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to scream in her face and tell her she makes me more miserable than anyone ever has....

(13 Posts)
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Sat 03-Sep-11 21:48:50

Of course I actually won't but I need to get this off my chest and see if I'm being a big baby.

Basically my mum is making me very sad. Last year my baby brother and grandma died, I gave up my life basically to support my mum and spent 6mnths away from my home, ending with me being homeless for 6mnths but anyway.

I was extremely close to my grandma spent a lot of time with her and she supported me in everything I did in every way she could.

Anyway, we finally got a new house in july after 6mnths in a bnb, in that time I walked to my mums everyday as I had nowhere else to go, and was made to feel like a nusiance so I ask bnb owner to spend time there which was fine I'm then accused of abandoning my family.

In the 6weeks holidays from school I've tried tirelessly to arrange to do things together, my brother and sister are 3 and 6 and my own dcs are 4 and 2 so they're all very close, she's always busy with this friend of hers, anyway long story short me and dp have set a wedding date.

We've thrown ourselves into planning and are very excited, mum basically ignores me telling her, she then suddenly changes her tune and wants to be involved I was obviously thrilled she was interested, anyway I arrange to go try on dresses, she then ends up babysitting for said friend, I go anyway as I've had it booked ages I go to hers after as dp is there with the dcs and she didn't ask me anything when I tried to tell her she just looked very bored and said, "your making me feel shitty having all these big plans and your obviously going to pick a ridiculously expensive dress"

This is NOT true, me and dp have a 4000 budget and we plan to pay for everything. We don't expect help for a second. Not that wed turn any down that's offered, for example sil is sorting the cake.

It all seems so petty written down. I just feel so unimportant, I gave evrything I could to support her and my family for 18mnths and she ignored the fact I was stuck in a bnb for 6mnths and I was also greiving. I had a nervous breakdown and lost my job too and she never once asked how I was and this total lack of interest in my plans and me in general has just made it so obvious.

Reading that back I seem vvvu

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 03-Sep-11 21:50:43

No, you don't.

You really need to back away and concentrate on your own family. You are focusing too much on your mother. Let her go her own merry way and you enjoy your children and your partner.

Gastonladybird Sat 03-Sep-11 21:51:28

How can you think you are unreasonable? Your mother sounds self obsessed - now that maybe due to grief but I can't blame you for feeling Luke this.

Did you scream in her face? Also I would post this in relationships as a lot of wise people there who know about difficult family dynamics

Crosshair Sat 03-Sep-11 21:54:06

You sound like you've given up alot of time and effort for her. I think its time to put yourself first.

PontyMython Sat 03-Sep-11 21:56:23

sad sorry jj, I've seen some of your other threads (am a frequent NCer) and remember what a shitty time you've had of it. I've not been on MN much lately so I'm really glad to see you've got s

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Sat 03-Sep-11 22:02:48

I'm actually genuinely shocked I thought I seemed spoit.

I just want my mum. My grandma mum and I lived together until I was 18 and moved out with dp. My grandma was my mum too and neither my mum or aunt understand that. I see a counciller. Have done since january and were only now getting somewhere as real lifes resumed iyswim. I'm just desperate for normality. I know my grandma couldn't wait for us to get married, she adored dp and its heartbreaking knowing she won't be involved, I thought loosing two specail people would pull us closed but my mums so wrapped up in her still birth she constantly belittles the grief the rest of us have for grams

PontyMython Sat 03-Sep-11 22:03:26

Oh FFS, my thumbs keep running away with themselves today!

Anyway. Really glad you have a place to live and are getting married, you bloody well deserve some happiness!

I don't know though. Your mum is grieving for her son so surely she deserves some slack, with other young DCs it must be unimaginably hard to cope. I'm sure she wants to be happy for you and DP but its hard to find joy for other people when you're going through hell.

However it sounds - though I could be misinterpreting - that your mum has a tendency to be like this anyway? Am I right?

You know if you did make a fuss about this you will be the unreasonable daughter who has no sympathy and is more interested in a wedding than her own mum. So I guess the best way forward is to ignore it as much as you can. Focus on yourselves for a change x

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Sat 03-Sep-11 22:06:07

No I didn't scream in her face, I'm getting VERY close.

Her dh offered to have my dcs so me and dp can attend a wedding fayre tomorrow and she's done nothing but complain its her lie in sunday and why does dp need to go?? The one in our town I'm going to with my bridesmaids so mum asked to come so dp said hell stay home with dcs

ChippingIn Sat 03-Sep-11 22:09:34

JJ - I am pleased to hear that you have got a place and are planning your wedding.

I am really, really sorry that your Mum is being so awful. I know she's been through a tough time too - but from what you have posted (over many threads) she does seem very, very self absorbed and incredibly selfish. You deserve so much more. You have done so much for her and for your little B&S and she never seems to appreciate any of it.

I really think you just need to concentrate on your immediate family and build your life/home/future there. Your Mum needs to grow up/get over herself. As I said, she's had hard things happen - but so have you and it doesn't give her licence not to give a shit about anyone elses feelings.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Sat 03-Sep-11 22:10:42

Yep ponty, she has seemed to drop me further and further down her priorities since meeting her dh, she made that loud and clear when she stole him from me, he was my bf when I was 15 found out he was seeing someone else, it was mum! I don't harbour any resentment though as he's a twat and I love my mum dearly and my sister and brother too, dp sayes me seeing them is like self harming, I always leave hurt.

We are very happy in our new home and our lives are deffinatly improving. And I can honestly say the constant support I received here really helped us fight our case.

Crosshair Sat 03-Sep-11 22:48:22

my bf when I was 15 found out he was seeing someone else, it was mum.

That is truly awful.

I agree with the above about concentrating on your immediate family and your future. Good luck with everything.

HeyYouJimmy Sat 03-Sep-11 23:57:25

From what I've read in this thread only, I'd say that you'd be best off just getting on with your life and agree with seeing to your own family first and foremost. Your mum is an adult and old enough to look after herself, and you've done a lot to support her throughout her grief, but she doesn't seem to take you or your needs into consideration very much, if at all.

The lack of consideration she has for you is shown clearly. It doesn't matter that your ex was a twat in your eyes. What matters is the principle of that particular situation. She could've at least waited until you and your ex had broken up, but your mum was selfish enough to be copping off with him behind your back. That, to me, shows how devious and uncaring she actually is and is a marker of how well she can be trusted.

Anyway, I'm offski. My bed is calling me and I'm tired, but I'll be back tomorrow morning.

Look after yourself.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Sun 04-Sep-11 00:31:48

Thank you all. Dp has been quite quiet about the situation but its started to drive a wedge especially when she's been so cold over our plans and his whole family who we keep at arms length (for many reasons) are thrilled and have spoke about it non stop.

I guess I don't want to see it for what it is, I was my mums whole life for 15yrs, mum grandma and I were this solid very happy unit and now that's all gone, grams clearly filled many voids in my life and as times gone on this has become more apparent!

Despite my recent whinge about dps moods, he is fantastic, he's supported me so much the past year even when I hit self destruct after my nervous breakdown and allowed a male friend waay way to close, he waited patiently and helped me pick up the pieces, he really is the glue keeping me together! He looks after me and 'mothers' me where necessary, he can be the one person I need in my life.

I feel so guilty saying all these things as I'm still close to my mum but I'm starting to question if I didn't contact or visit her how long before she did me? The most annoying thing is her dh my ex makes sure the peace is kept, defends me when her and my aunt join forces and offers to baby sit, I forget all this and give her undeserved brownie points. Its my birthday in 2 weeks, grandma always took care of that, first one without her, can't say I'm looking forward to it much. Anyway, I'm off to tuck the dcs in and head to bed. Thanks again x

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