in it. Half is the kids playroom, has was my office until I gave up work and is now a general junk store. He suggested turning that half of the room into his space, with the sofa bed etc. It is only accesible by lockable doors and we never need to go in there after the kids are in bed, so that is a possibility I suppose. Even when he wasnt with his GF he was only here 3 nights a week anyway!

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LCarbury · 04/09/2011 19:35

She is a child, he is an adult so she gets priority for a bedroom in a family house. Izzywhizzy makes a good point, would you say DS is a vulnerable adult?

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:35

OH fully supports the idea.

He would probably be classed as vulnerable, we have been told as much by the YMCA, but we had hoped he wouldnt get his own place until he had a job. That is turning out to be alot harder than we expected :(

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/09/2011 19:36

There is a national shortage of social housing, but that doesn't stop councils/local authorities having a statutory obligation to house certain categories of applicants.

If your dss puts himself on your local council's housing waiting list he may then be able to apply to housing associations and other agencies.

Do you live in a city or a large town?

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:36

He has cerebal palsy. Mentally fine, emotionally fine, physically he has some limitations but it fully mobile and self caring.

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Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:37

I dont want to kick him out! I really dont!

I just want her to have her own space and seeing as he isnt using his, that seems to be the best option

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Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:39

He suggested turning that half of the room into his space sorry!!!!

That should be OH suggested turning it into DSs space!

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FredBare · 04/09/2011 19:42

would you treat your daughter in the same way, when she is 20

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 19:44

Yes I would Fred, if she was never here and treated her room as a cross between a bin and a storage unit.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/09/2011 20:00

The solution's in your hands. Turn the part of your conservatory that is currently a junk hole into a 'guest' bedroom that he can use and store his belongings in, and your dds can have their own rooms.

Re the YMCA; if you make your dss 'homeless' (in the technical sense on the grounds that there is no room for him in your house rather than banishing him from your home forever) they may house him temporarily and work with him through the process of applying for, and maintaining himself in, council/housing association property.

The property that he is likely to be offered will be of the studio or one-bed flat variety which is not suitable for families.

If he is unemployed or if he is on a low income, he will entitled to housing benefit and will only be required to pay a nominal amount in rent/council tax if he is living independently.

The alternative would be for you/dh to sub him with a month's rent and deposit for private housing but, in the long term, he will have greater security of tenure if he's willing to jump through whatever hoops it takes to get social housing. IME young people tend to value what they have had to earn or strive for, rather than something that's been handed to them on a plate.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/09/2011 20:04

From what you've said, your dss is a vulnerable adult and I suggest you investigate whether his physical impairment is such that he is entitled to a low rate of disability living allowance - the YMCA can advise you.

Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 20:09

Thanks for the info Izzy, I will certainly bear that in mind.

And he isnt entitled to DLA. He has brain damage and CP but isnt disabled enough. We applied every 6 months since it was withdrawn when he was 7, and appealed everytime and he has never got it back. He wont apply now because a) he doesnt see the point as they will say no, which I can understand and b) he says he would rather have a job, which I applaud :)

Shame he cant show the same attitude to his room really!

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RandomMess · 04/09/2011 20:14

I def think do the conservatory as the guest room for him when he graces you with his presence. My eldest is at boarding school and now "resides" with her Dad. She will have a hissy fit I think when her old room is given to one of her younger siblings but I'm not going to keep as a shrine to her for the maybe 20 nights a year she stays with us! I made her clear it out when she left, we packed up a few bits into boxes that I'm happy to store for her but other than that the room is cleared for the next occupier. Just waiting for the others to get older as it's in the loft.

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Bogeyface · 04/09/2011 22:10

A rather speedier update than I was expecting!

He came back tonight as expected, but rather earlier as his roleplay (yes...I have bred a D&D geek!) ended early. So I spoke to him about it and he was fine! He was great about it and when I laid out the options of conservatory, ready bed or moving out (making it clear I wasnt asking him to!) he said he would prefer the conservatory and offered to help me re-paint his room for DD.

I am really pleased that he has been so adult about this, and ashamed that I thought he would be stroppy and childish about it.

I am really proud of him and how understanding and mature he has been about it, especially when he will be the one who loses out in this deal. :)

Oh, and he didnt ask about whether he would still be paying board and looked very surprised when I said that I wouldnt be asking him for any once the big move around has taken place! I am feeling very proud tonight :)

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FabbyChic · 04/09/2011 22:12

Id give him his own space in the conservatory on the understanding he keeps it clean and tidy.

RandomMess · 04/09/2011 22:13

I love happy endings!

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