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AIBU to feel like this

(21 Posts)
cheesespread Sun 04-Sep-11 10:30:15

about my weight

im a size 16 and weigh 13 st currently

i was a normal weight as a child i was healthy and active,i danced from been 3 till i was 17,when i was 16 my weight went down to 7 stone and i was stick thin,i had stopped eating,i had a lot of problems at home,my parents were in a violent realationship i was very unhappy,things settled down and i went back to a healthy weight

i slowly put weight on over the years and it went up and up till i was 14 and a half stone ,then i stuck there,im 32 now and have been a 16 for about the past 8 years

i havnt been happy with my weight and have tried weightwatchers,slimming world ETC

i started Zumba a few months ago and have finally realised excersize is the key to me losing weight,dont no why its took me this long to realise ! i have lost a stone and a half

the problem is the negative attitude of my family and my MIL

i have put up with comments from my dad over the years he s calls me tubby and prods my stomach when im at his house,my mum also cant understand why im over weight as she s always been a size 10 but we have different builds and she can eat anythign she wants,when it comes to my family i can retaliate, i tell my dad to mind his own buisness and that he s not perfect,i tell my mum she doesnt no what its like to be over weight as she never has been.

ive been having CBT to try and stop the negative thoughts i have about my body image

ive been with my OH for 4 years we have a 16 month DS,my MIL is a sarcastic nasty woman who says things to me on the sly when no one else is in hearing distance,she has picked fault with my house so many times i dont listen anymore

she has had nasty little digs in about my weight loads of times,last week my ILS were visiting and i went to asda with MIL and DS,she picked up a top off the sale rail and shouted "this will suit you with you been BIG ",i told OH when we got home and he didnt say anything

it was brought up in conversation last night and i told him its getting me down his mother getting sly digs in about my weight,he said i should "get over it and deal with it " as ive had it for years off my family and should be used to it

he s at work today and i feel so depressed about it,he s usually a really understanding and supportive person

i feel like not eating again, i felt really proud of myself for losing 1 and a half stone but oviously its not enough

IndigoBell Sun 04-Sep-11 10:34:07

Ohhh, sounds really tough and horrible.

Can you distance yourself from your parents a bit? If they're being so horrible to you, you have every right to not see them for a bit.

The zumba's working, you've lost a stone and a half. If you keep up with the dance you should be able to lose more weight slowly without having bad dieting problems again.

I think you need to really look after yourself. Tell your OH you need his support, and either tell your parents you need their support - or don't see them for a bit.

And 16 is not big. It might be bigger than you'd like to be. But there's nothing wrong with it. It's just where you are now.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 04-Sep-11 10:36:52

Oh dear. I hope your dh just feels defensive about his mother being such a bitch as that was an awful thing to say.

The problem is not that you're always being abused about your weight so you just accept it - the problem is that you allow people to be rude to you.

I recommend you call everyone on it every time - there have been lots of good challenges talked about on here but one of my favourites is "Did you mean that to sound so rude"? Or "I don't give you permission to be rude about my weight, I'm not rude about your unfortunate personality".

You quite clearly have low self esteem and the other adults in your life are preying upon it - maybe get some counselling to help you reaffirm your boundaries?

Congratulations on your very significant weight loss too smile

2BoysTooLoud Sun 04-Sep-11 10:37:59

Well done for losing 1 and a half stone. Does your mother in law know this? She must have noticed. Is she jealous of you? Think you should try again with your husband as he should at least tackle his mother if she is so rude to you in his hearing.
Again - congratulations. [But try not to get obsessed and lose too much weight as in the past. Be careful].

ChippingIn Sun 04-Sep-11 10:38:33

Nice one DH hmm

What an arse. I would say that even if you hadn't had the other issues with eating and CBA, but to say that to someone who has is really unforgiveable. He should not be allowing his mother to speak to you like that.

I'd be telling him that either he speaks to his mother or you will.

Why are you choosing to spend time with her?

If it helps you any - I'd love to be 13st and a size 16 smile Zumba you say??

Kayano Sun 04-Sep-11 10:40:38

Congratulations on your weight loss!
I'm starting zumba when I've had this baby hopefully.

I like you grew up normal size but my father in his infinite wisdom decided to buy a sweet shop when I was 12 lol

Slush puppy on tap and a chocolate
Bar for pudding every day? Hmmmmm

I lost a bit too but am stuck at 12 st... pre pregnancy

kidsscareme Sun 04-Sep-11 10:44:14

Well done on loosing so much weight - its not easy so be very proud of yourself.

As for the digs, rise above and use it to motivate you in a positive way. You are on the right path so dont let negative people knock you down.

As for DH - hes out of order. He needs to understand that his mum is being a bitch and he should be sticking up for you.

Good luck and try and loose weight the healthy way x

scuzy Sun 04-Sep-11 10:46:51

cheesespread you can always lose weight- but your MIL is stuck with that ugly personality.

say that the next time she has a go at you.... "i can lose weight but you are stuck with THAT face ... now THAT would make me depressed".


and well done with your wight loss. do it for yourself noone else. your doing brilliant. distance yourself from negative people while your getting your confidence sound like a wonderful person.

tell OH how you feel. not excusing him but men reallydont understand how women's body issues affect us.

RunsWithScissors Sun 04-Sep-11 10:47:38

Sounds like your mil will criticise you on anything she thinks will get a rise out of you. Used to be your house, but you ignore it. She sees it isn't working so goes for your weight. Probably has noticed how well you are doing (and you really are, you should be proud!!!), and decided that it would be a touchy point for you. Instead of congratulating you on your successes, these people are trying to undermine them. I think these are usually people with low self esteem, try to bring others down since they can't build themselves up IYSWIM. Don't let them. Next time she mentions your weight, proudly say "actually I'm doing really well, lost x amount and so enjoying the class... How are YOU doing? Any good news to share?" hang in there, you're doing so well!

FabbyChic Sun 04-Sep-11 10:51:03

Hey you have done fantastically, and will continue to lose weight whilst exercising.

Take no notice they are nasty bastards, decent people never mention someones weight ever.

When she says something nasty to you say at least Im a nice person which is more than I can say for you. If your husband won't support you then retaliate in kind with some nastiness of your own. Hey they deserve it.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 04-Sep-11 10:57:10

Glad you are enjoying the zumba- I do tap dancing and I'd like to give zumba a go. Focus on that - the things you enjoy and that make you feel good, and avoid, as much as possible, those people who are so deficient in empathy, and that they say rude things.

the problem is that you struggle to feel good about yourself, and so unconsciously accept that they are justified in saying outrageously rude things to you. This is a vicious circle.

This is the way I try to explain teasing and bullying to my DSs:

the truth is - you are fine - they are gits, certainly in the respect of how they talk to you. People who make comments about other people are holding a "ball of bad feelings" - either they are unsure about some aspect of themselves, or they have been bullied themselves and the only way for them to feel powerful is to bully someone else. So they throw away their ball of bad feelings and throw it to you.

You do not have to catch that ball . You can let it bounce off you, like a force-field. Or you can drop it (ignore it). Or you can throw it back - say something assertive.

But what comes first is the belief that you are fine and they are wrong. If you need to keep away from them for the sake of building up your strength, while you do all the things you are doing to help yourself, then do that.

I hope this helps a little. It helps me to think of it like this

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 04-Sep-11 11:04:10

I am sorry about your DHs response, especially as he's been supportive before. YANBU to be upset by that. Sometimes people who feel helpless to know how to help shrug your feelings off, when all you want them to do is to listen to how you feel.

cheesespread Sun 04-Sep-11 11:09:22

Thankyou for your positive replys !

believe me i really dont choose to spend time with my MIL but they dont live here so when they come to vist im stuck with her,i was left on my own with her last week as FIL and BIL were helping my OH with a big job in the house so we went out

i have had worse off her including when my DS was born,i needed and EMSC,a week later my abdomen burst, PILs came up to vist us,i was back in hospital with my section wound open and MIL told me it was self inflicted ??? i dont no why i expect anything different from her now

i do find it hard to be proud of myself,for the 1st time i was losing weight for myself and not thinking about anyone else,i havnt been to Zumba for 3 weeks as i broke my toe,im back on wed and cant wait to get stuck into it again

i have tried my hardest to get on with her,i always cook something nice when they come and my house is spotless, TBH i dont no why i bother

i think my OH is just getting fed up with me moaning about her but i wouldnt let it go if one of my family said something nasty to him

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 04-Sep-11 11:12:10

Don't think it has to stop. Getting your confidence is about ^doing6 stuff as much as thinking about things (been there)

She's a beaatch. Maybe she's always been a beeeatch (to him?) and he's never learned how to cope with her, so it makes him feel helpless.

Empusa Sun 04-Sep-11 11:20:12

"i feel like not eating again"

Don't do it. Try and remember the horrible feelings that went with not eating, the faintness, the lack of energy, it's not worth it!

You are doing so well losing weight using Zumba etc. so much better for you!

People can be so damn shitty about weight, ignore them (easier said than done, I know), your health is far more important than their feelings! Think of all the things you hate about the idiots criticising your weight, and whenever they comment remind yourself that your weight can change, but they will forever be cunts. You are better than them!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sun 04-Sep-11 11:30:21

the irony is, people who are horrible about weight probably really fear being bigger themselves. And why do they fear it? Because people like them are so abusive.

YossarianLives Sun 04-Sep-11 11:49:28

1.5 stone loss is great cheese! I hope you're enjoying the Zumba and don't forget to treat yourself every now and yourself something nice for each goal you make grin

cheesespread Tue 06-Sep-11 12:18:48

i sat my OH down the other night and talked to him,i finally got some truth out of him about his mum,he told me she s been the same with his ex partners and his brothers ex s,she s been lovely at 1st then somethings changed and she stared with the digs and nastiness

he wants to spend more time going to see his gran as she s 91 and going downhill now,i told him i love his gran,wich i do she s fab,but i told him im not putting up with any crap from his mother,he said i can retaliate as long as i dont shout or swear at her,i told him i didnt intend to do either i dont need to !

so we are going next weekend and we ll have to stay at my ILS house for 2 nights,im dreading it as usual

at least i no now she s hasnt got anything personal against me its just the fact ive married her son ans she doesnt like it

FetchezLaVache Tue 06-Sep-11 12:27:26

Great that you have your OH on board! I went out with a man whose mum routinely attacked all his girlfriends, sadly he was a pairless wimp who didn't dare stand up to her, so the relationship, like every other relationship he has had before or since, was doomed.

I definitely think it's time to retaliate, you don't have to be rude- I would agree with the "Gosh, did you mean to be rude?" approach or, when she deliberately says something only just within your earshot, pretend you didn't hear and make her repeat it, so that everyone else hears it too. I bet she packs it in as soon as she's challenged!

And FWIW I agree that size 16 is not big.

Tchootnika Tue 06-Sep-11 12:40:54

You've done really well, cheesespread.

Stress is generally terrible for weight (gain and loss), and it doesn't sound as if your family are very helpful in this respect. (If these are the sort of comments they make about your body, how do they help your self-esteem in other ways?)

Don't let their effect on you mess up your eating, please. Not eating is terrible, and if you're feeling a bit low it'll make things much worse.

Birdsgottafly Tue 06-Sep-11 13:07:35

My mum used to be the same, still is with others. I challenge her.

She doesn't do it now, which in a way makes me more annoyed because it means that she could have stopped at any time, but chooses how she is.

I just used to work through what she said and make her clarify it, which when done in the right manner means she couldn't back out of admitting, that she had no grounds to say what she did.

It also took honesty on my part, i had to admit that i was upset by what she said and why i was upset.

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