to think i'll never leave home ...

[hippyinabusinesssuit]

a little bit of back story ....

i'm 38 with one DD (8). When my marriage broke up five years ago I moved in with my folks (for six months). For various reasons I haven't been able to move out as my divorce hasn't come through and my ex has been a nightmare.

Anyway, finally now we're a whisper away from signing divorce papers and my solicitor has said that as soon as the clean break is signed (which is imminent) I can go ahead and buy a flat.

I've been planning this for so long and now it all seems to have fallen apart. Basically, while I earn a decent living, when I put the numbers on paper and try to figure out budgets etc. it doesn't seem to be enough.

I figure my mortgage payments will be a third of my salary, and my DD's school fees will be another third and then there doesn't seem to be enough left to feasibly live on. I know that some people will say that I should just take DD out of independent school but with all the heartache she's been through over the past few years because of her feckless father, the school has been the one constant and they've really helped her through the rough times. I don't want to take her out if I can help it.

If I move out I won't have any savings and I can't see that I'll ever have any. I don't want to rent and I don't really want to live with my parents anymore.

My parents don't me to go (I think they're secretly harbouring the hope that I'll only leave when I get married again - ha, not likely!) and DD doesn't want to move. The have a fairly big house and my mother has said that I can have the attic room to turn into a sitting room for me and DD so that we have our own space.

If I stay I suppose I can save some money so that I can cobble together a bigger deposit, DD can stay at school, I can finally start paying into some kind of pension scheme and we can have a decent standard of living.

Or I can just go and take my chances. Keep looking for a job that pays more (although I've been looking for 18 months with no luck), eat beans on toast and hope to god the boiler never breaks!

I know the sensible option but I'm just so massively depressed that at the age of 38 I live with my mum and dad. I know I'm really fortunate compared to lots of others but I feel like I left my ex because I was so unhappy and my life was meant to get better and all I've really done is catapult myself back twenty years.

so, (if you're still with me) AIBU to be feeling so despondent? Feel free to tell me I'm being a miserable cow and should be grateful that I have the kind of parents that I do, it's probably what I need to hear .....

[lubeybooby]

Just take her out of the school honestly. It's really not a terrible thing and kids are wonderfully adaptable.

[verytellytubby]

I'd sacrifice the school to have my own place.

[verytellytubby]

Or rent?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Will you not get any money from your divorce? Will your ex have to pay any child support?

Is there any possibility that your parents might want to help pay your DDs school fees?

[TrillianAstra]

Are you in the UK?

Because personally I would never send my child to a fee-paying school if I couldn't afford my own house/flat. Somewhere to live independently would always be a higher priority.

[frazzle26]

I would definitely take her out of school OP. I love my mum to bits OP but I don't think it would work if we had to live together long term, we both like our own space too much. Alternatively, is there anyway that you would have enough to buy a repossessed property?? May mean your mortgage is lower although there could be some renovation costs.

[hippyinabusinesssuit]

I know, I know - it's likely to going to have to be the school to go. It just winds me up so much that if my ex paid half her fees (which was always the agreement) I wouldn't have an issue. But now that he has a new girlfriend and wants to start a family with her he doesn't want to put his hand in his pocket anymore.

He reasons that he wanted her to go to state school so he shouldn't have to pay. An d he doesn't see why he should pay any maintenance anyway as he "never sees her". He lives one street away and I have NEVER stopped him seeing her. And he does see her anyway.

Tosser.

[Portofino]

Are financial arrangements not part of your divorce proceedings?

[hippyinabusinesssuit]

Portfino, I got tired of fighting. It's been five long years.. Anytime the issue of money comes up he starts frothing at the mouth and gets on a plane and disappears for six months.

We sold our house and split the money fifty fifty (which is why i have a deposit for somewhere new) and he currently lives in our flat and we need to get some tenants in and then we split the income. But it's not a huge amount (although it helps I don't like to take it as a given)

[TrillianAstra]

He should pay maintenance in general whether he sees her or not. It's not a payment to see his child. Tell him you're getting the CSA involved if he doesn't start paying a sensible amount.

School fees are expensive though, I can see why he wouldn't want to pay the extra for them.

[hippyinabusinesssuit]

TA - you're right, he should pay maintenance but he won't. And I'd only need £300 which on a salary of £30k doesn't seem excessive. But I don't know what % the CSA use

[redexpat]

What is best for your DD? I doubt she cares who owns the place where she lives.

[Andrewofgg]

Go CSA - access and maintenance must never be linked.

[AryaStark]

The CSA have a calculator which should give a good estimate. They awarded me £30 per week for one DC but that was a few years ago now and I never got it anyway...

Good luck, sounds difficult.

[Cocoflower]

Is the only reason your unhappy living at home because your worried what others might think though?

[hippyinabusinesssuit]

redexpat, that's exactly what my mother said and you're right, she doesn't care and this is the only home she remembers.

Cocoflower, i never thought of it that way but i think you might have a point. Realistically life is not bad here. I don't need to worry about DD when I'm at work and I feel good that I'm near my folks as they're getting older and more frail. Maybe I need to focus on the positives instead of getting depressed that my life hasn't turned out the way I planned.

[Cocoflower]

Well what you could do is decide right now it is more sensible and advantageous for dc's education to stay where you are.

However; this is not forever it is just what is best now and instead plan and excited about the goal to move out once dc is out of education. Then you will not be struggling- and who knows you may get married in the meantime.

There is no need to "accept my lot" but just make a decision based on what is best right now with a mind this is not forever.

In the mean time take up the offer to change the attic room. You could decorate it how you like and have your own space.

I cannot see any major benefit to moving out as your life stands but instead plan for it.

[pizzadelivery]

Hippy, I'm in a similar situation, without school fees though. Don't earn enough.

DS and I live with my mum, we split bills straight down the middle £600 a month each. Is still cheaper than living on our own. DS wants to move out, have money for a deposit but it does mean an apartment/flat instead of a house also having Tivo in bedrooms etc will come to an end.

I'm torn between sharing bills and chores (I cook and clean, mum irons, which I hate!) I have a babysitter if I go out (she goes out more than I do though!)

When it comes down to it I think it is the stigma of living with a parent rather than the actuality.

My only issue is DS, says is bedroom is small, we are looking to move in the spring, mum will have living room so will I and DS, he will also have a larger bedroom, think he will be happy.

Its a really difficult situation and I sympathise, in many cultures this would be a non issue.

[Seepage]

I think I'd stay. More constants in your DDs life. Same house, same people around every day. Babysitters on hand.Everywhere else in the world there are different generations living together under the same roof. You a divide the house, convert the attic etc, while still saving and/or maintaining same standard of living.

[pizzadelivery]

CSA, if you get it great, from experience its sporadic. You are best counting it as a 'bonus' rather than income. My ex works at an international company they do a deduction of earning etc. However the CSA gave my DS's money to someone else for a year and added it to ex's account. Now owes more then £10,000, never going to see it, also have to call CSA every month cos the money gets 'stuck' costs me £10-15 pounds a month in phone bills to get the money DS is entitled too.

Wish we could adopt the American way of stopping driving licences, CCJ's etc.

[RandomMess]

Well if he has a new partner etc he is likely to jet off for 6 months. Go to the CSA if nothing else it will help clothe her! I just used to save all of mine, never relied on it as regular income.

[Newbabynewmum]

I'd stay. You want to, have enough room and are happy. If my mum had a bigger house when I left my EX I'd have stayed with her. Do what makes you happy and is best for you.

[HavePatience]

In your situation, I think I would stay you sound sensible and well aware of the pros and cons.

Like another poster said, in dome cultures, this would be a non-issue.

[HavePatience]

Dome cultures?!
Some, not dome!

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

It would seem obvious that you should engage in the mother of all battles with your ex before giving any consideration to disrupting your daughter's education.

If he is living in a property that you jointly own and which could be earning rental income, he should be paying you half of the market rent in addition to maintenance.

If he does his usual trick of frothing at the mouth at the prospect of paying maintenance for his dc, tell him that if disappears again you'll be clearing the flat out with a view to earning rental income and it won't be available for him to move back into when he returns.

I'm pleased to see that you have got over your temporary 'down' at seemingly being back where you started from as, all things considered, you and dd are in the best possible place at the present time.

If you get the 'back home blues' again, console yourself with the thought that whenever life doesn't turn out as we planned it's usually for a very good reason.